Liberal Arts

You know, high school to college,

it can be a big transition,

especially if you're not from the city,

so... so we try to help out with that transition

in a number of ways.

That's a real accomplishment.

Congratulations.

I mean, you're not in yet, but...

no, things are looking pretty good.

We do an all-campus picnic, which is a nice way

for the incoming students to acclimate themselves

to the college.

For me, the most exciting thing about this place is the classes.

So you don't want to go to college?

You know, I'm not up to date on the course catalog.

One of the great things about this school is, you know,

you have a campus called New York City.

Greatest city in the world, they say.

I thought your essay was... was interesting.

A spell-check might be nice on these essays.

Planning on taking your boards again?

Love those extracurriculars.

Have you heard about the meal plan?

Fantastic.

Where do you see things going, you know,

after... after college?

Yours or mine?

Mine.

You can have it if you want, though.

Is that a new shirt?

Yeah, it is.

Do you like it?

Don't ask me that.

Why?

Because it's not my job

to make you feel good about yourself anymore.

That'll be all for you?

Anything else?

Oh, no, that's it.

That's a nice shirt.

Thanks.

Hello?

Jesse Fisher?

Yeah?

It's your favorite Communist.

Professor Peter Hoberg?

Screw you. I'm not a Communist.

How you doing?

Oh, you know.

Listen, I don't want to take up too much of your time,

but here's why I'm calling.

Ever since I announced that I was packing it in,

it's funny, but this whole place has finally decided

that they don't really hate me after all.

Now, I know Ohio is not as glamorous as New York,

but they're throwing me a retirement dinner thing

at the end of the month,

and they asked me to invite any former students

that might want to lie and say some nice things about me.

And since you're one of the great liars that I know...

When is it?

Weekend of the 25th.

You know, check your schedule.

Checking now.

Looks like I'd have to shift some things around, but yeah.

I'll be there.

Look at this.

How are you?

- Jesse. - Yeah,

Hi, I'm David. This is Susan.

Peter warned you that we'd be here?

He did. He did, yeah.

We're making him take care of us while we're here.

How was your drive?

It was good, yeah. Pleasant, actually.

Peter, Jesse's here!

So it's good to be back?

Yeah. Yeah, it's weird.

I drove up the hill.

I suddenly felt like I was seeing

an ex-girlfriend or something.

- The one that got away. - Exactly.

Zibby loves it here so much,

she gets sad to come home on breaks.

Zibby?

Sorry. Elizabeth, our daughter.

She's a sophomore.

She's in the improv group.

We came up to see one of her shows.

- How was it? - Hilarious.

Filthy but hilarious.

So how do you guys know Peter?

He was my camp counselor.

No way.

He made us sing pro-union songs around the campfire.

He never writes. He never calls.

Let me look at you.

Not bad.

Who's hungry?

- I'm hungry. - Okay, let's go.

We've got reservations.

Oh, man, 37 years.

Can you believe it?

Native New Yorker spends 37 years in a county

where the tallest building's nine stories.

Oh, my.

How are you feeling about it all?

- The retirement? - Yeah.

Oh, I don't know.

Another year of faculty meetings,

I'd throw myself off that nine-story building.

So how's the admissions game, buddy?

"How's the admissions game, buddy?"

Is that Professor Fairfield?

Yeah.

She looks fantastic!

Professor!

What is she like? Is she cool?

She's definitely not warm.

I loved her British Romantic lit class.

She was, like, the best teacher I had here.

She was, like, the second best teacher I had here.

Unbelievable.

You are unbelievable.

What?

Tell her how you feel.

I will.

Jesse, this is my daughter, Zibby.

Hello.

Peter, should we follow you?

If you think that's wise.

And he's like, "I had it up to here with America"

and its repressive, regressive, fascist", whatever.

I sound like that? That's how I sound?

You do. You sound like that.

And he gets up in front of the class.

He says, "I just... I couldn't take it anymore",

so I picked up my life, and I moved to France".

This is being ludicrously misreported, by the way.

So I raised my hand.

I said, "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Peter."

You're telling us you got so angry at this country

"that you moved to France?"

And Peter says, "Yeah."

Well, I had a Fulbright".

Yeah, well, yeah, if I told you

what this putz was like when he was here,

he'd run out of the room crying.

That's probably true.

Well, what were you like when you were here?

I was very handsome, wasn't I?

Am I remembering that correctly?

No, I don't remember that.

But what I do remember is you being a real jerk

to your parents on graduation weekend.

He didn't want to leave.

It's true.

And I blamed my parents, weirdly, all four of them.

Like it was their fault college was ending.

Don't do that to us.

- No, I won't. - She says that now.

So your parents told me you're in the improv group?

Yeah.

How's that?

It's the best. I love it.

What do you love about it?

I think I love how terrifying it is

and how you have to say "yes" to everything.

Sorry, what does that mean?

It's, like, the only rule of improv.

You can never say "no".

You have to say "yes" and then add something.

Like... like, look.

Okay, Mom, you and I

have been wandering in the desert for days,

and we're about to die, okay?

Okay, and I say, "Hand me that lemonade".

So hand me that lemonade.

Jesus, Susan, hand her the goddamn lemonade.

Never mind.

Jesse, hand me that lemonade.

Thank you.

Sweet, just the way I like it.

I nailed this.

It doesn't make sense.

We're in the desert.

I mean, where would we get lemonade?

It's great seeing you guys.

So what was your major?

I was English with a minor in history,

just to make sure I was fully unemployable.

- Right. - What about you?

Drama.

I mean, not officially yet,

'cause my dad's not totally thrilled with the idea,

so maybe also art history?

I'm just happy you go to class occasionally.

I thought maybe you just improvised all day long.

Nope.

I mean, I do, I guess.