Chelsea Does

When I was really, really small,

my parents took me to a swimming lesson, and there was a big, black swim teacher.

And I... They said...

I don't remember this, but they said I screamed.

I was, like, two or three, and I screamed, and I ran in the other way.

And my dad's like, "You know what?

You saw a shvartze and you didn't like it, and then you ran."

And immediately, when he said that, I was like...

When they would tell me that story, I'm like, "That's so awful."

And that gets embedded into your psyche in such a deep way

that you spend your whole life

trying to show black people that you like them.

You're like, "Hey!"

I mean, it's awful! I'm embarrassed

of the things I've done to overcompensate for that.

Listen, I hate the smell of boiled potatoes whenever I go into my...

So you hate Polish people

- or people from Idaho? - And Irish. The Irish must be terrible.

I can't stand it. Or... or dog.

That's a direct hit at you.

That's me, sorry.

But I do think it's interesting

because I grew up with a father who was really racist but towards everyone.

That was mine, too. The same.

Yeah, right?

It wasn't just like, black, white. It was like...

The Dutch got it.

- You know, everybody. - I think a lot of comedians

use that as their justification for whatever...

You know, they say, "Oh, I hit everyone."

But do you feel like that's valid? You feel like that's okay?

I hope so, 'cause that's been my excuse for years.

If you're attacking everyone, then you should...

Like, you are illuminating the absurdity of racism, right?

That's how I feel.

That's the idea. Unless you're just really a racist.

I come from the school of making fun of as many people as possible,

all the times, no political correctness, and I think that's helpful.

- Yeah. - Human beings are assholes.

- All of us. - Yeah, exactly.

Political correctness is, like,

- the handicap of any real conversation... - Yes.

...and I hate it.

Especially, now, racially, everything is so difficult.

I mean, I'm actually wearing a body camera right now.

Is that because you're Asian and they love cameras?

Yes.

When you look at me, when you would come on my show,

do you think, "Oh, here's some white girl who just landed...

You know, she's got this great career just because she's a loudmouth bitch"?

Do you ever think that? I mean, honestly.

That's what I thought.

Some white chick wants to talk about race. Great.

I'm doing this thing on racism, throughout the world.

Like global racism,

and then racism that I grew up with, which I learned from you.

- So... - I'm not a racist.

- You're not? - No.

I get in trouble all the time for stuff I say publicly.

Or, like, on my show, my old show, I would get in trouble.

And I'm not racist. I don't think I'm racist.

Do you feel like when you used to sell cars and stuff and have people call,

and you'd be like, "Oh, it's an Arab on the phone,"

or you'd ask them where they were from...

You had a lot of opinions about different races throughout the world.

Yes, I did.

And what are they? Like, what about Arabs?

What about 'em?

- What do you think about Arabs? - Not much.

What are their qualities?

Well, I just don't get along with them that well.

Because?

Different... uh, culture.

You think they're cheap? Do you think they're like, uh, liars?

I mean, what do you think about them that you don't like?

I'd say cheap and liars.

And what about Jewish people?

- Same. - Cheap and liars?

Okay, what about black people?

Mostly lying.

But everyone you're talking about is a liar.

You're saying everyone lies?

Pretty much.

Uh-huh.

- That's racism? - We just had to touch on it.

I don't think you covered the subject at all.

Sometimes it feels like the point of political correctness

goes so far that you're ignoring being an actual, real person.

And I know that I'm wrong because everyone keeps telling me that I'm way off-base.

So, what do you think about prejudice being hardwired

or learned or are people born racist?

I think people are born...

maybe noticing differences.

I may know I'm different than the guy next to me.

But someone has to tell me

that I'm better than him and that he shouldn't have the same life.

What's offensive to you?

What's acceptable for, like, a comedian? I'm a comedian.

What am I allowed to say? What am I not allowed to say?

Like, "Black people like fried chicken."

Is that offensive to you?

That black people like watermelon and fried chicken?

Yeah, 'cause I'm a vegetarian

and I don't like watermelon and fried chicken.

You can have watermelon as a vegetarian, FYI.

- You can. - Yes.

- There's too much sugar in it for me. - Oh.

But I think you have to be able to laugh at yourself

without making your culture the joke.

And there's a fine line there.

And I think that people ought to be sensitive to where that line is.

And where do people start to become better educated?

You are not a well-rounded, well-educated person

if you only look at and around something that reflects and mirrors you.

And I think the only way we break down barriers

is we've got to break them down in our individual lives

and not self-segregate and not just live in a polarized colony.

How long have you been here? Bel Air?

Mmm-hmm. Like, four years.

LA is set up in a way that it's so many white people on one side of town.

- - The Palisades, Brentwood, Santa Monica.

- 'Cause they can afford it, that's why. - Right.

What I do like about living in LA

is that there are so many different races and ethnicities.

You have Little Korea, Little Ethiopia. You have Compton.

The Eastside is known as "Little Mexico."

You can learn something of a different culture

without even traveling around the world.

I had no idea that they have

- these little sub-communities everywhere. - Mmm-hmm.

I mean, I feel like I actually have, like, self-segregated.

Nobody wants to say on camera how they feel about other races.

People don't wanna be honest about it.

Right. Who cares?

Let's all just have a discussion about it. It's almost racist not to discuss it.

It's just the way we ask the questions.

You are a little direct.

This is a beautiful part of town.

I mean, this is fucking depressing.

Hi, ladies. Hi.

Hi, how can we help you guys?

- I'm learning Spanish right now. - Oh, cool.

- Soy de Bel Air. - That's perfect.

So is this, like, the heart of Little El Salvador?

- Is that what you call... - Yeah,

MacArthur Park is pretty known for that. I mean...

There's a lot of Central American, a lot of Guatemalans, too,

which also love pupusas, 'cause we're neighboring countries.

And then is this considered, like, a safe part of town?

- We feel pretty safe. - I feel safe.

Because MacArthur Park is supposed to be crime-ridden, right?

Yeah. That's why... Yeah.

She told me there were bodies in that lake.

- Is that true? - Yeah, there was a body.

I think on our first week, there was a body floating.

Okay.

But, you know, if you just stay out of the...

- Out of the lake? - Yeah, out of the lake, you'll be fine.

Have you felt prejudice against you a lot of times being in the States or...

Many people view you differently.

'Cause if you're, like, more fair-skinned...

I mean, you're not treated better, but they see you a little differently.

- Uh-huh. - They mistake you for a cleaning lady

if you go on the Westside?

That has happened, and I'm like, "I'm just here delivering your food."

Yeah, they look at you more like the help.

- Yeah. - They see you as the help.

- Really? - Yeah.

So what kind of guys do you like?

- I like a lot of guys. - Yeah, girl.

- And do you date... - What do you like?

I like a lot of different kind of guys, too.

- Black guys. - I don't like Asian guys.

- I've never dated an Asian. - I haven't, either.

- Nobody really does. - I actually met one two weeks ago

and I was shocked that I thought he was attractive.

Not in a bad way!

I'm not really attracted to them, you know?

No, I feel bad for Asian men, because who is?

Are you on a diet?

No, I just... Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, it probably won't shut since you're sitting down.

You like dating white guys, right?

I like white guys, but they have to have some type of soulfulness.

You know, sometimes they don't have that.

It's just, that's why I think a lot of women tend to like black guys,

because they have this coolness about 'em.

Yeah, I like... I had a black lawyer that I was really attracted to.

There's a definite masculinity factor to it.

Like, black guys will take care of you.

They can beat the shit out of somebody if you need that,

which is, like, a silly thing to think about as an adult...

- Mmm-hmm. - ...but it's true.

I think a lot of people consider Asian guys cute.

But, you know, because of the rumor about Asians having small penises,

I think that kind of ruins it for them.

But I don't believe that.

Do you believe that all Asian guys have small penises?

It's like saying all black...

And we talked about this. Black guys all don't have big penises.