Chozen

- Nu-huh, one step back. - Man, I saw you.

You was, like, two inches behind where I spit my gum.

Just shoot it, stupid.

Pump fake up!

- Aah. Brick. - That rim ain't regulation.

- Oh, you've got a W. - W? What are you talking about?

- We're playing "whores," right? - Yeah, with an "H."

No, stupid. That's "hoes." That's one less letter.

Hey, guys. Guess who I saw on twitter today.

Uh, some guys from Stretch Money Records

are going to be at the Mozzarella Dick's tonight.

We give them our CD, and boom, record deal!

Man, why the hell are label dudes

hanging out at some shitty Italian restaurant?

It's not a restaurant anymore.

Dick Jr. took over the place, and now it's a strip club.

- Oh, hell, yeah. - With chicks.

Ugh, terrible management decision.

How can a man who wears a basketball jersey,

like literally every day, miss that shot?

Man, Mozzarella Dick's is the shit.

Man, you're going to love that buffet and shit.

Well, I guess if I'm going to be forced to watch topless women,

I might as well do it with a bottomless bowl

of pas-ghetti and a spicy meat-a-ball!

Speak.

Hunter, no! Turn your ass around.

You know I ain't going to no stupid club named cathedral.

Probably be a bunch of warlocks and fat girls in long gloves.

Ooh, I hate them chunk-rock bitches.

Nah, dog. My cousin Jorge goes to Cathedral all the time.

He says it's crazy, like, sex and drugs

and, like, a ton of shiny, oily guys and shit.

Pick me up immediately.

All right! I'mma own y'all on this one.

King Lebronius James ain't got shit on Prince Chozen.

Off the pole, side gutter, satellite dish, nothing but net.

Uh, Larry bird!

- Ah, goddammit! - Just missed it.

Hey, you're paying for that window, dick!

Don't you put that shit on me, Ricky.

What did you expect with that weak-ass

non-licensed ball and cheap Mexican glass?

Well, that's my ride. Good game, fellas.

1x08 - Boy's Night

Damn, Hunter. Check out this ho-asis.

All this top loin got me giddy.

Why you're looking like a white bitch in a horror movie?

We're not at Hannigan's. This is Cathedral.

- I'm not sure I'll fit in. - Chill, Hunter.

No matter what happens in here tonight,

you get to come home with me, and you know

I'm going to beat that thing up just the way you like it.

Good luck to you. Usually big guys like us

have trouble getting in here.

Speak for yourself, dumbo drop.

I've got girth. See these? Pecs!

- See those? Tittays. - Uh... it's glandular.

Yeah, your mouth gland eating too many

of those little Debbie snack cakes.

Nice try. You're not even Chicago hot.

Oh, man. I already love this place.

- Natural selection, bitch! - Hey, you can't just walk in.

This isn't red lobster.

Sorry, this is our first time here.

Wait. You two are together?

Hell, yeah. In, like, a semi-exclusive,

"non-gamogamous" way.

Uh, whatever, but only because you're so fine.

Oh! Appreciate the props, my dude.

You lucky he liked me.

I told you not to put so much gel in your hair.

Looking like a greasy Ron Weasley.

Deuces, loser!

Oh, my god. Everyone here is so good-looking.

I know! Ooh, that one looks like

he could swiffer a man from pucker to shaft.

I have never seen so many muscles.

They're all tens. I feel like a two.

You've got to work on your self-esteem,

or else people are going to treat you like a little bitch.

Now, go fetch me a drink. None of that well shit neither.

I'm talking top shelf. Treat ourselves.

Good idea, bro. I could really use a shot.

- Don't go too far, okay? - I'll be right here.

- Hey! - Oh, sorry.

Just needed to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

I'm not sure if clams at a titty bar is a good idea.

Yeah, good looking out. Oh, calamari!

Man, I'm glad your lady set you free tonight.

- What do you mean set me free? - It's just like,

usually you have to watch the Bachelor or go clothes

shopping, or like, cook a lentil loaf or some shit.

- You're like, you know, wha-poosh! - Dude, what was that?

It's a whip, 'cause you're pussy-whipped.

Like, wha-pam, wha-pa-pam!

I ain't whipped shit. My girl gets me dinner every night...

well, the ingredients for dinner, then I cook it.

But she does the dishes. I just gotta put them away.

It's a pretty cool setup.

Hey, dog, don't look, but that's the guy from Stretch Money right there.

- Those dudes look official. - I heard that the one on the left

hit a valet with a bottle of ciroc just for farting next to his car, dog.

Hey, hold up. I gotta take this real quick.

Whappa-pam!

Hey, baby. What's up?

Of course, I don't want to be here. I told you it's for work.

Yo, you see, it turns out interns can't sue for harassment.

So, as long as she's 18, I'm off the hook.

- Boom! - Ha, ha, that's a cool story.

Hey, so I was thinking that dudes like you

might want to hear, like, a dope track and shit.

Oh, yeah, man. Let me take a listen.

- Oh, did that just happen? - No unsolicited music, man.

Oh, it's not unsolicited. It's hip-hop.

Oh, hell, yeah! Yo, DJ, turn it up!

This is my career.

Once we get this record deal, I can finally take you to Atlantis,

with all that under the sea dining and dolphins and shit.

What part of this do you not understand?

You're acting short-sighted as hell.

Maybe I shouldn't come home tonight, huh?

Hello? Babe, you there? Hello?

Crisco?

- Hey. What's up, girl? - It's Jennifer, from high school.

Uh... right. Jennifer, from high school.

Around here I go by Cayenne.

'Cause you're hot like the pepper?

No, expensive like a Porsche. You want to dance?

You know what? Yes. That would be lovely.

All right, gentlemen. Coming up next, we have Briana.

Now, don't be stingy. Tuition is due,

and that nursing degree ain't free.

Hey. I spin, too, dog.

What kind of decks are you working with?

- Uh, iPod. - Oh, so cool. Yeah.

Hey, me and my boy over there got this song and shit.

Maybe we can import this to iTunes, and then, like,

update the id3 tags, then sync it to your iPad...

Look, all I do is introduce the strippers and press play.

Maybe honest Abe can convince you, homie.

Sorry, pal. The girls pick their own music.

Thanks for the tip.

Whoa! Please, everyone,

do not throw coins on the stage.

These ladies do not have dental.

De-licious.

Oh! Call a doctor 'cause all this man-candy

is about to give me dong diabetes.

Let me guess. That's for me.

Okay. We've got botox biatches in that corner,

'roid ragers over there. That's twinky town.

Oh, and some Asian tops, very rare.

Toshi! Konnichiwa, whore.

Hey, Fidget. This is Hunter, a real live bubblegummer.

Can you believe it's his first visit here?

- Werk. - 'Sup, bro.

Straight acting and appearing? Oh, where did you find him?

Just wandering around like a little lost puppy.

Don't worry. We'll find you a good home.

Actually, I came with someone.

And you'll leave with someone better.

Come on. Let's hit the VIP.

Welcome to the big time, Hunty.

So then I was in the fed for a few years, and I...

Oh, no shit, man. Me, too!

10 years, to be exact. I mean, I just got out.

Wow, seasoned. Settle something for us.

What's your opinion on Goldman Sachs?

Well, personally I enjoy man-sacks of all colors.

Gold, black, white, Filipino if I'm drinking...

Those nipples look like they could cut diamonds.

Well, I've got some jewels in my jeans.

- Care to appraise? - Pardon me?

- Buy me a drink, farm boy. - Me buy you a drink?

All right, twist my arm, player.

You could buy me dinner, too.

Full disclosure, I eat a lot.

I mean, you best be clipping some coupons.

Look, creep. This is Cathedral, and you're too gross not to be rich.

Damn, this place treats a brother worse

than Sing Sing treats a baby toucher.

Don't mind if I do.

- Oh, my god. Is that him? - Ugh, he's a beast!

He makes me laugh.

Everyone with a busted boyfriend says that.

You best lift that rope. You've got

a very impressive penis getting pissed out here.

- He's fine. He's with me. - Oh. No problem, Hunty.

Hunty?

- Stupid. - This place is amazing. I love it here.

'Sup, ballers? So you met my man Hunter.

Oh, complimentary beverages!

I like your style, guys. I'll just make myself

a little something-something 'cause, for real,

drinks down there are expensive.