Tip Toe

All right, George?

I normally park at the Richmond Street car park.

Oh, it's still pay and display in this one.

The app doesn't work.

I'll treat you. You gonna be here all day?

That depends, don't it?

Fucking hell.

You watching tonight?

Is that a football question?

Yes.

No.

So, you've got this place and the house?

Yeah. I'm mortgaged to death.

You try making money out of hospitality. The house is thanks to my parents.

I sold theirs and bought number five.

So, they were rich?

What, do I look like Lord Struthers of Morningside?

They just had a nice, terraced house in Dundee

so I murdered them and got the money.

What, and then you got this place with Curtis?

Yep. That is my punishment.

I'm buying him out and it's taking forever

because it costs a fortune. He still gets 20% of the profits

which is kind of 20% of not very much, but still.

The bastard.

I'm seeing him tonight, as a matter of fact.

With his newly beloved.

So, this is the thing.

Sometimes when you touch it, you get a shock.

Oh, well, it's fine now. Typical.

But when it zaps you, that fuse goes.

This one. It trips. Is that the right word? Trips?

I'm gonna have to turn the power off.

But I've got the office upstairs, I still need to work.

Yeah, well I can isolate that.

When did you last get your condition report?

November 25. We're up to date.

So, who did your test for you?

Ashbury's.

But they charge 500 quid just for a visit.

Yeah, I don't trust them.

Do you know where they get their staff from?

Aruba. Do you know where that is?

- The Caribbean? - Exactly.

- I'm not being racist. - Well, a little bit.

I mean, think about it. Aruba.

Who owns that? The Netherlands.

And in the Netherlands, the mains wiring is 230 volts

and in Aruba it's 127 volts, so it's two different systems.

It's like a fire trap.

And why do they do that, eh?

Have two different voltages?

Tesla.

- What, like, Elon Musk? - No, Nikola Tesla.

He was the man who invented AC/DC.

And when he died, the FBI took all his papers

and they burnt them so no one could see them.

And then Elon Musk named his company after him.

That's no coincidence, is it?

Meaning?

Exactly. It's a mystery.

When I was young, AC/DC meant bisexual.

Look, there's nothing wrong with this

but I need to get back here, strip everything away, all right?

- Is that gonna cost? - Well, it's all gonna cost, isn't it?

Well, you know, I'm not being rude, but you know what happens.

You get an electrician in and they go, "Oh, everything needs rewiring"

and a job that was gonna cost a hundred quid ends up costing 10,000.

You calling me a liar?

No.

The way people talk about workmen. Nobody else would put up with it.

Imagine if I walked in here, eh, and got a pint and said

"Have you watered this down?"

You'd get right on your high horse, wouldn't you?

- Do you water it down? - No.

Well, there's your first mistake, isn't it?

Paying your ex 20%. I'd start diluting it, mate.

You're here early.

Oh, yeah, this is Clive, the electrician.

Hi, Clive. I'm Judy. Don't charge us a million quid, yeah?

He's the one I told you about, Clive, from next door.

I met his son online, and I mean online.

He's 16, but said "18 vers bottom."

So, what did you do?

Oh, I fucked him.

- Oh, Leo! - Get off. It was mortifying.

Said he was zero metres away. Zero.

He must've seen me though.

You cheeky little bitch.

I will be the one to block him, thank you very much.

It's my street and I was gay before he was even a single spunk.

Oh, my God, now I'm thinking about his father ejaculating.

This is such a terrible day.

And to top it all, I'm seeing Curtis tonight.

Talking of tops.

What for?

We're being civilised.

Could you not talk to him though? The lad, what's his name?

George. What would we talk about?

- Morning, Zee. - Morning.

Zee, boy next door, 16, looking for sex online

and lying about his age.

Should Leo not have a word? His dad's downstairs, the electrician.

But his dad doesn't know he's gay, so do not say anything.

- How do you know he doesn't know? - Because George is alive.

That's a bit 1980s.

You'd be surprised, times are changing.

Not in this family, trust me.

Sit at home with a bad dad and you're as closeted as ever.

- Why are you employing him then? - Ahem.

Could you just go and do some work, thank you?

Are you mates with him? The boy?

Why would I be mates with a 16-year-old? What would we even talk about? Bluey?

No, I've hardly said two words to him. He's just like, "Hello."

- Oh, I don't know. Best not, then. - Oh, don't take his side.

Yeah, but I can see what he means. It's a funny line to cross.

So, the kid goes online, hooks up, and gets murdered, and that's fine?

But at least he wouldn't have died a virgin.

Power's back on. Hooray.

It's weird, isn't it, how we know more about his son than he does.

- His wife said he had an affair. - For real?

In a caravan park.

Like Jenny and Lee on Gogglebox.

- Maybe it was Jenny. - Don't.

He can't hear this.

He can't hear us down there, can he?

No, course not.

Clive!

Yeah?

Nothing!

I'll start putting these back.

Well, thanks.

Clive.

Nice to meet you. I'm Zee.

What's that short for, then?

It's not. I'm just Zee. I chose it myself.

How come?

I just did.

It's a placeholder, until I find the right name.

I'm Hanna. My girlfriend chose it. She says it's delicate.

How many of you are there?

- Morning, all. - Okay then. What have we got?

No, no, it's straightforward.

You just had a broken earth cable, so I just replaced it. It's done.

- But? - No, no, you were just unlucky.

Put in a new cable. All done.

Oh, okay. Great. Well, that's good.

- But... - Oh, I knew it. How much?

No, it's just this here. I mean, look at it.

You've got the whole thing running out of one socket.

You've got your sound system, your lights, your mic.

What else is plugged in here?

Smoke machine.

- Bubble machine. - Oil wheel.

Well, look forward to the inquest when you're all burnt to death.

But look, I can strip away that wall, I can rewire it and put in five sockets.

Eight hundred quid, all in.

- How long we out of action? - No, it'll just take me one night.

I can isolate this wall so you can keep the bar open.

- Six hundred. - Eight hundred. All right?

And that's final.

It's not just the electrics, is it?

You know, I've gotta redecorate and patch it all in.

So, 800 gets you my lad in, my son.

He's got level-three joinery

so he can tidy it all up, and then seal it off for you.

- How old's your son? - Twenty-five.

He's got two sons.

Why?

What do you mean?

Just you have two sons.

So?

Nothing.

Why'd you say that?

I just did, because... you have, haven't you?

Does it matter?

No.

Okay, great.

- Seven hundred. - Eight hundred, all right?

And then we're...

disco.

Go on, Clive!

That's enough.

I'll get started.

What did you get on the van?

- Two hours? - Yeah.

All right, well you'd better make it all day, hadn't you?

Your treat.

See you later.

I'm running late.

Get a taxi and pick me up at 7:30, okay?

Why are we having dinner with your ex?

No fucking idea.

Curtis and Maggie at home, at 10:00 we are leaving, okay? Bye.

He doesn't know what he's talking about!

He was a shit player and he's a shit pundit, I told you!

He doesn't know what he's talking about, he's a--

Oh, he's always on the fucking drink.

Not in front of my dad, he's a married man! Put it away!

Hey, somewhere to park me bike, anyway.