Bumpin' Body Phat

Now, I'm thinking that this is probably a little smaller than your previous place,

but it's still pretty nice.

You know, the landlord's a buddy of mine.

This place isn't even listed.

He's letting us get in early. Take a look.

So, Nina Whitley, welcome to your new home.

Huh?

Huh.

Okay.

Is there another half? No, this is the whole thing.

Okay, um...

You know what, I do like to take a place

and make it my own,

do some decorating and some futzing.

I'm a bit of a futzer.

Wow, were the last tenants who lived here Keebler Elves?

This place is really tiny.

I don't know if I can do it. I don't think I can do this.

I can't, actually. I can't do this. I can't...

Where would I put my i-shaped couch?

Hey, you're a public defender now.

This is a public defender-sized space.

You want to live in a murder-free zip code in this area... this is the size.

Listen, between us, I'd jump on this quick.

It's not gonna be around forever,

so what do you say?

Oh, my God.

You're getting a commission

from your little landlord buddy friend, aren't you?

What? It's not a game-changing amount.

I mean, it's more I'm doing a favor for the guy.

It's win-win for everybody.

Son of a bitch.

Benched - 01x02 Downsizing

All right, boys and girls,

it's that time of the year again.

The time when you shed your larvae skin, become a butterfly?

I'm talking about the Keely Foundation fundraising gala...

Where we beg for money for this sinking ship,

and if you want a job to come back to,

you'll schmooze, suck up,

and do whatever you have to do to whore yourselves out, huh?

I'm fine with being a whore.

That's the next thing on the agenda, Cheryl.

This year, try to keep the drunkenness down to about a six, huh?

And if you do hook up with a valet again, not in public.

In my defense, I thought his car windows

were more tinted than they were.

And I also need somebody to do

the obligatory thank-you speech on our behalf.

Anybody? Any takers? Anyone?

- I'll do it. - Whatever.

Well, this all sounds super exciting,

and it's gonna literally kill me to miss it,

but I won't be there.

- And why not? - I have a thing.

- Of course you do. - Oh, boy, a thing?

Well, if you must know,

I coach a basketball team of at-risk kids,

and that's the night of their championship game.

Whatever. I hate kids.

Look, I want the rest of you to make sure you're there,

and make sure you thank everybody from the foundation

for that goddamn copier that they gave us, okay?

Okay? I can't hear your heads rattling.

Yes, yes, okay.

- Wow, you are good. - Good at what?

What is it really? You can tell me. I get it.

I mean, this thing sounds like a nightmare.

What? No, no.

I love hanging around with a bunch of jagbag lawyers watching them mingle

and grease each other up like seals.

Jagbags, which are...

That's what you get when you combine jag-off corporate lawyers

and douche bag corporate lawyers...

Jagbag.

How many jagbags are gonna be there?

Let's see. All of them.

- All... all of them? - Yeah, every firm.

They send their best jagbags,

and it's like a Harry Potter convention,

except instead of nerds in robes,

it's jagbags in suits.

Well, I think this girl needs to get her

Potter wand broom thingy

and get ready to fight some wizard zombies in glasses.

I've never seen the movie.

So now you want to do the speech?

Sure, I think I'd be good at it,

and I get the value of saying thanks

to all the people who help us, you know, the little people.

Bulldick, you just want to show off

in front of these people, so that you can weasel

your way back into money law.

Maybe. I have needs.

My... my skin has needs, okay?

I have a very complicated t-zone,

and there isn't any one product that can tame it.

Look, these are my people.

I speak fluent jagbag, all right?

So just let me do this.

- I'd be... I'd be... - Fine, whatever.

I really don't give a sh...

Just go back to doing lawyer things, huh?

You're not gonna regret this. Thank you so much.

I... yeah.

Okay, uh, Whispers.

- Hmm. - That's your real name.

All right, you're off on probation and a fine for soliciting.

- Oh. - A little advice.

You seem like a smart girl.

You can do better than this.

You're right.

It's time for me to take that step up, even though change can be so hard.

Oh, God, I hear you.

You should see this hovel I might have to move into.

Hey, Nina, I've been meaning to ask.

Okay.

How do I get a Trent?

A what?

A Trent.

Handsome, successful.

It's been a ragged year on the man front,

and I usually don't even get a good look at them

until the next day,

and then by then, you know,

teeth in the glass, wig on the floor.

Right.

You got a Trent. How did you do it?

You realize he dumped me, right?

Okay, but pre-dumped Nina...

What would she have done?

This fundraiser is coming up,

and it's my best chance

to meet a fancy guy like the kind you used to get.

Well, it's actually not that hard, Cheryl.

You just... you find something you want,

whether it be a job or a guy like Trent

who wears a suit so tailored

it makes you derail every single

one of your dreams...

And then you focus.

You focus on that voice inside of you that says,

"that's mine."

And nothing else should matter.

What about the voice that says, "you deserve nothing"?

- Is that a voice? - You don't hear it?

No.

They said no.

No? What do you...

Wait, what do you mean they said no?

- They didn't approve you to give the speech. - Not approving?

"They"? Who's "they"?

The head of the events committee, Debbie Mathersons.

From Schuster Alexander?

Sh... Debbie... my old firm.

Ah, now it makes sense.

At first I thought who the hell cares

about some dumb speech?

Did you think they'd forget

your complete mental collapse in the lobby

after smashing a million-dollar vase from Eddie Rabbitt?

Elton John. Eddie Rabbitt?

What the hell is wrong with you?

I love the rainy night, you and I, Juice Newton... don't you get out?

Yeah, but not a lot since 1970.

Look, I'm better now.

Can't you call her and tell her that I'm a new person?

- Yeah. - You're not gonna call her.

- No. - Bye, Burt.

Bye, angry lady.

And please, thank Debbie again

for taking this meeting.

Yeah, I'll def... I will definitely be there.

Thank you, thank you.

Okay, bye.

Yes.

Wow. You want it that bad?

You will literally grovel to the woman

that got the promotion you deserved...

By sleeping with the boss.

And that's not deeply humiliating?

Do you know what's deeply humiliating...

Is having a client pee in your purse

while the judge laughs at your bail request.

I belong in corporate law...

- Oh. - Among nice things.

No, you don't get up on your medium horse,

Mr. "I have to skip the fundraiser for a thing."

Quick, how many boys you coach?

Trick question. We got a girl. She's got the best jump shot.

- Oh, yeah, what's her name? - Melinda.

- What's your center's name? - Marnold Estefan... Evez.

Shame on you.

Oh, you're new.

Hi, Nina Whitley for Debbie Mathersons.

Miss Mathersons?

Uh, miss Whitley is here to see you.

- Nina. - Hey, Debbie.

How you doing? This is not what it looks like.