My Mom's New Boyfriend

Is everything all right?

It would be fine if you weren't breathing down my neck.

Next time you eat garlic,

please do it after the robbery, thank you very much.

D'accord.

What did I tell you?

What did I tell you?

You have to make sure the shit works, okay?

Who are your partners?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

Are you telling me you don't know who you're working with?

I don't know.

How long were you planning this heist?

I don't know.

Are you the one who tried to rob the Salome statues

six months ago in Rome?

I don't know.

You don't know much, do you?

I don't know. No idea.

Maybe you'd like six months in the hole.

How would you like that?

I don't know.

Well, I do know.

You won't like it one bit.

Maybe we postpone your trial date indefinitely.

What do you think of that?

I'll be out of any jail you put me in by 3:00 Friday.

And why is that?

Because I have to see someone at 4:00 on Friday.

You all right, Mom?

Mom? You all right?

Sure, sure.

Am I dead?

No, Mom, you're not dead.

Damn it!

Oh, Henry.

I know you have... I know you have to go.

Honestly, I'm so proud of you, son.

I'm just gonna miss you so much.

I know, I know. No, no, no.

No more smoking. Come on.

Henry, it's all I've got left.

That's not true.

Wait a second.

What, what, what?

No. No, Mom.

Yes, Henry.

Like your soda?

Yeah, thank you.

You're such a good son, Henry.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you're leaving.

Your father would be so proud of you.

I'm not so sure about that.

Why do you say that, Henry?

Because I'm an FBI agent, and he died in jail.

True, true, but he'd still be proud of you.

Look, you know that I might not be able to contact you,

you know, maybe... maybe even at all while I'm on this operation,

but I want you to know that I am gonna be okay.

Make sure of that, Henry, because you're all I've got.

Here you go.

Here you go.

Hello?

Mom?

Who the hell are you?

Excuse me.

Excuse me... miss?

Oh, my God.

Henry!

Mom?

Careful on the deck. Very slippery.

I see that, but when did you get a pool put in?

Oh, Henry, I kicked ass in the stock market. I really did.

You wouldn't believe how much money I made.

Oh, my stocks just kept splitting and splitting and splitting.

That's great. Okay, great.

Hey, listen. Okay, okay.

Here. You wanna know what, why don't you take this, okay,

and cover those up.

Oh, Henry. For God's sake, I'm not gonna cover anything up.

These were very, very expensive.

There's so much I have to tell you.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Well, go slow.

Okay. Okay.

So I dropped you off at the airport and went to get a cup of coffee.

What was in it?

Well, honestly, a lot of sugar, but that's not the point.

This guy dropped a quarter in my cup. I should've kissed that man on the lips.

- Oh, Mom. - Yep.

He saved my life. I looked like a bag lady.

So I said, "Marty, you've gotta be making some changes."

Who's Marty?

I don't go by Martha anymore.

Okay.

Well, Mom, I have a surprise for you, too.

Yes?

I'm engaged.

You're engaged?

I got engaged to a wonderful woman by the name of Emily

who also works in the Bureau,

and she's flying in this afternoon.

Oh, Henry! Oh, my God!

Mom?

This is Emily.

Oh, Emily!

Oh, Mrs. Durand.

Oh, Marty.

Oh, I have a daughter.

Henry.

Oh, she's lovely.

God, something smells great.

Yeah, oh, I'm making Henry's favorite turkey casserole.

Don't expect anything too edible, 'cause I haven't made it in a long time.

Oh, no, I'm sure it'll be great.

I don't even care about the food.

I'm just so happy we're all together finally.

You know, Henry told me so much about you.

In fact, you were kind of all he talked about.

Kind of worried about how obsessed he seemed, but now I see why.

Well, I hope you like garlic because I made these...

spanakopita appetizers,

and there's a very spicy red garlic dip.

This is great. You have to try this.

Well, I got it from this Italian chef that I was dating.

You... you have a boyfriend?

A boyfriend? No.

Hell, no. Not gonna make the mistake I made with your father.

- Okay, good. - I have several boyfriends.

Party hearty, Marty.

You okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

So, Emily, what is it that you do at the FBI?

Are you a field agent like Henry?

Yeah, I work in the field, but mostly I do psychological profiling.

Right on, right on, like Clarice Starling.

Well, nothing that exciting, but yeah.

Mom, you've barely touched your food.

I don't mean to be rude to you guys,

but there was something that I wanted to do later on.

There was some business that I needed to take care of.

Over dinner?

Yeah, but I can change my plans.

No, don't be silly. Don't change your plans 'cause of us.

Where are you going? It's 9:00.

Well, my date's not coming till 10:30,

and Henry, don't worry... after 12:00, I don't turn into a pumpkin.

So, tell us about your boyfriends.

Okay. All right. Well, where will I start?

Well, there was Enrico, the chef.

He was adorable. He just wouldn't let me go.

He would sit outside

on the front lawn at night just sobbing like a child.

It was really just heartbreaking.

Just sad.

Right?

Don't make me miss him.

Emily knows what I mean.

Anyway, it just took me a long time to realize

that there was something missing inside.

- Missing from inside the house? - No, Henry.

Missing inside here, spiritually.

So started my quest for enlightenment,

inner peace, inner joy,

the person who'd gotten buried alive

in a sea of nicotine and packaged cakes...

Yeah. This is so great.

Yeah, yeah.

So what did you do?

I went to India.

You went to India?

Yeah.

You used to never leave the house.

Then I went to Tibet and I studied Buddhism,

and I read the Koran, and then studied Kabala.

And then I understood.

What?

That the whole world is one truth-seeking organism,

and so it doesn't matter if your science is religion

or your religion is science, because we all seek meaning.

We all seek our reason for being.

That is so beautiful.

And the reason why we're here is...?

To have fun,

because it's all over too freakin' fast.

Marty!

Well, I'll get that.

Hey, honey, can you get that?

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.

Can I help you?

Yeah, dude, I'm here for Marty.

Dude?

What?

No, no, no.

You said "dude."

Yeah.

Hey, Mom, there's some kid here. He just called me dude.

- You want me to just... - That's Eddie!

I can wait out here.