Ninja in the Dragon's Den (Long zhi ren zhe) (龍之忍者)

The Shadow Ninja has struck again. We have to track down this bastard.

Our honour is at stake.

He disguises himself as an Ega family ninja

and goes around murdering government officials and we get blamed for it!

The Government has lost face and the army is demanding revenge.

We'll have a bloodbath on our hands!

You have a choice -

you can sit on your lazy asses and wait to get bumped off one by one,

or you can catch The Shadow!

You must seek him out wherever he may be hiding -

search every house, every cave, behind every tree and bush

and leave no stone unturned.

Otherwise the Ega family will suffer a total bloody massacre!

"Tokyo, Japan"

"China"

"The Sun Family Temple"

"Sex Bible"

Ah Chee!

Master, are you calling me?

I'm working my socks off but you're there reading porn.

Master, you can learn anything from books.

I'm doing this for you,

so that I can help you when you get married.

Ah Chee! Reading alone is of no use at all.

I don't need your help to find a wife.

I'm very optimistic about that, which will just happen naturally.

Master, I never realised you were such an expert!

It's called hidden talent.

Why are there fireworks?

Master, there's a festival on today.

- Really? Shall we go and join them? - OK, come on.

- You can't use the stairs. - Do we jump off here?

That's right, we're jumping.

What's the matter? Have you got vertigo?

No, I don't have vertigo. But I haven't got paid this month.

If you want to get paid, jump down from here.

It's very high. Are you going to pay double wages?

If so, I'll jump immediately.

I can pay you double wages any time.

This one looks a little stronger.

Are you sure?

One more knot. Just in case.

- Double wages. Jump. - I'm doing it for the money.

- You're very slow. - But I've got style.

- Really? - Wait!

It's strong enough but not long enough.

Look at the flags!

- This is boring! - Yeah.

- I'm suffocating inside this mask! - What shall we do?

Let's try something else.

No more complaints this time.

Here come The Eight Gods!

They're walking on stilts!

- The troublemaker is coming. - I am the Bull Devil!

You might like this.

Bull Devil!

Don't kick me!

I'm going to teach you a lesson.

We're only doing this for our job. And the money is no good.

There's no way I'd fight Bull Devil.

- I'm going! - Show no fear, get him!

Have some dumplings!

Run for it!

On your knees! Kowtow!

Master, this Bull Devil is tough.

- Bastard! - The damned cripple Li!

Even though I'm crippled, I'll fight you to the end!

The Monkey King is here!

The Monkey King!

The Monkey King conquers the Bull Devil.

I'm not the Monkey King but I'll still kick your ass.

- You're a dead man! - He means business!

- That's what I'm expecting. - What?!

That would be more fun.

- But can you walk on stilts? - What do you think?

What are you waiting for? Get him.

Come on, come on!

I bet you can't do that!

If you can do it, so can I. I'm up here now.

A nasty fall, isn't it?

- Come on. - I...

Let me help.

Hold tight.

Thank you.

Hold tight.

What now? Can you still fight?

Of course, I can.

- Fight me? Come on, then. - Here I come.

Kick his ass!

Get him!

Hold this for me!

Great! Yeah!

Come on everyone, get him!

No need to hurry, there's plenty for everyone.

Uncle Foo!

Where are you?

I'm right here.

You naughty boy!

So how did you get in, naughty boy?

I climbed up the water wheel.

But look, my shoes are totally dry. Amazing, isn't it?

Martial arts aren't for showing off!

You're always telling me off.

I'm not telling you off. It's for your own good.

Just remember a real martial artist never reveals his skill.

You always say the same thing. It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know.

This is for your own good. You have to listen to me.

Do you know the saying,

"Blowing your own trumpet only brings strife"?

If you want to succeed, you must be humble.

Ah Ching, do you know that the ideal life is a peaceful one?

A peaceful life? I don't fancy that. Is your life peaceful?

You live in a beautiful place.

With me to look after you, no one would dare bother you,

unless they want to die.

I have no enemies, so I'm afraid your kung fu is not needed.

Things change so quickly...

in the blink of an eye.

Sometimes you don't know you're in trouble.

Uncle Foo, some day you may need my help.

OK. Don't get your clothes dirty. Put down those mirrors.

"Gold Plum Vase"

Lure him into his own trap.

Ah Chee! You're studying very hard. Come here.

- Me? - Yes!

I'm coming.

- This is the good bit. - You're addicted to sex.

Jump in there and wake yourself up!

Everyone knows I like porn but I'm no pervert.

Why do I have to jump in there? No way!

You're going to jump in there.

No, I'm not.

Master, don't play tricks on me. That won't work.

Your bottom is on fire!

Are you going to jump into there? Off you go!

"The wiser man is he who exercises judgement and prudence."

Leave me alone! You always make a fool of me!

I'm only telling you that too many dirty books are bad for your heaIth.

Very funny! One day you'll be sorry!

"Sun Zi's Art of War"

"Deception can be your most useful weapon."

Ah Chee, come here.

- Me?! Me?! - Yes!

What is it this time? You want to make a fool of me again.

- Get my catapuIt! - What for? Do you want to shoot me?

- Not to shoot you, but me. - What did you say? Come again.

You hold the catapuIt. I'll be outside.

Shoot my body as soon as you see me.

That's a good deal. I'll go right now.

Not big enough!

This one should do.

Master, you've got to watch out with this one.

- I want good shots. - I know.

Master, don't blame me if you get hurt.

Come on.

I finally get my revenge for everything he's done to me.

Hey, you guys, give me a hand. Hold it tight.

This one is big enough.

Ah Chee.

- Are you ready? - Not yet, Master.

You're cheating.

Move right. Move left.

Move right!

How can I shoot you if you keep moving around?

You must have been reading too many dirty books, my friend!

Mr Sun, your son has behaved very well recently.

- He's been studying very hard. - Really?

He's a grown man now.

- I'll go and check on him. - Please.

Master, do you think I'll always miss?

Are you being bold or bluffing?

Let me use an even bigger stone.

Right.

I'm sure I've broken your skull. Master, does it hurt?

Was it you? Go and clean the toilet for three months.

Oh, shit.

"Clinic"

The business is very good today.

- What's the problem? - I've got lots of problems.

I can't see anything wrong.

- You should be all right. - Don't waste my time. Quick.

Hurry up.

Four ounces of ginseng...

five slices of deer horns...

three ounces of dry herb...

and a little Spanish fly.

That's enough. Take this.

Plus...

a seal's dick.

You already know I won't sell it to people.

I'm not asking you to sell it.

I'm asking you to give it to your son - me!

Why do you need all this stuff?

Dad, I want them to keep me strong.

I never wanted to have you in the first place.

Dad, I'm not surprised.

I know you never wanted to have me.

I was only a by-product of your sensual experience.

You need to have some of this stuff to make you stronger, too.

I'll be back tomorrow. All right. Bye-bye.