How to Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life)

When you live with your parents,

a peaceful everyday thing like reading

can be interrupted by said parents leaving for the theater.

...Bottleneck the whole way.

Take fountain. Do you have the tickets?

I-I gave you the tickets. You put 'em in your purse.

- Why would you give me the tickets? - Because you said,

"give me the tickets. I'll put 'em in my purse."

I don't know. Well, we should go. It'll be fine.

Oh, yeah, right, 'cause they'll always let you in

without tickets. Tickets are pretty much optional.

Getting angry will not bring those tickets back.

I have a right to my anger, Elaine, okay?

That's what makes us human... Anger and carbon. Look it up.

But what is this really about?

Did someone in your life lose something important to you?

You. You lost the tickets.

There's no deeper analysis necessary.

You know what? Just let it be what it is, okay?

The night is ruined. We're just people now...

People who are not going to be going to the show.

Okay, I was really looking forward to you both leaving,

so let's make this happen.

Mom, where is the last place you had the tickets?

I have never seen these tickets in my entire life.

She was doing her hair. I handed them right to her.

Mom.

Oh, for crying out loud.

There they are.

We should go.

Yeah, give me the tickets. Elaine.

Okay, according to...

According to this test kit,

that brown stuff under your bed...

Was not toxic mold.

That's because, as I repeatedly told you,

it's cupcake crumbs from when I fell asleep

eating a cupcake. What if you choke?

Then I die the happiest death ever.

Look, daddy, it's you, me, and mommy

camping at golden bear. I can't wait to go again.

Um, actually, honey,

we are not doing another

- family trip to golden bear this year. - Why not?

When your kid asks you why you aren't going camping

with your ex-husband,

you have two choices...

Or...

Well, we are not, uh, doing it because

we as a nation decided to give golden bear back to the bears.

That's what that whole last election was about.

So the bears are up there. They're celebrating.

They're drinking. They're having honey.

They're like, "oh, my God, bears.

How great is it we got our campsite back?"

Except for when they say it, it sounds more like...

And instead of going camping,

I will also buy you one of those adorable plastic bunnies

that poops jelly beans.

Oh. Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

And lying wins again.

Uh-huh. No.

I got it. Yes. Thank you.

- What was that? - That was the social worker at the hospital.

Your aunt Florence has taken a bad turn.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but the end is nigh.

I know what you're gonna say,

but I think we should go to the hospital.

I will not. That woman was relentless with me

when I was growing up... Very critical.

She would embarrass me. You know when I stayed with her,

she would serve me boiled steak.

It was a hostile gesture.

But this is a fantastic opportunity

for you to get at what's underneath

all of that anger.

Underneath all that anger, you know what's there?

More anger. Goes down about a mile.

Then it hits a huge layer of pissed off.

I'm entitled to feel that way, Elaine.

How about this? It's on the way.

You go up to the room. You say a few words,

and then we go to the show.

If it doesn't help,

you get to set the temperature on the hot tub

for a whole month.

Whole month? A-all right, this is what I'm...

I'm gonna give her ten minutes, including parking.

But if I miss the part where Tevye dances with the butcher,

oh, it's gonna be your ass.

Okay, for tonight's stuffed animal choice,

we have monkey, tiger,

or African-American sock full of rice

you fell in love with at the farmer's market.

African-American sock full of rice, please.

Ah, excellent choice.

Mommy, there's a mean girl at school named Betsy.

She called me "stupid."

Has Betsy teased you before?

No.

Maybe she was just cranky and hungry.

That's how I get.

But you tell me if she's mean again, okay?

Okay.

She also said my hair was ugly.

What? Well, that is crazy,

because you have my hair, which is amazing,

and everyone knows it.

Guy at a gas station once offered me 500 bucks

to do something naughty with my hair

which is not something I should have told you. Forget.

Forget. Forget.

So should we tell her teacher?

No way.

Do you know what people do to a snitch?

In first grade?

It's even worse in the first grade,

'cause this will follow her all the way through school.

Natalie tattle-Lee. It's too perfect.

This is why I wanted to name her "orange."

Nothing rhymes with that.

Yeah, 'cause a kid named orange

has no problems in her future.

Okay, so holding pattern...

See what happens. Continue to monitor

the situation.

Is that a cupcake on your nightstand?

- What? - Good night.

Dr. Gordon, please call...

Hi.

Hi. We're the family.

Hi. She's been drifting in and out.

Is she currently in or out? Because we have a thing.

Attention, 3-5-1.

Out.

We were never here.

Oh, we can't leave now.

Oh, why not? She's resting.

If you're not gonna listen to me as your wife,

maybe you can respect my professional opinion

as a certified life coach.

I have a client whose anonymity I respect...

You know Marie banister, black hairdresser?

All right. I have been having

fantastic success with her using my new C.L.E.A.R. method.

It stands for "confront, let go, rejoice."

C-L-R spells "clur."

I have helped her confront her feelings.

She let 'em go, and then we rejoiced.

Listen to me. These are my real feelings.

Do you understand? Mm.

Aunt Florence has been a miserable To me.

She is the point of origin.

If you can confront these feelings,

it's gonna have such a positive effect

on all of your deep anger issues.

Just wait until she wakes up, and then you say...

"Aunt Florence, you are a miserable."

Well, that'd be pretty sweet.

Mm.

The mean girl's name is Betsy?

So played out.

I know, right? How dare she say my baby has ugly hair?

I bet her hair's all nasty and filled with snakes and rats.

Wouldn't the snakes eat the rats?

In this case, they're unlikely friends,

united by their mutual hatred of Betsy.

I tried to ignore my bully Kevin Moran.

It actually inspired him to come up

with creative new ways to unravel my life.

The locker stuffings became more humiliating,

the purple nurples more atomic.

He stole my medical chart from the nurse

and used my own allergies against me.

Oh, my God. Gregg, what a nightmare.

Well, it all evens out in the end, you know?

I manage a small gourmet market

while Kevin Moran was recently elected to congress, so...

Wait. It doesn't even out.

There is no justice,

and life is a cruel, never-ending riddle.

Natalie's school?

Thank you for coming down here to talk to me about this.

Oh, I heard it all about this Betsy stuff last night,

and just so you know, I intend to prosecute this

to the fullest extent of the law.

I'm not entirely sure what the law is.

Uh, full disclosure.

I work in a grocery store. I did not finish college.

There's something you need to know about Betsy.

Yeah, here it comes.

The sympathetic, liberal bull crap, huh?

Yeah. Betsy's emotionally disturbed.

She's being mainstreamed,

but now our daughter has to pay in blood?

Okay, there is no Betsy at this school.

I thought you said you wanted to have a conference about Betsy.

I do. Betsy does not exist. And since she does not exist,