Inside Amy Schumer

Look at me.

If you ever feel like you aren't good enough

because you don't meet society's standards of beauty,

well, this one's for you.

You are gorgeous no matter what you do

You are perfect no matter how you act

Where my glamorous girls at?

You better accept the fact...

You're beautiful

Next up, we've got Amber.

Keep your chins held high and your empathy nonexistent.

You do you, girl.

And, if you want, I'mma do you, too.

You are gorgeous no matter what you do

You are perfect no matter how you act

Where are my glamorous girls at?

You better accept the fact...

You're beautiful

Perfect matches is filmed before a live studio audience.

Tonight on the 7:15 news, is your husband cheating on you

with a hotter woman?

Wait, what?

Are you cheating on me?

Shhh.

The Girl Scouts are comin'.

So? So, I owe 'em $2,000.

Hello, anyone there?

Oh my God.

They got in the back door.

Here... Hide under this.

When's lunch?

It's just Amy.

I thought you were a Girl Scout.

Thanks.

Going sailing?

Actually, I'm about to go take care of some business.

I'm terrified.

I think Ralphie's cheating on me.

With what, a doughnut hole?

Don't you knock?

We don't knock.

The postman always rings twice.

You look very nice, Amy.

I like your haircut.

Aren't you just supposed to deliver the mail

and not pickup lines?

Come on.

When are you going to let me take you out?

Huh?

Your breath's already doing it from there.

Candy!

Hey!

Anybody see Candy?

Ralphie, every day of his life.

Hey, uh, ease up on the fat jokes.

That's my scripted line.

You're blowing this.

Hey, are those new jeans?

I like 'em.

Oh, yeah... Thanks.

Is there a mirror in your pocket,

because I sure can see myself in 'em.

'Cause that would mean that we would have had sex.

We heard you.

No one is even listening to me.

I think Ralphie's seeing someone else.

Well, we know it's not his feet.

No.

What the (bleep) is going on today?

Hey, everybody, I just took a huge dump 'cause I'm so fat.

Ralphie, you're not that fat.

For a sperm whale.

Why? Why?

No, every joke is that he's so fat and you guys love it.

No, no, (bleep) you.

What... no.

This show is not funny.

It's disgusting.

It's a horrible depiction of an Indian man, first of all.

When is lunch?

No.

You're all sheep.

These jokes aren't funny.

You're just used to the rhythms and laughing at them!

No!

Where are you taking me?

Amy?

You look different.

Yeah, you know, I feel different.

Honey, I've got terrible news.

Are you cheating on me?

No, the toilet's broken.

I was so scared, jinga-binga-boom.

You got nothing to bow-wawow-wowow.

Dubba-lubba-dubba-chowm-chowm.

La-la-la-lala-la.

Hey, badda-boom-bop-boom.

When's lunch?

What's your favorite sitcom?

"Barney Miller." Oh, that's a classic.

Are you a 109? Almost.

Are there any sitcoms that you watch now.

My favorite TV show is "Inside Amy Schumer."

So full of shit... You've never watched an episode.

I've watched the one I was in.

Narcissist.

Excuse me.

I think my internet bill's too low.

Too low?

That's a surprise.

My wife says I'm pretty unpredictable.

No, I meant a surprise sale.

With the Mobile C family plan,

we'll give you a surprise discount once a year

as a way of saying thanks for making us

your 4G wireless hotspot provider.

I didn't expect that.

Surprise.

Cut!

Okay, fine.

Um, can we get a part in her bangs?

Just a part right there?

Hair? That was fun.

So, wha-what is that exactly... a hotspot?

It's like wifi?

Amy, great stuff.

Really great... so adorkable.

So awkward... I love it.

Steve, who is this guy...

Who are you, Steve?

Uh, I think he's just, like, a normal guy.

Yeah, that's how you're playing it.

That's the problem, Steve.

He's not a normal guy, you know?

It's not a normal day.

It's a special day.

See, he's meeting Amy, right?

Mmm. The Mobile C girl.

Mmm. Look at her, she's beautiful.

How often does this guy get to talk to a girl like this?

Right, right, got it. -Right?

Okay, great. Rolling.

So... because I have wifi in my apartment.

And action!

Excuse me, I think my internet bill's too low.

Too low?

That's a surprise.

Well, my wife says I'm pretty unpredictable.

Cut!

What are you doing?

Wh... You're flirting with her?

Well, you just said she was something else.

That take felt really good to me.

Amy, you are perfect, you are an angel and I love you.

Can we fix these bangs, please?

Does anybody here know what a goddamn bangs part looks like?

Steve, can I talk to you?

Yeah.

Have you seen these commercials, Steve?

Be honest with me.

Mobile C commercials? Any of 'em.

Car commercials... Uh, insurance...

cell phones, prescription pills, whatever. -Yeah, yeah.

In every one, you've got a girl, right?

A nice girl.

We like the girl, the girl is the company.

You can't flirt with a company, Steve.

You can't (bleep) the company.

Huh?

You don't have a shot.

Okay, you just said she's sexy.

Not sexy... She's got an oxford shirt on.

She's beautiful.

Like a picture of your mother when she was a young woman.

And, you, you're John Q. Dickhead

going into her store to say hello.

And you're lucky she even gives you the time of day,

so you want to make it last.

You make a little joke.

You share a little laugh, but the whole time

you're trying to hang onto that moment.

That moment where you, a grown man with no dick

and a child's hobbies gets to talk to the Mobile C girl

for a second before you go back

to your useless, stupid (bleep) life.

Got it.

That's how people out there see themselves, Steve.

Awkward... Uncomfortable.

Can't make eye contact.

They sit at home going click, click, click, click, click,

well, I'll guess I'll go to the store

and buy a mobile hotspot for the wifi router in my porn dungeon,

because I let my life come to this.

Huh?

Rolling!

Oh, so it's a router.

Action!

Excuse, I think my, uh, internet bill is too low.

Too low?

That's a surprise.