I Feel Bad

- - That's our alarm going off

an hour earlier than usual, 'cause with three kids

and two jobs, there's never enough time in the morning.

But Mama figured it out.

Baby, get up.

It's time to do it.

Mm, I don't wanna. Too early.

Oh, come on.

Don't make me do it all by myself.

No, I don't know if I can get the little guy up.

He's not so little anymore.

Wait, what are we talking about right now?

Getting the kids to school on time.

Mm, yeah, yeah, kids. I knew that.

God, you still wake up like this every morning?

Mm.

What a waste.

Okay, we're tricking the kids by setting

the clocks an hour ahead, 'cause we're the family

who's always late for school and work,

and I'm tired of sucking at life.

- Eat! Good morning. - Why is it still dark out?

It's double daylight savings time.

Here, eat your breakfast.

Let's see if we can find any clean coffee cups

in this filthy hellhole.

Holy moly, you're awake already.

Yep, we're crushing it.

You're not crushing it, man. You want to see crushing it?

Look at the Walkers. They're already reaching

the peak of their sunrise hike.

Come on, we've got a good little bunch here too.

- Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie... -

Mom, you know how fake that Instagram family you're obsessed with is, right?

Oh, you're just jealous because you ain't got no content.

Oh, I just wish this family would do one thing

to make me feel hashtag blessed.

Oh, no, we are,

because we are hashtag on time for school.

We're on time. Great, let's go.

Bye, I love you.

Okay, great, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Come on.

Wait, I forgot about my homework.

- It's fine. We'll do it in the car. - Yeah.

Okay, I'm just supposed to do a report about Abraham Lincoln,

build a log cabin, and dress up like him.

Hashtag morning fail.

Do you have a top hat?

We didn't have time for anything

except faking the worst costume in history.

- Costume. - Costume.

- Stapler. - Stapler.

- Log cabin. - Log cabin.

Here you go, yes.

Are you guys sure this is good?

Sometimes you just have to tell your kids the truth.

Honey, it's not good.

It is great!

This is not one of those times.

And here we are late again,

stuck in the usual school drop-off hell.

These people take their costumes too seriously.

Okay, come on, enough with the kissing.

They're going off to Tuesday, not college.

We got a spot. We got a spot. Yes!

Aha, aha.

Ah, yes!

Work hard. Be kind. Love you.

Get out.

- Hi. - Hi.

Uh, sorry, the fast lane is a new perk for honor roll students only.

I guess somebody didn't read the school newsletter.

Sorry, how do you know that we're not an honor roll family?

Because you don't have a sticker...

And your child is drinking syrup.

Louie, stop drinking your homework.

Just move it back into the other lane, okay?

Thank you.

Okay, that's cultural appropriation.

Namaste.

I know, I know I'm late. I know, I know.

I got screwed by the honor roll fast lane.

Okay, just tell me you guys started working on the creature designs.

The creature designs.

No, of course you didn't.

Did you at least save me a plain bagel?

No, all that's left is the bottom half of a blueberry.

It's not our fault, okay?

The jocks took all the good bagels.

Okay, they're not jocks.

They're nerdy sports game developers.

I don't know why you guys let them intimidate you.

The guys had always been disgruntled

because they didn't get roof access while the sports guys did.

Hey, dudes.

Oh, yeah, you can't. Roof access is a big dog perk.

The meaner the jocks were to the guys,

the more the guys wanted to hang out with them.

Man, those guys are frickin' cool.

They are such big old d-holes.

If all it took was being a d-hole,

you'd be on the roof already.

Oh, my God, thank you, Norman.

You know what?

You guys deserve roof access,

and I deserve an honor roll sticker

even if I don't have an honor roll kid.

I deserve a blue badge.

That's it: I can make one.

Make an honor roll kid, at your age?

Not a kid, Chewey, a sticker.

I can make a sticker.

Right.

You know what, fire up the Photoshop.

Let's go, move it. Move it.

And just like that, I had an honor roll sticker.

Oh, hey, Mom.

Hey, volunteer mom, who wants to with me?

You want to try ing with me today?

Mom, language.

God, I thought you had your headphones in.

Ah. Work hard. Be kind. Love you. Get out.

Oh! Sticker.

Left it at home last time.

Bye, bitch.

Don't mind if I do.

Ow!

Hey, Lily, is that your sticker?

No.

Huh, then how'd Mom get one?

I got my ID swipe on at 8:59, baby players.

Almost took the stairs 'cause I'm nasty.

I'm a punctual baller, son.

Oh, I'm all about that on-time life, am I right?

I've been here since 6:00.

Thank you very much for that.

Appreciate you.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I'm here.

Hi, pretties.

Hello, all the bagels.

Oh, you're so plain.

Okay, let me see some sketches.

Well, I have about 50...

- Great. - Of the roof deck.

What?

You know, the one that we're excluded from.

See, I'm thinking that there is a fountain

surrounded by velvet chaise lounges.

I love a chaise lounge.

Is it a couch? Is it a bed?

I meant for work, Chewey.

Oh, then no, sorry. I get obsessed.

Ever since I was a kid,

I would sketch things I couldn't experience,

you know, like prom or... pfft... other kids' birthday parties

or parents in a happy marriage.

Bet those jocks are up there right now

you know, talking about hoops and beers and touchdowns,

hanging out in some sick-ass grotto

underneath, like, a frickin' waterfall.

Just... pbbt... oh.

Just a friggin' waterfall.

That's why we can't get a good flush going down here.

It's classist, okay?

A good flush is a fundamental human right.

It's about dignity.

Guys, stop, okay?

Listen, if I can get to work like a punctual baller,

you guys can get roof access like sneaky ballers.

But first get back to work like worker ballers.

Can you stop talking like that?

No. It's fun.

Ugh. Okay, you heard bagel baller.

- Get back to work. - Yeah.

I'm making a fake badge. We're getting on that roof.

Yes!

Sorry, that was decades in the making.

After slaying it at work,

I even had time to make a nutritious meal for my family... happen.

What, hot deli.

What is the occasion?

I don't know, just killing it at life, I guess.

Oh, what a wonderful mother.

Thanks, Mom.

Not you, Mrs. Walker.

She made her family frittatas

with fresh veggies from her garden.

Why is she in a bikini in every photo?

I imagine her kitchen is very hot.

You know, Mom, I could Photoshop the best version of us too,

but I don't want us to be a family of liars.

Trust me, all their deceit will catch up to them someday.

- Mom, Mom. - Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I know about the sticker, Mom.

Oh, God, it's caught up to me.

Okay, honey, listen to me. I can explain.

You don't have to. You tried to keep it a secret

so Lily wouldn't feel bad.

I made the honor roll!