Rules of Engagement

Hey, honey, we should get going.

Why do dresses never look as good at home

as they do in the store?

It's because mannequins have such great bodies.

I-- I mean, not that you-- Forget it.

Wait, are you eating ice cream?

Uh-huh.

No, we're going out to a nice dinner.

Put it back.

All right, Mom.

Hey, honey, are you okay?

I mean, you sure you wanna do this tonight?

Of course I do.

There's nothing I want more than to marry you.

I'm just nervous.

I know, I'm nervous too.

That's why I need the ice cream.

Come here.

It's your wedding day.

If you want ice cream, go nuts.

Oh, do we have nuts?

Don't make me rethink tonight.

Jeff and Audrey are gonna be surprised, huh?

That's the point of doing it this way.

Russell ask why you were leaving work early?

No, I told him I was sick.

He said the gay guy, Mel from accounting, was sick too

and then he jumped to some pretty graphic conclusions.

Where is my dry-cleaning?

I don't know.

Here it is.

Where's my purse?

I don't know. Oh.

Here it is.

Oh, God. Where's my cell phone?

I don't know.

Oh. Here it is.

Hey-- Hey! Where's my gun?

What? Nothing.

I'm just tired of the old frantic routine

trying to get ready to go out.

Well, I'm sorry, I do a little more

than throw on a sport coat and forget to reapply deodorant.

This restaurant Adam and Jen are taking us to

is very fancy, and they don't have a lot of money.

Don't order anything pricey.

I got a hankering for free lobster.

No lobster.

Fine, I'll eat that box of Pop-Tarts.

That'll save them the price of an appetizer.

No, no. We'll just--

We can split a salad.

Oh, can we?

All right. How do I look?

You know.

Why do I bother?

Yeah, why do you?

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

Hey, uh, Jen wanted me to check to see if you guys are ready.

I am. Audrey's not.

Well, can you push her along?

"Can I push her along"?

It's just that tonight is kind of important,

and we sort of have a schedule.

All right, you wanna try? Go in.

Dude. Dude, dude,

she's-- She's wearing her underwear.

Why the hell did you send him in there?

You were just dressed. What happened?

I decided to change.

Can you ever, for once in your whole life ever just be helpful?

You want helpful? Okay, how's this?

You look the same in everything, I'm hungry, hurry up.

You are such an ass.

Maybe we just shouldn't even go.

Oh, no. Then I wouldn't get

to not have lobster and half a salad.

Dude, why don't you go without us.

She's about to turn green and bust out of her clothes.

She's the Hulk.

Look, you have to come with us tonight.

Why?

Well, there's a special secret reason.

I don't care.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, only if you promise not to tell Audrey.

I promise. Okay.

Tonight, before we go to the restaurant,

we are going to City Hall.

Jen and I are getting married.

Oh! Good for you, buddy. Yeah. Yeah?

Oh, yeah. Right. Oh! Jesus.

We're holding hands now.

Yeah.

Anyway, that's why I wanted you to go.

Why'd you guys decide to do it now?

Jen's parents have been pressuring her

to have this big wedding, and tell Jen to do one thing,

she's gonna do the other.

I didn't know Audrey was selling franchises.

Count us in. Great.

Oh, remember, don't tell Audrey.

You got it.

They're getting married?

Tonight? Yes.

And we're the witnesses but we're not supposed to know?

Excellent repeating of everything I just said.

Oh, my God. I...

I don't know what to say. I-- I didn't expect this.

You didn't win an Oscar, Audrey.

Well, I have to change into something nicer.

I mean, I am the maid of honor.

You're married, so actually you are the matron of honor.

You need to change too.

Why?

Because it's just us, so you're like the best man.

Boy, that's crazy ironic.

Hello, there. One large chicken noodle soup to go, please.

Anything else?

No, no, just the soup today, thank you.

My friend's not feeling well, see?

Chicken soup won't cure what he's spreading around.

Oh, no, no, no. It's for Adam.

FYI, I'm on some experimental pills from Mexico

and so far, so bueno.

Dude, you have to do this?

We're gonna be late for the movie.

I don't have to, I want to.

Mr. Rhodes left work feeling sick.

Some nice hot soup will do him well.

I mean, I could understand if you want

to have sex with the guy, but...

Wait, do you want to have sex with the guy?

I'm just being a good friend.

If you were a better friend,

maybe people would invite you out more often. Hm?

You ever consider that? Hm?

I get invited out plenty.

Being asked to leave doesn't count as being invited out.

Okay, everything's on track,

Jeff and Audrey are just about ready.

Does this dress look good on me?

Yeah, it looks great.

No it doesn't. You're insane.

Okay, it doesn't look great.

Oh, don't bother. Your opinion is useless.

I'm gonna go ask Audrey.

Yay, I get that forever.

Where's Audrey? I want to ask her how I look in this dress.

You look fine. Shut up.

Audrey is definitively selling franchises.

Hey.

Oh. You changed. You look nice.

Well, how gay of you to notice.

Hey, Jen. Oh, I am so excited about tonight.

Me too. What do you think of this dress?

Uh, not great on the boobs, even worse on the arms.

Thank you.

Couldn't just do that, could you?

Fine. Your legs look weird too.

No, but I--

Just go. I was trying to say--

But--

Give me the key.

Oh, hold on, I left it inside.

He locked us out.

Oh. These are the times I wish I'd learned magic.

Oh, my God, so now I have no boobs, giant arms, weird legs.

I can't go out like this.

People will think I am a transvestite.

That will not reflect well on me.

All right. Calm down.

You can borrow something of mine.

Thank you.

So you've been dealing with this getting-ready-to-go-out drama

for, like, 14 years?

Oh, yeah. How do you handle it?

I have developed a pretty effective method. I'll show you.

Want me to show you again?

No, it's okay. I got it.

I'm gonna show you again.

Oh. Hey, uh, didn't we give you a spare key

the time we went out of town a while back?

You sure did.

I never told you this,

but that week Audrey had me use your toilet.

Anyway, I-- I can't remember if it was before

or after we changed our lock,

but could you get the key? I'll give it a try.

Yeah. You still have

that bottle of Scotch that I gave you for your birthday?

Yeah. All right.

If this key works, bring it back.

But that was a gift.

Look, you had it for three weeks, it's public domain.

Stupid key.

Dumb door.

Mr. Rhodes?

Oh, hey, Timmy. Russell.

I thought you were sick.