The Pursuit of Love

What did I tell you about air raids not killing people?

My bed simply went through the floor,

and Plon-Plon and I went on it.

Perfectly comfortable!

Linda Radlett was not only my favourite cousin.

But then, and for many years, my favourite human being.

Don't pity me, Fanny.

I've had five months of perfect and unalloyed happiness.

Very few people can say that in the course of long lives,

- I imagine. - Very few.

As we turned down the drive at Alconleigh,

I asked myself if Linda's five months of perfect happiness

were quite worth all the chaos and confusion

of the other 29 years.

But I often thought about things like that with Linda.

It always feels like Christmas, coming home.

I know.

Ever since I was a small child, I was sent

to spend the Christmas holidays with Linda

in a large, ugly north-facing house

high on a hill in Oxfordshire.

Most of these Christmases were marked with violence.

There was the time Linda's pony lay on her in the brook

and nearly drowned her.

The time she tried to kill herself

in an attempt to rejoin a smelly old Border terrier

which Uncle Matthew had put down.

The time she decided to tell

the daughters of some neighbours the facts of life...

...resulting in dreadful beatings from Uncle Matthew...

...and luncheon alone for two whole weeks.

Linda hated to be alone.

She was a wild and nervous creature,

full of passion and longing.

But of all the Christmases,

the Christmas I remember the most

was when we were 17,

and Linda decided that her life had to begin.

No, you can't give the dog a cake

before you give me a piece! That's not fair!

I stumbled into the hall and found Linda's mother,

my Aunt Sadie, and the children having tea, as they always did,

in front of the fireplace, over which hung, as it always had,

the entrenching tool Uncle Matthew had used

to whack to death eight Germans as they crawled out of a dugout

in 1915.

Linda's father, my Uncle Matthew,

knew no middle course.

He either loved or he hated,

and, generally, it must be said, he hated.

I hate Huns, Frogs, Americans, Catholics

and all other foreigners, but above all, I hate children!

He had four beautiful bloodhounds,

with which, every Christmas,

he would hunt his children, and a pair of stock whips

he cracked on the lawn every morning at dawn.

Had the Radletts been poor,

he no doubt would have been sent to prison for beating

and refusing to educate them.

Uncle Matthew loathed educated females...

...particularly me.

Fanny!

- Fanny! - You're here!

Fanny, welcome. You must be exhausted.

Come and have a cup of tea. How was your journey?

Come and sit in Jassy's chair.

As always, Linda was the most pleased to see me,

but determined not to show it.

Linda?

Fanny's here.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yes, please.

Hello.

Where's your mouse?

Oh, she got a sore back and died.

Had you been riding it?

Nobody cried so much or so often as Linda.

That's how they always die.

It's some sort of urinary disease.

Anything, but especially anything about animals,

would set her off.

Her emotions were on no ordinary plane.

She loved or she loathed.

She laughed or she cried.

She lived in a world of superlatives.

Linda was the chairman of a secret club

called the Hons Society.

Its headquarters was a linen cupboard

at the top of the house.

- Six. - OK.

That's great.

- Three-quarters. - Well done.

The dead mouse was quickly forgotten.

Even smaller than last year.

- Your hair's got long. - Neck, tummy.

One...

Seven and a third.

So I win on arms, eyes, waist, ankles,

- and you win on bust. - Hmm. I hate bust.

Farmers love busts!

Linda and I were both in love

with people we had never met, I with a fat,

red-faced middle-aged farmer I sometimes saw

riding through the village, and Linda

with the Prince of Wales.

Why can't your prince and my farmer

be invited to Louisa's ball?

Because Matthew won't let anyone fanciable

within 50 miles of the house.

A coming-out ball was planned that Christmas

for Linda's older sister, Louisa.

We're trapped!

Our only hope is the Prince breaking down in his motor car.

"Pray, who is that beautiful young lady?

"1 wish to marry her."

"Well, you can't! She's here under lock and key!

"I killed 15 Germans with an entrenching tool!

"I can certainly kill you!"

"He must have your daughter, Sir.

"His happiness depends on it, and subsequently,

"so does the happiness of England.”

Even then, Linda's fantasies were altogether more ambitious

and dangerous than mine.

I want to sit next to Fanny!

Oh, you took your time!

- This better be good, Linda. - It is.

It's so hot in here. Talk about back to the womb!

It's more welcoming than my mother's womb, I imagine.

Fanny, it is unfair that you have wicked parents and not me.

So you aspire to being wicked and adulterous, do you, Linda?

No. I aspire to true love.

The kind of which only comes once in a lifetime

and lasts for ever.

The news I have for the Hons today,

while of considerable Hon interest,

generally, particularly concerns...

...Fanny!

Oh!

Aunt Emily is engaged.

No, Linda, you're making it up.

I found proof. "My dear sister Sadie...

"...Not to tell the children we're engaged.

"The captain and I will arrive late on Christmas Eve

"and stay in time for Louisa's party, of course.

"All love from Emily."

Why would she want to get married, anyway?

She can't love him.

- He's 40. - He must be ancient.

Maybe he'll fall in love with Fanny.

Aunt Emily had brought me up ever since I was a baby.

It had always been just her and me.

Aunt Sadie had two sisters -

my mother and Aunt Emily.

At the age of 19, my mother,

feeling herself too beautiful and gay to be

burdened with a baby, left my father for another man,

and gave me to Aunt Emily to bring up.

Goodbye, darling!

My impetuous mother subsequently ran away so often

and with so many different men

that she became known to her family and friends

as "the Bolter",

There you are, darling. I hope you like it.

Occasionally she would reappear like a meteor,

showering me with her extravagance,

and I would long to be caught up in her fiery trails

and be carried away...

...but she would always vanish off again to a new man.

And in my heart, ! knew how lucky I was

to have safe, reliable, kind Aunt Emily.

Come on, Fanny!

Get dressed, lazybones!

The Radletts loved animals,

but more than anything in the world,

- they loved to hunt foxes. - (HUNTING HORN BLOWS)

All away!

Ohh!

Where is her Ladyship, your mother, hunting this Christmas?

She's in Paris, Josh.

No human being like her Ladyship

I ever saw on a horse.

And look at you.

Jostling about in that saddle.

Miss Linda takes after her Ladyship, your mother,

- something wonderful. - Why is that good?

Isn't my mother supposed to be wicked, Josh?

Here's Fanny!

Darling, may I introduce you to Captain Warbeck?

Please only ever call me Davey.

He looked different with his clothes on.

You must find it a terrible joke,

old people like us getting married.

No, of course not.

Captain David Warbeck.

He doesn't look much like a military man.

Or a marrying one, for that matter.

I can't see him killing any Germans

with an entrenching tool.

Hmm.

Ah...