Two and a Half Men

Oh! Brain freeze! Brain freeze!

Hang in there. It'll pass.

Going... going...

going...

Okay, okay, I'm good.

Oh! Brain freeze! Brain freeze!

I don't think "brain freeze"

is an accurate description here.

Oh, geez.

It's Mom.

Aw, great.

Who's that she's with?

I don't know,

but they haven't been dating long.

How can you tell?

He's still smiling.

All right, let's get out of here before she sees us.

How? They're standing in front of the door.

We'll go out the back.

Hey, look.

I'm a rabid dog.

Aw, damn it!

Plan B?

Bathroom.

But I don't have to pee! Go, go!

Now what, we just wait here until they leave?

Would you rather go out there

and chat with Mom and her new boyfriend?

Hey, Evelyn, get me a muffin, too.

Whew! Somebody's drinking more than coffee.

Gonna be long?

I don't know.

(Charlie and Alan continue whistling)

* And Bingo was his name-o!

All yours. Thanks.

Uh, thanks.

So, listen, when you guys are done screwing around in here,

your mother would like to talk to you.

Can I come out now?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

: Hey!

Look who's here!

It's Mom. Hey, Mom.

Oh, stop it, both of you.

I can't believe I'm such a horrible person,

you have to hide from me in public.

We weren't hiding.

Which does not invalidate your premise.

Uh, Jake had, uh, had stomach problems.

Don't put this on me.

I apologize for my children.

Oh, no problem.

Teddy Leopold.

Oh, hi. Uh, Alan.

This is my brother, my son Jake.

How you doing?

Evelyn's told me a lot of wonderful things about you boys.

Not buying it, huh?

I tried.

Teddy lives in Denver, but he does a lot of business in L.A.

So I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.

What's a pied-à-terre?

It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma."

Mom! Mom!

Oh, relax. It's not gonna scar him.

Yeah, but what about us?

Well, anyway, it was nice meeting you.

We got to bring the kid back to his mother's.

Again, you're putting it on me?

Nice to meet you, too.

Yeah. Bye-bye. See you, Mom.

Bye, Mom.

Bye.

Wait, I have to pee.

You've peed enough.

* Men...

"Teddy Leopold."

Do we know a Teddy Leopold?

That's Mom's new boyfriend.

Oh, right, of course.

Aren't you curious why he's calling?

Not particularly.

What if something happened to Mom?

Then we'll just wait for Dorothy to bring us the broom.

Give me the phone.

Hello?

Uh, no, no, this is Alan.

Hi, Teddy. What's up?

Uh-huh.

Oh...

: Wow. That is, uh, that is quite an offer

Uh, I-I'd love to.

Hang on, I'll ask him.

Uh, Teddy has invited us...

I'm busy.

Do you at least want to hear what it is? Nope.

Charlie can't make it, but can you still take me?

: Really? Gee, thanks.

I'll, uh, guess I'll see you then.

: You're gonna be sorry.

: You're gonna be homeless.

Why do you always have to play that card?

Look, Alan, I have no interest

in hanging out with Mom's boyfriend du jour.

Why not? He seems like a great guy.

He might be the greatest guy in the world,

but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had.

Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances.

No matter what, you're left standing on the curb

with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation,

waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!

Okay, this isn't about Teddy, is it?

Hey, hey, you want to be buddies with this guy, go right ahead.

I got better things to do.

Better than ringside seats

to the heavyweight championship fight

at Caesar's Palace tomorrow night?

What?

Ringside.

Ringside?

Any closer, and we'd be sitting in the spit bucket.

Should I call him back

and tell him you've changed your mind?

No, no. No.

He's just using us to get closer to Mom.

When we were kids, it was Disneyland and cotton candy.

Now it's ringside seats. And a private plane.

He's got a private plane?

And a limo

and a penthouse suite.

Still not interested?

Nope.

Still have better things to do? Yep.

: Do you realize what a stubborn child you sound like?

I do. You're not gonna give it up, are ya?

Not a chance.

: Okay, then...

good night.

Good night.

* Men...

Oh, boy!

Teddy's here!

Charlie, Teddy's here!

Oh, boy.

Hi, Al. You all packed?

Are you kidding? I packed last night.

I was too excited to sleep.

Terrific.

Where's Charlie?

Uh, out on the deck.

Give me a minute. I want to say hi.

Can I go sit in the limo?

Knock yourself out.

There's sushi.

Sushi in a car! Oh, boy!

This is your other plans?

Not all of 'em.

Later I'm gonna go inside and watch some girl-on-girl porn.

Beautiful.

Look, I still have an extra ticket to the fight,

and there's plenty of room on the plane.

No, thanks.

Did I do something to tick you off?

You know, aside from slipping it to your mother.

No, no. It's just I prefer not to get involved in her personal life.

I'm not asking you to get involved in her personal life.

I'm asking you to come to Vegas with me and see a fight.

Yeah, but why?

I don't know, you seem like a nice guy.

Don't you have your own friends?

Charlie, when you get to be my age,

most of your friends are either married or dead.

What's the difference?

The dead ones smell up my plane.

Come on, throw some clothes on, and let's go have some fun.

Eh, what the hell.

Just do me a favor.

Let's keep this between us.

I want your mother to think that I went on a business trip.

No problem.

My mother still thinks I went to college.

Beautiful.

* Men...

Hey, Charlie, you need anything?

Teddy, if I was any happier, my pants would be wet.

Hey, Teddy, uh, can we get some gelato after the fight?

Anything you want, kid.

: Gee, thanks.

Hiya.

What's up?

You know, I've, uh, I've never really been

a big fan of the pugilistic arts, but...

I have to admit, I'm getting kind of swept away in the pageantry of the event.

Uh-huh.