New Girl

So I really want to ask what's in the box, but, uh,

it'll ignite a whole Seven thing.

"What's in the box? What's in the box?"

"Repeat, John Doe has the upper hand."

I have got to see this movie.

You guys make it sound so hilarious.

Anyway, my former boss, Principal Foster,

survived a real dicey safari in Africa.

His takeaway was that material possessions mean nothing.

Including his collection

of super fancy, old-ass wine.

The lions came at night.

That put everything in perspective.

Everything, dawg.

Ooh.

Jess, thank you. This is perfect.

Cece and I are completely moved into Jaipur Aviv.

So tonight, we'll be doing it for the first time

on our first night in our first house.

And I'm going to Aly's tonight. Yeah.

Gonna be doing it for the 10,000th time

on our 1,000th night

in her... 100th apartment?

You think Aly's lived in 100 apartments?

I hadn't, I hadn't crunched the numbers on it.

So, Reagan's out of town till tomorrow.

What are you and Nick gonna do tonight?

What makes you assume I'm hanging out with Nick?

I'm sorry. What are you doing tonight?

Picking out clothes for Nick.

What? I can't hear you.

I'm helping Nick pick out an outfit.

I... we have to nail down his look for SOCALYALCON 6.

Wow, SOCALYALCON 6. Wow.

I can't believe it's been a whole year since the last

Southern California Young Adult Literature Conference.

You're a 12-year-old girl.

You spent $35 to meet me.

Is this what you want me to look like?

I got two questions: uh, where'd I get $35 from,

and also, can my name be Daphne?

And I read that authors should all have a strong look,

so I found four authors with strong looks, and I combined them.

Tom Wolfe: white suit.

Hunter S. Thompson: yellow sunglasses.

David Foster Wallace: bandana.

Toni Morrison: The Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Here you go.

Well, that's perfect, Jess.

Well, it was easy. You have very few clothing items in your closet.

Also, are those your tax returns?

And why are you drying beef?

Because I don't have a file cabinet,

and because I couldn't eat all the meat in one night.

- Now... - That's gross.

- ... how do I look? - What you need is a navy blazer.

Do you have a navy blazer or just the pit boss special?

What kind of a man owns multiple blazers?

Ha! There's so many places for sex!

All right.

That makes it official.

Houses are way better than apartments.

Now that we're out of closets, watch out laundry room.

- Know what that sound is? - Hmm?

That is the absence of Nick.

The lack of Winston.

- What was that? - Someone's hitting our house.

It sounded like, like, a, like, knocking.

Yeah, but the-the door is that way.

Oh, my God, I totally forgot.

We have a back door.

Houses have a back door.

What kind of person comes to a back door?

- Jeremy. - On behalf of the neighborhood,

may I be the first to say, welcome, sir.

"A Guide to Your New Neighborhood by Jeremy."

- I didn't know you lived nearby. - I don't. But I will someday.

Just as I will do everything that you have done.

That's the tone that we talked about, Jeremy.

No, thank you.

I can't wait to have a servants' entrance.

- Let's not call it that. - Two points of entry.

Very well done, sir.

Cece, I just thought of another reason

why houses are better than apartments.

- Now we can enjoy two points of entry! - No, thanks!

I'm talking about the doors.

I-I didn't mean...

So a lion scares

Jess's old boss in Nigeria,

and we get so drunk we have sex on a dresser in America.

What a world.

It's all connected, baby.

And the broken dresser, that's my fault.

I'm all haunch.

- I'll buy you a new one. - You don't have to.

Because guess who has two dressers.

- Rip Torn. - No. Me.

I mean, you and Rip Torn.

Stop talking about Rip Torn.

- You have a backup dresser? - Yeah.

Just when I thought you couldn't get any more perfect.

It's in my...

ugh, my storage unit.

I-I'll get it tomorrow.

A dresser's pretty big; I could help you.

That's okay. I'll just get it tomorrow.

- I mean, my day is wide open... - I said no!

Okay.

"A Guide to Your New Neighborhood by Jeremy"

is very comprehensive.

Yes, the fact that we're in between a raisin house

and a toothbrush house,

makes me feel very confident about Halloween.

Crime statistics?

We have crime?

Crime that warrants statistics?

Oh, my God. It says there were 14 home invasions last year.

Up six percent from 2015?

Okay, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

W-we're just gonna get worked up about nothing.

Right? There are only two ways into this place,

the front door and the back door and we've locked them both.

- We're good, we're good. - We're good.

- Yeah, we're good. - Yeah, no. It's fine.

- Yeah. We're fine. - I just...

- Yeah. Okay. - Okay.

At the risk of sounding cliché,

should we have sex in the bedroom?

I think that's a great idea.

The hell was that?!

Are you the criminals?!

From the statistics?!

Oh, what are you doing?

I almost hit you with this brushed steel modern lamp.

- Really? - I am sorry we broke in,

but I'm also pretty impressed with us.

What kind of taco meat you bitches have?

I told you, if we locked both the doors,

our guests would know...

to come in through the windows.

Our ground floor windows.

You see? What started out as snark

has become a real eye-opener.

What did you want us to do?

Ring the bell and wake you guys up?

Oh, no. Thank God you didn't wake us up.

See? I told you they'd be cool. Ask him.

You were right.

Schmidt, here's my question.

Apologies.

My author look is missing one thing...

Navy blue, medium weight, two button.

I know the blazer. Nick, listen to me.

If you ever, ever need a blazer,

I don't care how late it is,

till the day I die, you wake me up.

Thanks.

Okay.

We're gonna have a conversation.

- I am a little concerned. - I know.

What if the blazer doesn't fit?

No. About you and Nick.

And about how you're being his girlfriend.

- You mean being his good friend. - I mean being his girlfriend.

A good friend will maybe

drive someone to the mall in the daytime

so that they can buy a blazer.

They don't go on a giggly late night crime date

so that they can steal one.

That's girlfriend stuff.

You've been doing a lot of girlfriend stuff lately.

"Godfather of Soul, blank Brown." Five letters.

- Bubba. - Okay.

Wait, you want to know who wins in a fight

between Winston Bishop and Winston Churchill?

Hey, do you know what this book's about?

Bayou n-noir.

Uh, Pepperwood, he's a private investigator...

It's about a man who has nothing, who risks everything,

to feel something.

Thank you.

None of that's girlfriend stuff.

That's all good friend stuff.

Okay, let me, uh, toss out a hypothetical to you, okay?

Nick has a piece of lint

on his sleeve.

Do you go, "Hey, bud, you got some lint on your sleeve"?

Or do you pick it off?

- I don't see how that's relevant. - Yes, you do.

Because you are a rabid watcher of The Crown.

- I watch a lot of shows. - And so therefore, you know...

that picking lint off of a man's sleeve...

is the most intimate gesture.

I just leave it there.

A little piece of lint on his sleeve.

- I wouldn't do anything. - What would you just want to...

Fine! I'd want to pick it off with my bare hands!

Oh, my God.

I'm the girlfriend.