Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

When I sang my solo,

I felt, like, a really palpable connection with the audience.

And-and I know that it was, like, a bummer my mom didn't show,

But in that moment, it was like everyone was my mom.

You know?

Ugh, whatever, she's just pissed

Because I didn't do the mock-trial summer intensive.

Ugh, she wasn't even gonna let me go here,

But then I called my dad on his honeymoon in the bahamas,

And I told him I was having suicidal thoughts,

So, ta-da, here I am.

Josh, session b has been a whirlwind,

And you've been my rock.

You've awakened my sexual being for the first time.

I never knew that two people could be so connected.

This has been the best summer of my life,

And you're the reason why.

Okay, let's talk schedules.

So I'll visit at christmas, and then I think...

Josh, you ready? Um, my mom and dad are here.

Ugh, my mom is late, per the us'.

Um, this-this has been a great summer...

It has been the best summer. Yeah.

...But, uh...

Ugh, grande dame arrives.

Okay, I'll be right there, mother!

I'm sorry, you were saying?

Well, with school and baseball, uh...

What?

Wh-what?

Good god, mother.

Are you trying to kill me?!

Uh... What?

I-I just think that we're just really different,

You know, um, like, you're, like, really dramatic

And, like... Weird.

I don't know.

I-I think maybe we should take a break.

No, no...

What? But I love you.

And-and thanks for that.

I mean it.

Come on, josh.

Uh, bye, rebecca.

I'll-I'll see you around. No, no, but...

No.

What?

No, I'm not dramatic.

I'm not, I'm not dramatic.

Oh, my god, shut up, you stupid bitch!

Damn it, rebecca, is that a hickey on your neck?

Okay, look, keep in mind,

Anything happens, we go right to the abortionist.

Nothing, nothing, is going to ruin your future

And your career, you hear me, rebecca?

Are you listening to me?

Your future is all that matters.

Rebecca, it's mom.

So did you win the corcoran case?

You want that promotion, don't you?

It's very important.

It's what we've been working so hard for.

I've said that a million times.

Eh, I guess you don't care what I think.

I'm sure you told your father and that whore

At tucker's seventh birthday party.

Anyway, I got to go.

Today the dermatologist is telling me if it's cancer.

Bye-bye.

What are you waiting for?

Spread it, indulge.

Ask yourself, "when was the last time you were truly happy?"

Ugh, good morning.

The guys from corcoran call back about the loan approval yet?

They've been taking forever.

What? What's wrong?

Laura wants to see you.

Oh, god, why?

You're getting promoted.

To partner.

Right now.

Now?! It's a surprise.

But no one told me.

Because... Surprise!

Wow, um... Wow.

This is great, wow.

This is fantastic, right? I know.

This is just objectively fanta...

This is objectively fantastic.

Like, on paper fantastic, right?

Wow.

Wow, w-w-wow, wow.

Wow.

I-I'm sorry, I just need to get a smoothie.

Yeah, I-I didn't have any breakfast,

And I-I get weird when I don't have protein.

I'm just... I'm just going to the...

I'm just going to the deli on broadway.

This is great.

I'm so happy. Mom's gonna be so happy.

This is what happy feels like.

Happy just feels great and amazing.

This is definitely what happy feels like.

What's wrong with you?

This is what happy feels like. Okay, okay.

Okay, all right.

In case of emergency, in case of emergency...

Break glass in case of emergency.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Ugh.

Dear god,

I don't pray to you because I believe in science,

But I don't know what to do.

Give me guidance.

Please.

"ah-men."

"a-men." "ah-men"?

Hey, keep moving!

Keep moving, now.

What a weird ad campaign.

Josh chan?

Josh?

Josh! Josh!

Rebecca bunch?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my gosh.

Josh chan,

Appearing out of nowhere

After, what, I mean, ten years?

Wow. Wow.

Oh, my god, this is weird.

Right? Yeah.

This is... This is... This is so weird.

Yeah, I haven't seen you since...

You-you didn't come back the next summer at camp.

Oh, yeah, my mom made me do mock trial,

And then I did it the next summer, so...

You know, I'd always hope I'd run into you one day.

I mean, we had such a good time that summer.

Yeah. Uh, you probably don't even remember it.

No, I remember some...

I-I remember all of it, yeah.

I remember all of it, yeah.

Of course I do.

Um, so, what?

You live in new york?

Yeah, the last eight months.

Dude, we should... We should hang out.

Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, I'm moving.

Oh, moving.

Yeah, I've been trying to make it work here in the big apple,

And one day I realized,

Why get stuck in a rat race?

I mean, what's the point, right?

And it's so awesome back home.

You know, so chill.

So relaxed.

Out there, everyone is, you know, like...

I don't know, it's-it's like they're...

Happy.

Happy, happy.

Happy.

Where are you from again?

West covina, california.

91791.

West covina, I remember that.

That's near the beach, right?

Yeah, only two hours, four in traffic.

Just, you know, I just like to kick back,

Get beers with my buds, skateboard.

Oh, yes, skating on boards, fun.

Yeah.

Man, if I'd known you'd turn out to be

So successful and hot...

Let a good one get away, huh?

Anyway.

Uh, so take care.

Yeah, yeah, let's-let's get a drink... Oh, god, of course.

Hello, you just said you're moving-- right, we can't, yeah.

But, hey, if-if you're ever out west...

Yeah.

...Look me up, okay?

Okay. See you around.

Okay, bye.

So weird!

Right?! Right?!

Everyone is happy, happy, happy.

West covina, california. 91791.

Rebecca, you are the hardest working young lawyer

We have ever seen.

You work 24-7, you've never taken a sick day.

We know that this job is your whole world.

These are just some of the reasons

That we'd like to offer you the position of junior partner.

Laura, you are so kind.

Thank you.

You know, time is a... Time is a funny thing.

Um...