M*A*S*H

Hey, Klinger. Here's the mail.

Great. Just set it down.

Thank you. Nice to see you.

Hey, speedball. Why the bum's rush?

Big poker game tomorrow.

I want to clean up here so I can clean up there.

Poker, huh? I'm comin' back this way tomorrow.

Mind if I stay for a few rounds?

Fine by me.

Ah. I thought I heard the mailman.

This month's TV payment.

Only two more, and the Du Mont's ours.

I hope this TV fad ain't over

before I get back home.

Your money's safe with me, sir.

And tomorrow, the rest of it will be safe with me.

How come the premature burial?

Why bother opening it when you know what it is?

Well, I don't know what it is.

Why, lookee here. Laundry inventory forms,

the very same ones you've been waiting for for three months.

I'll get right on it as soon as the game is over.

Did you not promise sameday service when these forms came in?

No can do, sir. This will take me three days.

By then, the war will be over,

and I'll have to kiss the game goodbye.

Pucker up, son.

In the words of the immortal Bob Frost,

you have promises to keep

and "piles" to go before you sleep.

Aw, sir.

Never put off till tomorrow

what you oughta do today,

or you'll end up putting off

your whole life away.

More Jack Frost? Nope. My Grandma Mavis.

Works too hard for the rhyme,

but the sentiment's there.

What about the game?

Lad, Grandma Mavis's best homily

went something like this.

Do it! That's an order.

Greetings. Here's your stupid mail.

Ah. The only mailman who bites dogs.

How would you feel if some crummy paperwork

knocked you out of tomorrow's poker game?

War is dirty business.

Aha. Peg's rum cookies.

So obscenely delicious,

they have to be sent in a plain brown wrapper.

Who cares? Want one?

Drown your sorrows. Oh, no.

I'm not the kind of guy that turns to cookies

the minute things go wrong.

The colonel will see you now.

Ah, sir. I didn't realize

it was washday at the O. K. Corral.

Yeah. This seat's getting cracked and dried,

and so is mine.

Well, lad, I see you've climbed out of the dumps.

Yes, sir. And here's a notice from ICorps,

and it's got your name on it.

Read it to me. My hands have saddle sores.

It's a delinquency report.

It seems that one Sherman T. Potter

is charged with reckless driving in Kimpo.

Sufferin' buffalo chips.

And I thought I had sweettalked that stupid lummox.

Goin' 25 in a 15mile zone.

Mildred's sister goes faster than that with her walker.

Well, I know how to pay my debt to society.

I'll just pencilwhip this right outta here.

Sir, I'm shocked. Every time before this,

you sent the violators off

to a day of remedial driving school.

Don't you have a grindstone to put your nose to?

Luckily for you, there's a class tomorrow.

Shouldn't what's good for the goose

be good for the bird colonel?

Touché. But sure as shootin'

I ain't takin' that class tomorrow.

Book me a session for after the poker game.

Poker game, sir?

You wouldn't put off till tomorrow

what you oughta do today

and get Grandma Mavis really steamed.

Okay. "Threeché." I'll take the lousy class.

Grandma Mavis had a saying for everything.

No wonder Grandpa Wilmer stomped on his hearing aid.

Oh! Aren't those the cookies

you can't eat without an I. D.?

Yeah. Rum cookies. You want one?

Mm. Thank you. Mm!

Where indigestion meets inebriation.

Mmhmm.

You know, for somebody

thousands of miles from home

doing what he hates,

you seem down in the dumps.

Peg's gotta take a job

as a hostess at Papanek's Coffee Shop.

Oh, yeah? What's the problem?

Is that kind of a rough place?

No. We used to eat there all the time.

So do our friends who she will now be waiting on.

Aha. So why is she doing it?

It's called paying off our second mortgage,

which is due in six months.

So what do you want her to do,

sell the house and move in with us?

Aw, you don't understand.

She put me through med school.

Now it's supposed to be my turn

so she can stay home and take care of Erin.

By now I'm supposed to be in practice,

the second mortgage a memory.

We didn't plan on my hanging up my shingle in Korea.

Look, it's not gonna be forever.

I'm talking about now.

It's bad enough for Erin to be without a father.

Now she doesn't have a mother.

I feel like I've let them down.

You didn't let them down.

You just got caught in the draft.

I could've gotten out of the draft, like Ned Gradinger.

Big allAmerican hero from Stanford.

Medical deferment,

signed by that eminent physician Ned Gradinger, Sr.,

who offered the same to me, but I was a good guy.

Next war, we'll know better. We'll sign each other's.

Whatever happened to the rules? Let the other guy go first.

Keep your elbows off the table. Share your toys.

And life will reward you. Well, life is a crock.

Now, you "gentlemens" are new to the army,

or in other words, dumb.

But when you leave here, you will know this jeep

like it was a kissin' cousin.

And you will know the rules of the road

so good that, when you're dead,

you will still qualify for a license.

Now... Sir.

Well, well, well. What have we here?

Looks like Private Brown

waltzin' in here a minute late.

What do you got to say for yourself, Brown?

I'm sorry, sir.

I don't like your attitude.

Why don't you just drop for 10?

And let me hear you pant, dogface.

Attention! At ease.

Trouble here, Sergeant? Uh, no, sir.

Slight disciplinary problem. On your feet, Brown!

Next time you're late, you're gonna do 'em onehanded.

Can I "hep" you, sir?

Afraid so. I'm one of your pupils.

You, sir?

Traffic ticket. Sorry I'm late.

Late? You? Why, you're not late, sir.

You're just fashionable.

Matter of fact, you don't need to be here at all.

You could pencilwhip this thing right on through.

How dare you? I would never think of such a thing.

Oh, well, neither would I.

Look, Sergeant, I don't want any special treatment.

As far as you're concerned, I'm just one of the boys.

Well, sir, the rest of these boys

don't have the power to bust me.

You will treat me like one of the boys,

or I'll bust you.

Yes, sir, boy.

Sir.

From this point on,

I will be referrin' to this Jeep

as a "veehicle."

For those of you who are not familiar with this term,

say it with me.

Veehicle. Veehicle.

Three threes.

I thought you had that third trey.

You were wise to jump ship when you did, Father.

You should have taken your own advice, Major.

Three queens.

Always have been a ladies' man.

It's people like you that give repugnance a bad name.

Take it easy, Charles. You're not the only one whose chips are down.

Yeah, where's your sportsmanship?

Take a lesson from the pigeon there.

Down 30 bucks and still a gentleman.

Yeah, I'm a real good guy.

And so, it is important to remember

that on all Korean thoroughfares,

the right of way goes to the animal.

There is a reason for this.

If you run over somebody's chicken,

not only does Uncle Sam have to pay for that bird,

but for all the eggs he would have laid.

That can run into money, and I don't mean chicken feed.

Colonel.

Colonel Potter.

Huh? Good morning, sir.