Psych

Shawn, you have to understand why I'm conflicted here.

It's very difficult to comfort you

Over what is the worst sequel ever made.

Dad...

Shawn, you are not gonna be eaten by a shark.

Sharks do not attack people willy-nilly.

That's crazy.

So many random scenarios have to line up.

- Really? - Of course.

First of all, the shark has to be hungry.

He has to be attracted to jumping, kicking,

Or sudden movements in the water

Or maybe even somebody with a cut.

But isn't it true

That most shark attacks occur in 3 feet of water?

Of course it is.

But that's where the swimmers are.

So that's a skewed sample.

Do I watch for the fin?

No, that only happens in the movies.

You never see them coming.

That's why they're called the silent killers.

I thought that was hypertension.

Either way, stop thinking about it.

Could you do that?

Yeah.

Okay.

Anyways, don't they sleep during the day?

No, sharks never sleep.

Just get out there, have some fun,

And remember-- slow, steady movements.

Get in.

That a boy.

Aah!

Carlton, what are you doing?

No time to talk, O'hara. Just keep taking notes.

What's the rush?

That.

Every time we get a high-profile case,

You know what's gonna happen next.

Spencer's gonna waltz in here,

Make some crazy proclamation about what happened,

And in five days, he's gonna be right.

Well, not today.

McNab? Hold back the wonder twins.

Oh, come on. Really, buzz?

This is the thanks I get for giving you a cat

And finding a guy to remove your "baja men" tattoo?

Sorry, guys. He's really determined today.

- Let's just go. - Yeah, you're probably right.

You don't want to go down there.

I know how you feel about dead things.

- What? - You know, the whole...

Not only is that an affront to my character, Shawn,

But I'll have you know, I'm turning over a new leaf.

I'm now hardened. I've seen it all.

You've seen it all through the cracks in your fingers

While you're hiding your eyes. You know what? That's it.

We've been doing this for four years.

I don't need you to look out for me.

I have a new name now.

For now on, I want you to call me "Guts."

- We all call you that. - No. "Guts," Shawn.

- What--what are you saying? - "Guts"!

- You're saying "Guts"? - Yes.

- That's too close to Gus. - You know, never mind.

Call me "old ironside." - Michael Ironside?

Old iron stomach--

That's me.

Carlton, you can't solve a case in four minutes.

Can't I? I think I can. I've seen it done.

- Not by you. - Thanks for that.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

You are a great detective. It's just that--

There's a piercing in the skin.

There are lots of them. It's a shark attack.

No.

No, this one's different. It's cleaner.

It's a knife wound. A knife wound?

- Spencer would say it. - You're not him.

And thank the sweet lord for that.

It's now or never, O'hara.

Week after week, I sit idly by

Doing life-sucking, soul-eating detailed police work

While he just bounces in

And hops from one wild conclusion to the next,

Only to be right.

This knife wound is good. It's big.

And I'm gonna jump on it before he does.

Today I'm going to out- Shawn Spencer.

All right, McNab. Send them down.

Go ahead.

Carlton, no good can come of this.

It can only end disastrously.

If by disastrously you mean triumphantly,

Then, yes, I agree.

If not, I would like to invite you, in the nicest way possible,

To shut it.

Is this the same shark spotted last week

By the whale-watching boat?

Can you give us any details on the shark attack?

Well, we've got a couple problems with that.

First of all, our victim is a John Doe.

And what's the other problem?

- Watch how I do this. - Please don't make me.

Our victim wasn't killed by a shark.

He was murdered.

No, seriously.

No, I'm--I'm not kidding. He was murdered.

What about those things that look like shark bites?

Yeah, those are shark bites.

And those at the shoulder?

Yes, those are also shark bites.

Can you spell your last name?

Are you telling me you don't know how to spell Lassiter?

No, I do. I just want to see if you did.

One follow-up question.

Does the shark have an alibi?

Do you think the shark can have a fair trial

In this jurisdiction,

Or will you have to pick your jury from the aquarium?

* in between the lines, there's a lot of obscurity *

* I'm not inclined to resign to maturity *

* if it's all right *

* then you're all wrong *

* but why bounce around to the same damn song *

* you'd rather run when you can crawl *

* I know you know *

* that I'm not tellin' the truth *

* I know you know *

* they just don't have any proof *

* embrace the deception *

* learn how to bend *

* your worst inhibitions *

* tend to psych you out in the end *

"Detective Dipstick at it again?"

What the hell do they mean "again"?

It's the courier. It's not even a real newspaper.

Besides, nobody reads the paper these days anyway.

- Why didn't you stop me? - Oh, I don't know.

I guess I was busy RSVPing my invitation to "shut it."

- Sorry about that. - Yeah.

Look, you can still salvage this.

We just forget yesterday ever happened,

And we find out who it was that washed ashore.

I've been at this all night.

Nobody's been reported missing locally or statewide.

I can't even I.D. the body. I'm the worst detective ever.

Mr. Dipstick...

Might I get you to sign my copy of today's paper?

Okay, that is libel...

Or slander.

It's also copyright infringement.

I registered this six months ago.

He did. Also "officer whoopsie."

- I forgot about that. - Yeah.

Don't worry, you get 5% of any action-figure money

When Hasbro comes on board.

- This is your fault, Spencer. - My fault?

Yeah, you got all up in my head.

Okay, first of all,

I wouldn't last five minutes in your head.

That was just some innocent ribbing between colleagues.

But here's the thing...

I honestly think you're on the right track, Lassie.

If you hadn't had McNab stop us,

We probably would have made the same guess.

I would have guessed ape attack.

Gus, it's never, ever an ape attack.

Oh, it will be. Mark my words.

You saw the knife wound, did you not?

It looked like a knife wound,

And I've regretted it ever since I said it.

No. Don't regret it.

Don't you see?

This should be the best moment of your life.

You should-- you should feel liberated...

In your guts, because you're following your guts!

You found the piece that didn't fit,

And even though you don't know how it connects,

You announced it to the world anyway.

Spencer, one loose end doesn't make it foul play.

- It doesn't? - How do you think

We've stayed in business these last four years?

But what if it does, Lassie? We're comrades now.

I do this all the time. I can walk you through this.

This is just the weird part

Of the "spit out a crazy theory" process.

You say it, everyone thinks you're crazy,

You're incompetent, you should probably color your sideburns.

Truth...

We're one in the same.

We're "Shassie" now. We're "Sharlton."

We're "Spencitter."

Oh, my god.

Make no mistake. This is definitely your fault.

I've heard that,

But I'm trying to figure out how.

We are going to the coroner's office,

And you're coming with.