Man with a Plan

All right, all right.

Hey, Dad, there's this new thing people are doing these days.

It's called knocking.

I'm old, you come to me.

Listen, I'm on my way to buy a new car.

I'm gonna use the Burns system.

The Burns car buying system is a legend.

- Yeah. - Your dad handed it down to you,

and then you handed it down to, well, my brother.

Well, this time I want you in the showroom with me.

Wh... you and me?

You always do it with Don.

Oh, not today.

Oh, is Don sick?

Are you coming or not?

Let me just go tell Andi we're heading out.

All right, I'm hurrying.

Adam, look what Emme just brought down

from her room. I-It's a snake!

What? Emme,

we don't allow weird pets in the house

ever since I accidentally drank Teddy's sea monkeys.

Put him back in there.

- But he's cute. - No, no, no, honey.

You're cute,

'cause you have cute little ears,

and your cute little hands and your cute little feet.

Snake's got none of that.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's just a legless killing machine.

They go for the eyeballs first, you know.

Honey, you have to get rid of it.

I can't. Dad's outside, he just invited me

to do the Burns system with him.

Oh, is Don sick?

No, no, he wants me.

After years of having to wait in the car and watch them do it,

today I get to finally go inside the showroom.

- I'm moving up! - Okay.

Look, I'm all for you bonding with your dad,

but, you know, this is your job, okay?

You handle the creepy-crawlies.

What? It's just a harmless corn snake.

You can do this.

You are a strong, independent woman, okay?

And in the name of women's liberation,

I will not... no, no, I cannot

do something that you can do on your own.

Gotta go.

Wait, you mean... whoa!

You're really going to leave me here with a snake?

Equal rights!

Emme, where'd you even get that thing?

I traded it for a Twinkie at school.

Honey, y-you can't keep that gross snake.

He's not gross.

His name is Brian and I love him.

What if I traded you two Twinkies for that snake?

So long, Brian.

All right, this is the one.

Now we just have to make the deal.

I can't believe I'm here, doing the Burns system.

I've been on the bench so long

and you finally put me in the game.

I won't let you down, Coach.

Settle down, Sally.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

There's the salesman.

Now, here's what we do: you be the good cop,

I'll be the grouchy-old-man- who-hates-everything cop.

Roger that, partner.

I don't need to do that.

She's a beaut, isn't she?

This one's loaded.

It's got radar cruise control and parking assist.

It can park itself.

Sounds like it doesn't need me. Let's go.

W-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Ea-Ease up, Dad. He's just doing his job.

Sorry about that. He's-he's pretty tough.

Tell us more.

Well, this is our first model

with a completely digital dashboard.

There's no ignition.

Where does the key go?

There's actually no key, just a fob.

You're a fob.

He likes to make the names of things into insults.

Yeah. Yesterday, he called me a doorbell.

Well, I should tell you about the Bluetooth.

You're a Bluetooth.

Reggie. It's actually Reggie.

Hey, Dad,

why don't you, uh, have a seat? Let me talk

to this guy for a second, huh?

Hey, listen, uh,

neither of us wants to spend our whole Saturday dealing with him.

Okay? So we need to be on the same team.

Thanks. You think we can get him to take a test drive?

'Cause that's where I shine.

Definitely. I mean, you're gonna have to throw in chrome wheels

if we buy the car.

I can swing that.

Good, good. Oh, and, also, you're gonna need to take him

to a drive-through and buy us some breakfast.

He needs to see if he can eat and drive at the same time.

I don't have any cash. Oh, don't worry.

We'll take you to an ATM.

Reggie, Reggie,

I don't want to see you lose this sale.

Okay.

I'll grab the fob.

I mean the key. We'll call it a key.

I like you, Reggie.

I knew right away you were special.

How'd it go?

You get the chrome wheels?

Not only that... I got him to throw in breakfast.

Oh! Oh, Donny never did that.

Welcome to the bigs, son.

Yeah.

What's the matter?

I-I just got something in my eye.

Look at him.

Just staring at me.

Trying to figure out how to get all of me in his mouth.

So what are you gonna do with it?

Well, how 'bout this?

I leave the room,

and then you take care of it however you want.

And, uh, if I hear the blender,

no judgments.

I am not blending your snake, okay?

I am not touching that thing at all.

Well, I don't want to touch it either.

Well, then we're stuck.

What happened to me?

You know? I mean, I-I used to take care of

all the creepy-crawlies before I got married.

And I was good at it.

I think having a husband's made me soft.

Oh.

That's not good.

I read on the Internet that,

in ten years, there won't be any men left at all.

They carry their phones in their front pocket,

and the radiation is turning them all

into a bunch of Ken dolls.

I've never gotten sick from a test drive before.

I do panic stops to make sure the brakes work.

Hey, thanks again for breakfast.

Sorry you couldn't keep yours down.

I don't trust a guy with a weak stomach.

- Let's go to the dealer next door. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, listen, you're losing him.

You're gonna have to sweeten the pot with an extended warranty.

Okay. Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Great, great. And on your way back, don't be afraid

to bring us some of your fancy coffees.

All right? He gets sleepy after a big breakfast.

- All right. - And maybe get yourself a mint.

This is going great. He's agreeing to everything.

Yeah! And here comes phase two.

- Oh, what's phase two? - Donny.

What's he doing here?

I called in a closer.

Closer? Dad, I can be a closer.

I'm here. Where's the mark?

Why don't you mind your own business?

Lowell, are you part of this?

I've just heard so much about the Burns system,

I had to see it in person.

Did you come to watch, too?

No! I'm doing it.

I was here first.

Oh, good, there's more of you.

This is my older son. He's a real car expert.

That's right. I've been riding in cars since I was a kid.

Started in the backseat.

Did so well, they moved me up front.

I thought we were doing great together.

Yeah. Just watch him work. The kid is a star.

Hey, let me ask you something.

- Are there any ghosts in that car? - What?

Is the car ghost-free? It's a basic question, man.

You seem like the kind of guy that might sell me a ghost car.

Where does he get this stuff?

From me. You know how much time we spend together.

Okay, well,

I called the zoo, I called the pet store.

Nobody wants Brian.

And most of the people I talked to

tried to get me to take their snakes.

I guess we leave the snake here and you just move.

It's Brian's house now.

No, he's going to the pet store, okay?

We'll just take him out of the box and we'll sneak him in.

How are we gonna get the snake from here to the store

if neither one of us wants to touch it?

I know. We'll sneak him in there in my other purse.