How I Met Your Mother

Okay where were we?

It was June of 2006,

and life had just taken an unexpected turn.

Dad, can't you just skip ahead

to the part where you meet Mom?

I feel like you've been talking for like a year.

Honey, all this stuff I'm telling you is important.

It's all part of the story.

Could I go to the bathroom?

No.

The summer of 2006 was both wonderful and awful.

For me, it started out great.

In fact, day one was amazing.

I'd finally gotten together with Robin.

But while I'd been off having one of the best nights

of my life, your uncle Marshall

had been having one of the worst nights of his.

So that's it?

We're breaking up?

Marshall, I'm sorry. I just...

I just need to go

to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out

who I am outside of us.

And the only way

that I can do that is if... if we don't talk for a while.

For a while.

Try never, okay?

You walk out that door, and we're done.

You're never going to hear my voice again.

I should call her. No, No.

Ted it is... If you call her

when she asked you not to you're just going to look weak

and you're going to regret it.

Now, listen, whenever you feel like calling her,

you come find me first.

And I will punch you in the face.

You're a good friend, Ted.

Hey.

So, did you hear the big news?

You mean how Lily and Marshall broke up,

and Lily's gone and nothing else

even remotely important happened last night,

yeah, I think he knows.

Oh, my God.

I-I'm so sorry. Wh...

What happened?

Well, she left.

And I don't even know if she's coming back.

I didn't get your message until I woke up.

Bro, I am so sorry.

Thanks.

I know it must be tough,

but are you ready to hear something

that will not only make you feel better,

but will actively excite you?

Sure.

For the first time, ever, the three of us are single

at the same time.

I've dreamed about this day, boys,

and it's going to be

legendary.

Together, we will own this city.

Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends,

we'll be there.

Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues

through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there.

Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city

in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof shouting,

: "What's up, New York?"

We will be what is up New York.

Gentlemen, we are about to embark on...

Aw, man, you guys did it, didn't you?

One thing I learned that summer

is that when love is beginning...

And love is ending,

the first 30 days are remarkably similar.

For one thing, you spend most of your time in bed.

Your friends can't stand to listen to you.

He's so ticklish.

It was a really beautiful song.

So... stupid, man. (Mimicking choking)

And you never seem to wear pants.

Hey, Marshall.

Hey, Ted.

You hungry? What's the point?

I could eat some food.

It's just going to leave me.

Well, at least in that scenario you get to do the dumping.

Come on, it's Sunday.

It's pancakes day.

Lily always made the pancakes.

God, I loved her pancakes.

So soft.

So warm.

So perfectly shaped.

Are we still talking about her pancakes?

Come on, you got to eat something; What can I get you?

Beer.

No, that's what you had for dinner.

Fine.

Then I'll just have leftovers.

So, he stays home

all the time not getting laid?

No, see,

that's what you do when you have a fiancée.

He should be down here celebrating.

He's free.

He got that redheaded tumor removed.

You should write and illustrate children's books.

You know what Marshall needs to do.

He needs to stop being sad.

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

True story.

It's only been a month.

He just needs to go at his own pace.

Anyway, Lily's the one who caused this whole mess.

Hey, cut her some slack.

She's our friend, too.

She's just trying to figure out who she is.

Figure out who she is?

Yeah, she should call me; I got a whole list.

She's selfish.

She's immature.

She's...

What?

God, your eyes are so blue.

Aw, Teddy Bear.

Oh that's a...

Yeah, it was hard to feel too bad.

I was dating the woman of my dreams,

and things were going great.

Well, for the most part.

So, I found her shampoo.

I guess she left it here.

It smells like her.

Like lavender and seashells and hope.

Somehow,

erotic and comforting all at the same time.

That's my shampoo.

Oh, sorry.

Mmm, I thought he'd never go to sleep.

Uh-oh.

Already?

He's calling her.

I don't hear any... He's calling her.

No. (Screams)

Okay, you're right, I won't call her.

I will not call her.

Well, I called her.

And get this,

she changed her number.

What, like I'm going to stalk her,

or something? Like she's so special.

Like she's the only Lily Aldrin out there.

'Cause there are four others in the San Francisco area alone,

and they all seem a lot better than her

based on the brief conversations I had with them.

Does he know I'm in here?

Yeah, hey, Robin.

Anyways, one of the Lily Aldrins said...

This has to stop.

Ted, we just started dating.

We agreed we don't want to move too fast,

and yet somehow, we have a baby.

He can't feed himself.

He cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.

Have you tried breast-feeding?

Nailed it!

Look, they were together nine years.

It's only been a month and a half.

He just needs to go at his own pace.

He slept on our floor last night, Ted.

He watched a scary movie.

It is time for some tough love.

We need to get him out of that apartment.

He needs fresh air.

He needs sunshine.

Mmm, sunshine.

ANNOUNCER (over speaker): Please welcome to the stage, Sunshine.

All right, I really don't think this is going to help.

Do you know why you're not over Lily yet?

It's 'cause you can still picture her naked.

You can't get over a woman until you can no longer

picture her boobs; It's a scientific fact.

The average male brain can only store a finite number

of boob images or "b-pegs".

And your hard drive's filled to capacity with Lily's.

There are a lot of them.

Well, they won't go away until you overwrite them

with images of other women's boobs.

Now, this journey may take

as many as a million boobs,

so we begin here tonight, my friend.

Two at a time.

Those count as four.

Yeah.

This is fun right?

We're outside, it's a beautiful day.

The Indians are winning.

I got to admit,