Veronica Mars

I spent my first 19 years

trying to escape my hometown of Neptune.

Made it out, then, after a decade away,

decided Neptune needed me,

and I needed it.

I was wrong on both counts.

Neptune didn't need another private investigator...

it needed an enema.

I'll start at the beginning of the end...

the Maloof case.

The Mad Bomber of Neptune.

The first explosion killed four people at the Sea Sprite Motel,

two days into the month-long bacchanalia

that is Neptune spring break.

If Neptune was the unofficial West Coast capital of spring break,

then the Sea Sprite was its national monument.

Kids came to Neptune to get loose, get lit, and get laid.

Me, I was just trying to pay the rent.

Well, shit.

God hates me.

Karsyn.

- Veronica? - You got a watch dog.

That's cool. What's his name?

Dahmer.

Dahmer likes his Snausages, doesn't he?

Yes, he does!

Yes, he does! Dahmer likes Snausages!

He needs some training.

Here it is.

- That's why my gate isn't working? - That's right.

Your house doesn't hate you. Your ex-husband, on the other hand...

Ohh, I knew it. That cock waffle.

Your house is very smart.

With all the Echoes, your Nest thermostats,

your Hue bulbs, Lutron dimmers,

Sonos music system...

Can I help you find something, or...

No, I found it.

What are you doing?

Oh!

This is how your ex was getting in.

He set up the router, he knew all the passwords.

That's why your heater would crank up to 90 degrees

when you were trying to sleep.

It's why your deceased mom's favorite song

would wake you up at three in the morning,

and it's why you would lose internet access

- right when you needed to work. - Oh, that...

vindictive sack of shit.

Wait, how would he know exactly when I would start working?

Camera.

It also explains why your gentleman callers

were having their cars keyed and their tires slashed.

Oh!

Another camera?

Oh, guess not.

I should call the cops. Just turn him in.

This sort of harassment is nearly impossible to prove.

Oh. I want to "garrit" him.

You know what, I want to "garrit" him, I want to stab him in the face,

and I want to cut off that dick he's just so proud of.

Think it's "gar-ott".

- What? - Not "garr-it".

"Gar-ote" also acceptable.

Okay, well, my point is that...

No! Not... ohh.

Another camera.

Ohh, that asshole. Haha.

He gave me that. Just out of the blue, as a gift.

Because he said he loved me.

You know I gave him head that night in the shower?

Okay, so you're saying there's nothing I can do?

I didn't say that.

I never say that.

That's his house.

- Wait, how did you... - You received the flower delivery

from his main office "in recognition of his strong quarterly sales."

- Well, good for him. - Not really. I sent the flowers.

And in each of the flower pots

I included two of these bad boys pointing in opposite directions.

That and a couple of microphones.

There he is.

There he is with his child bride.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, they're gonna do it

on our Himalayan gold marble kitchen island.

We'll see about that.

What the...

Oh, tell me we're recording this.

"We're recording this" is my middle name.

Ohh.

Just wait for it.

Whoo!

Okay, that's the part I don't want to see.

It ain't gonna happen. Here.

What is...

Now he knows. You own him.

I just need final payment, and I can download the apps

and passwords onto your phone.

Look, I... I know that this isn't healthy,

it's just this divorce got so ugly.

He only wanted to pay me 90K a month.

I'm like, "Uh, no, thanks. I know what ya make."

How much is it for you again?

Uh, six grand.

- Wasn't it 300 a day? - An hour.

Mm.

What... What is that? I thought you fixed everything.

Right. Um, it's just a smoke detector with a dead battery.

Here, um... this should do the trick.

Okay, can you install it? That's not really my thing.

Thank you so much for coming down, Mr. Mars.

I'm not sure how much help I can be, Mr. Hu.

The message referenced a rat problem,

and that's not my area of expertise.

People generally call an exterminator.

Oh, I've called exterminators. Three so far.

They find no nests, no rat droppings,

their traps catch no rats.

You sure you have a rat problem?

Holy cuss!

A rat caused that? Was it a 70-pounder?

- "Holy cuss"? - Yeah, sorry.

My daughter and I have a bet who can go the longest

without dropping an F-bomb.

I didn't think she could go 20 minutes,

and that was three months ago.

Well, that "cussing" rat was a big one.

And this sort of thing happens every three or four days.

Customer picks up a cabbage or a box of cereal,

and a rat pops out.

Then customers run around like they've seen the chupacabra.

Have you thought about calling an exterminator?

I mean, just in case?

I told you, Mr. Mars.

I spoke to several exterminators.

Right.

Sorry. Uh, brain freeze.

Have you checked footage from your other cameras?

Maybe it's someone releasing them as a prank

or to hurt your business.

This is my only camera. It's to stop shoplifters.

There's no money for improvements.

No, truthfully...

I'm not sure if I can afford you.

I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.

My store is the only place in Neptune

where my customers can afford to buy groceries.

But word is getting around about our rat problem.

Of course, if those NUTTs get their way,

I'll probably have to fold tent anyway.

Hmm. Which NUTTs are those?

Is that the sweet sound of victory I hear?

The spoils of war.

Who else is gonna keep paying for those safaris

where you and your big-shot friends

hunt the most dangerous game of all.

The homeless.

It's not so much the safari that gets ya,

it's the private jet to Billionaire Island.

What exactly did you do for that lady?

Feminist stuff.

We got mad, we got even.

- Some scissoring. - All right.

How'd you make his much?

Celebrate with me!

How I made that is between me and my maker.

I'm your maker.

You are really not making my office drop-by

everything I was envisioning.

And what were you envisioning?

Well, a balloon drop, for starters...

maybe an "attagirl".

Oh, no.

You're feelin' emasculated, is that it?

- Honey... - Yeah?

If feeling emasculated by my daughter was gonna dampen my spirits,

you woulda found me out in the garage a long time ago...

Cheap Trick in the tape deck, tube in the tailpipe.

- What's a tape deck? - I hate you.

Hey, do you mind stopping by Hu'$ Reduced tomorrow

and setting up cameras?

You took the rat job?

Yeah, it's probably just an aggrieved former employee

- releasing the rats. - Hu, huh?

Any chance Hu done it?

I'm not gonna play that game with you.

What the cuss! You're no cussing fun.

I'm gonna Irish-exit this wingding.

Tell the host it was lame AF.

Why are you sounding like that?

My millennial speak?

Just gettin' into the spring break spirit.

At my place, we have already hung our beer goggles over the fireplace,

boofed the traditional Spring Break Kamikaze,

And watched Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise.

- Logan back? - No. Just me and Pony.

Logan's in Somalia.

Maybe... Burundi?

Aleppo.