The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

I'm gonna kill you, Weinselstein!

Twerp. - Unh!

Why you running away, Weinselstein? I got you a birthday present.

That's okay. You didn't have to get anything.

I got you some bark. And you're gonna eat it.

- Cool. I was gonna eat bark anyway. - No, you weren't.

Yeah. See? All the things you were gonna do to me, I was already planning on doing.

Mm. Mm, so good.

Yummy. Unh!

- You planning on not being able to breathe? - Yes.

Listen to me, Weinselstein. Nobody likes you.

Nobody will ever like you. Do you understand that?

Come on. Let's split.

Goodbye, loser.

Mom? I'm home.

Mom?

Happy birthday, little man.

I had to work a double shift again, but I love you very much. Mom.

P. S. Dinner is in the fridge, and I got you your favorite cake. It's on the counter.

Combine the mix with two tablespoons of oil and two eggs.

We're out of eggs, so you'll need to run out and get them.

Preheat the oven to 350...

...grease and flour a 9 " x 13" cake pan and then pour the batter into the pan.

Careful not to spill.

Hello, my young friends. I'm Rance Holloway.

You've probably seen me on The Merv Griffin Show...

...or live onstage...

...at the fabulous Stardust Resort and Casino in Las Vegas.

That's where I perform such tricks as "Skateboarding Ghost"...

..."The Amazing Cordless Telephone"...

...and my very famous "Mouth Birds" illusion.

Wow.

Did you like that? Of course you did.

That trick just blew your mind, because that's what magic does.

It blows people's minds.

Welcome to the amazing world of magic.

A world where you can astonish and enchant those around you.

Because everyone loves a magician.

And if you follow my instructions, they'll love you too.

Let's begin now with a simple illusion...

...where we pull pennies out of our nose.

Alakazam!

- How'd you do that? - A magician never tells his secrets.

- Oh. Okay. - It's a rubber thumb.

Oh, cool!

- I'm Anthony Mertz. - Albert Weinselstein.

You're that kid who's always in the nurse's office, right?

Not always. Sometimes they send me to the hospital.

What are those for?

This one's for my allergies, and this one's for my asthma.

And this is testosterone.

My doctor says I'm dangerously close to being a girl.

Do you know any other tricks?

I have a whole magic kit at home.

Behold.

An empty top hat. Perfectly normal.

Alakazam!

Wow. You're like a boy witch.

Thank you.

Hey. What if you put a plastic bag of water in the hidden compartment?

Then water would come out instead of confetti.

- Do you wanna be my partner? - More than anything.

Okay. I think we should start writing down our trick ideas.

- Like in a notebook. - Yes.

An enchanted notebook, with leather and buckles.

- All I have is a regular notebook. - That'll work.

So then our first trick should be "Confetti Out of a Hat."

Awesome. - Ta-da.

Incredible. Incredible.

Burt. Burt. I want you to come work for me. Here, at Bally's.

Ah! Heh.

But I need you to do one thing for me.

I need you to dump Anton.

He's... Well, he's homely.

No offense.

None taken.

I'm sorry, Doug. Anton and I are a team.

Always have been, always will be.

Fair enough. Welcome to Bally's, boys.

Congratulations.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The Incredible Burt and Anton!

Abra, abracabadbra

I wanna reach out and grab ya

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Burt Wonderstone.

And I'm Anton Marvelton.

But, of course, you already knew that.

Abra, abracadabra

I wanna reach out and grab ya

Abra, abracadabra

Abracadabra

What you may not know is that Burt and I...

...have been magical friends and partners since we were young boys.

We always knew there was something a little bit different about our friendship.

Remember our games of Hangman, Burt?

I sure do, Anton. But we didn't play it quite the way the other kids did.

Ladies and gentlemen, our beautiful assistant, Nicole.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, Anton.

We're here to do magic, not Nicole.

- "Hangman." - "Hangman."

And that's why we call it:

- A magical friendship. - A magical friendship.

Abra, abracadabra

Night after night after night, I am in magic hell.

Could you take any more time making the switch?

- I'm standing under that cloak like an asshole. - Give me a break.

I've been doing the switch the same way I've done it for the last 10 years.

You're just impatient.

I am impatient, Anton, because I have to share a cloak with a sweaty walrus-man.

You just want to get the show over with.

Could we get a towel for him, please? Dab it down.

- I sweat because I work hard. - Take my phone!

You think it's easy securing your safety harness in the dark?

Would you rather I let the noose just snap your neck off?

Can we do one show without this bitch-fest?

I'm sorry. Are we hurting your performance as a walking mannequin?

- That's it. You know what? I qu... - You quit? You quit?

- I qui... I qui... - You quit? You quit?

You quit?

- Ugh! I quit! - Go get a job at Cirque du So-lame.

- That's the second one this month. - Not like they're hard to replace.

Case in point. You.

- What? Sorry? - Yes.

- What's your name? - Oh. Jane.

- You know the tricks? - Yes. You need something?

- Thirty seconds till "The Burt Locker." - You're Nicole.

Oh, wow. Mr. Wonderstone. That is a tremendous honor.

I don't think I'm ready to take on that. I'm not rehearsed.

I would need several years of... That is not an outfit.

Mr. Marvelton, this may be a bad idea.

- You're gonna be great. - I'm terrified of crowds.

- Don't worry. - You have no idea. I have a fear...

Agh, that is tight. Ugh.

- What? She has no ribs. - Ugh!

You took her hair.

Abra, abracadabra

You know, folks, when you grow up as a magician...

...the first escape you learn is generally from a school locker.

The jocks hated us...

...because we always stole their girlfriends away from them...

...using the power of magic!

- I like the blond. - Oh, thanks.

- Makes you look cute. - Thanks.

So I finally got this new bed that I ordered.

What? Sorry, I'm just trying to concentrate.

Behind you.

It's an octuple king. Biggest bed in Vegas. Easily sleeps two dozen adults.

If the phone rings and I'm on the other side of the bed, I can't get to it.

There's no way. Sword.

Ahh! God, that was close.

The point is, it's a huge bed.

And I was wondering, would you like to see it tonight...

...nakedly?

Oh, I don't think that's a good idea...

- ...since we just started working together... - Listen, Nicole.

- It's Jane. - Sword.

I know this is your first show and it's all very new and fresh and exciting...

...but when you have done this 5000 times...

...you'll find that having sex with me is the only way...

...to mitigate the miserable drudgery of your existence.

- My point is this. Let's just have sex. - It's not gonna happen.

- You a lesbian? - Is every woman who doesn't sleep with you...

- ...a lesbian? - Mm, no. I've slept with plenty of lesbians.

Wow. I've worshiped you for 10 years and you've just made me hate you in 60 seconds.

Hmm. Right there.

Looks like I'm the one who scored this time, you dumb jock!

Ladies and gentlemen, our most famous illusion.

- You know where we're going with this one. - One we call:

- "Man Head/Lady Body." - "Man Head/Lady Body."

Right!

All right, here we go. Here we go.

In order to accomplish this impossible feat of impossibility...

...we are going to need a female volunteer from the audience.

Female volunteer. Let's see who we have.

Anyone? Anyone?

Who will it be for "Man Head/Lady Body"?

Ahh.

Would you care to join me onstage?

How about a round of applause?

Mm.

I can't believe I'm really making out with Burt Wonderstone.

This must be the thrill of a lifetime for you.

Your place is so beautiful.

This is not my place.

This is my place.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God. It's so beautiful. - Yes, it is.

Look at you! - Look at me.

- Oh, my God, look at your costume! - Yes, yes.

Posters.

Oh, my God! There you are!

- And here I am. - Aw.

Yes. Come with me, please.

Ah.

Would you do me a kindness and jump up on the bench, please?

Legs facing that way, arms as if you're holding a giant pumpkin.

Good.

So, Miranda, what are your hopes and dreams?

Well, I'd really like to own my own hair salons.

That's great. You're interesting. Follow me, please.