The Boss' Wife

Pick up for Keefer.

He didn't leave anything.

Maybe I'm supposed to go up and get it.

Some of these guys get a little weird on deposit days.

Your name?

Eddie Vitelli from the sperm bank.

Yeah?

Uh, Mr. Keefer, do you have something

For an Eddie Vitelli?

Huh? Who?

Uh, what are you here to pick up?

Mr. Keefer, you got a load of sperm for me?

I'm double-parked.

Huh?

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Remember?

From doctor's express.

You were supposed to abstain for three weeks.

Oh, yeah, yeah, right. 7:30.

Gee, I'm sorry. I was, uh, sleeping.

Look, if it's not in the cup and ready to roll,

you gonna have to bring it in yourself.

No, no, that's impossible.

Why do you think I'm sending it by messenger?

Well, let me take a wild guess.

Is it because you got a low sperm count,

You can't get your wife pregnant the regular way?

I'm, uh, I'll, look, I'll be right down, okay?

No dice. If it's not in the cup and ready to roll...

No, it's in the cup.

Yeah, it's... it's, uh, it's ready to roll.

Good. Then I'll come up and get it.

Uh, okay, yeah. Come on up.

Sterilized cups.

Hey, Janet. Janet.

Honey? Hon? No.

Honey, where are the sterilized cups?

Leave me alone, Joel.

I thought we made up.

Then why'd you sleep in there?

I fell asleep working. Today's my presentation.

Bullshit, Joel.

You slept in there so we wouldn't have to touch.

Well, we would have been in big trouble

if we had touched last night.

You could have done somethin' for me.

And risk everything?

On the very last night we have to abstain?

I'm just glad it's over.

I couldn't take much more of this.

Well, now comes the easy part.

Yeah, easy for you.

You don't have to go through the pregnancy,

the birth, the breast-feeding at the office.

Honey, where are the...

Breast-feeding at the office?

I don't want you breast-feeding anyone at the office.

Not anyone.

I'd put restrictions on who was entitled.

Or do you think I was gonna hire a goat?

No, I thought you were gonna work at home.

My publisher didn't go for it.

But she said it was okay for me to breast-feed at the office.

Well, that defeats the whole purpose.

The baby's supposed to bring us closer together.

If you think I'm gonna retire to have this baby...

I never said retire.

Look, this is the worst possible time to discuss this.

I need to know where the sterilized cups are.

Are you gonna do this now?

Yes, but I need to know where the sterilized cups are.

Let me think.

In the little bathroom.

Can I do anything for you?

I hate to give you the bum's rush, but I can't keep

The messenger waiting. What messenger?

You're sending by messenger?

I got no choice. Today is a killer day.

He's gonna be here waiting while... (DOORBELL BUZZING)

Just stall him one minute.

Stall him? How?

I don't know. One minute! Maybe less.

Oh. Is the man of the house around?

He's, um, he's in the bathroom.

I knew it. I always get the guys with the problems.

Oh, believe me, my husband does not have a problem.

So, what am I, waiting? Tell him I'm double-parked.

I really don't think that's gonna help, do you?

I'm not here to help. I'm here to bring.

Come on in.

Thank you.

He'll be with you in a minute.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I heard that one before.

And you know what happens? Niente.

Some of these guys need instructions, for cryin' out loud.

You want instructions? I tell 'em,

You take-a-your pants and your shorts

and you jack-it off.

And you know what happens? Niente.

Yeah, well, five dollars says my husband is not niente.

You serious?

What's the matter?

You afraid to put your money where your mouth is?

Whoa, whoa, wait a second.

How do I know you two don't do this all the time?

Sure, sure. Then he comes out of the head with his works in a cup.

And I'm out five bucks.

I promise you we've never done it before.

Okay. But the clock started

When you first said it, which puts us 20 seconds in.

And counting, 21, 22, 23, 24...

What is it?

Honey, the man is double-parked.

Hey, hey, what's up? She helpin'?

No fair. I can't do this now.

Niente!

He's a fruit cake or what?

Why can't you?

Because it's about as sexy as the preakness.

You said keep him busy. What was I to do?

Today is a horrendous day for me. I thought this was gonna be easier

but I'm gonna have to come by the doctor's office on my lunch break.

Just like I was tellin' your doorman.

With some guys, it's like pullin' teeth.

With other guys...

You know what I mean?

Huh, yeah. Here you go.

Maybe you two can go for double or nothing at lunch.

There's a lot of tension in here.

Want my advice? You two go someplace peaceful.

Do it on the natch.

I'm late.

Later.

Give it to Ted. Thank you.

Yes, ma'am. Yes. I'm recommending that you sell.

Mrs. Habberman, no, I don't think so.

it's Haberman. Haberman. Haberman. I'm sorry.

I want to keep this. Sorry.

I don't understand why I should sell? No.

It doesn't make sense to me.

Because their assets are vulnerable right now.

Vulnerable? Just how vulnerable?

They're, uh...

Hello? ...Very vulnerable.

What am I, small potatoes?

No, ma'am, no.

Believe me, it's not because you only have five shares.

No, you're just as important as any of my...

Well, I hope so,

Because, I don't want to be treated this way. Now, listen. Oh, my God.

I want to keep...

Mrs. Habberman, I'm gonna have to call you back.

It's Haberman!

No, no, I won't sell anything without talking to you.

Marge, Marge,

all I want to know is whether I'm invited.

If I'm not, I'm sure there's a reason.

I'd like to know the reason.

Is that so much to ask? Thank you.

Suddenly, no one knows whether this year's company weekend is on.

Frankly, I'd just as soon not go,

but if you're not invited,

it says something about your stature around here.

Harry, Harry, Chipwits is down another point.

So, you want to be an analyst?

Well, should I... should I cancel my presentation?

Big mistake. You don't cancel your first at bat.

Yeah, but I can't recommend a loser.

This isn't about Chipwits, this is about you

and what kind of impression you make on Roalvang.

Some impression.

Chipwits has dropped two-and-a-half points in two days!

You're not hearing me, friend.

Roalvang doesn't focus on numbers.

He's focused on images. How you handle yourself,

How you dress, how you comb your hair.

Speaking of which, this is all wrong.

Roalvang likes it combed flat. Flat.

Not all over the place! Take it.

Uh, I got... I got one, uh, at my desk.

Use it.

Appearance is everything to Roalvang.

But it's not going to help me if I don't recommend the right stock.

Oh, no?

Meet Tony Dugdale.

Oh, yeah, I know him. They call him Tony Terrific.

Hmm. Terrific.

He knows how to analyze stock

like Dr. Ruth can slam dunk.

He must have done somethin' right to get out of the bullpen.

He was the first to wear a colorful pocket handkerchief.

And look at the hair. Flat.

Flat.

You look skeptical.

Let me tell you something about Roalvang.

But first, let's go where we can talk.

When Roalvang's father ran the operation,

there were still people here.

Competence was the standard then.

Now, it's more important to find people without flaws.

I don't know where he finds them all.