The Distinguished Gentleman

25.000

Uh, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Your attention.

I think you all know our guests of honor today.

Our great congressman, Jeff Johnson,

and Vera Johnson, his lovely and gracious wife.

Many of you know that Jeff is now completely recovered from a triple bypass operation.

Doesn't he look great?

I never felt better.

Before I turn the floor over to the congressman, I'd like to thank my old friends,

Mr. And Mrs. Zeke Bridges, for the use of their wonderful, lovely home.

Thank you, Zeke.

Now, sirs, ladies and gentlemen,

- In the 20 years of the great... - Som-bitch!

Uh... well, seems like a host's work is never done.

- - Now, in the 20 years...

that the Honorable Jefferson Davis Johnson has been our representative in Congress...

Excuse me. Pardon me. What do you say, Pete?

- Whatever our walk of life: - Excuse me.

- Utilities, pharmaceuticals... - Pardon me. Hi, Malcolm.

One bourbon sour straight up with extra orange,

and one gibson, no onion,

and two white wine spritzers and a Lowenbrau.

Allow me to light your cigarette for you. Hold this for me, sir.

The way your hair matches your eyes, I don't know how I can control myself.

Excuse me, I'll get those drinks.

I can't believe that you're Inga. You don't look Swedish.

You're so different from your picture.

That wasn't me on the TV,

but that sure was me on the telephone.

You want me to prove it, Zeke?

You told me that you want me to tie you up and beat you with...

My God, Inga, that was on the phone.

I never thought you'd be in my house. You've got to get outta here.

But you told me you wanted me! You told me to quit my job.

And now, honey, here I am.

- Not now, waiter. Please! - Don't worry about a thing. I'll handle this. You!

Bag on the floor, hands in the air. Do it!

Sergeant Brown, vice squad, undercover operations.

- I know who you are, dirty pig! - Shut up! You're under arrest.

- My God, what's goin' on here? - Sir, you've been the target of a ruthless gang of con artists.

It all started when you called the "Girls of Many Nations" party line.

It's 1-900-phone-sex?

You put it on your credit card instead of your phone bill...

'cause you didn't want your wife to see it, right? Big mistake.

The gang used your credit card number to find out everything they could about you.

It's the gang's M.O. to wait until the victim's having a big party...

and will do anything, pay big money, to avoid embarrassment.

Embarrassment? Som-bitch!

This goes beyond embarrassment!

A hundred of my very best friends paid a thousand dollars apiece...

to have a drink with Congressman Johnson.

Not to mention the fact my wife is probably looking for me right now.

That is exactly what their evil scheme is depending on.

In fact, any second now, a huge Latino man's...

- Gonna burst in pretending he's an outraged husband. - Inga!

- What're you doin' with my wife? - Senor...

- It's okay, Alice. - My friend, rum and coke.

Don't let anyone else in, please. Thanks.

- Did he touch you? - I got your rum and coke.

There's your rum and coke, and she can drink it with you!

- - Hey, i callate la boca.

I callate la boca ahora! I ahora asi!

Now you see how they were gonna plan to con you outta your money.

But I know better, 'cause I know you're a courageous citizen.

- And I know you're gonna testify. Yes, you're gonna testify. - Oh!

- I can't testify. - Sure you can. All you've done was phone sex.

- A lot of people have done that. - He wanted me to tie him up...

and spank him with a wet garter belt.

- No, no, not me. No, no. - Excuse me.

That is between the fantasy hostess and the freak. I don't even wanna hear it.

- "Freak"? - Hey, poppy.

I got a tape in the car. Eight-track or cassette. You wanna hear it?

- No, no! No, no! Thank you very much. - Sir, please.

They're trying to intimidate you by telling you that they have an audio tape of you freaking on...

Did you think you were gonna intimidate him? You're not intimidating him.

He's going to testify, because his family may not know he's a freak,

but he's been married 20, 30 years. His wife knows he's a freak.

"Freak"? Uh, Sergeant Brown, I have to talk to you in private, please.

Mr. Bridges, I can't leave the suspects by themselves.

Well, let's, uh, lock 'em in the crapper.

Okay, come on. Move in the bathroom.

- Come on, man, move it. Come on! -

Hey, hey! Vamonos, muchachos, goddamn it!

Now you've all met my legislative assistant, Kimberly.

Kimberly and my fine staff, along with myself,

will be available to you 24 hours a day.

I'm proud to be your man in Washington.

I plan to keep goin' back as long as you keep sendin' me.

Please listen, Sergeant.

- I'm the chairman of a large, conservative insurance company. - I know that.

I know your chief, Sergeant Brown. Help me and you'll be Lieutenant Brown.

Just get these people the hell outta here quietly.

Mr. Bridges, I know these people. Okay?

If you let them go, they're just gonna blackmail you.

I don't care. What do they want?

- Goin' by their other victims, it costs like $5,000. - Okay.

That's 5,000 each, you know.

Okay.

You know there's four people in the gang.

- Twenty thousand dollars? - See, that's what I'm tellin' you.

- I think you should testify. - No, I can't.

- Please put your money away, sir. - Look, it's...

It's just that I don't have that much cash. I've only got $12,000.

- And there's four people in the gang. - Wait a minute.

- My rolex. - Oh, Mr. Bridges, no. No, no, no. Please, sir.

No, it's worth $10,000.

Oh, Mr. Bridges, I don't wanna take your watch, I don't wanna take your money.

- Besides, they don't want a watch. They want cash. - Take the damn money!

Take the watch, please! Get them outta here and get that tape.

You know this goes against my every principle.

Darlin', don't you look wonderful.

Glad to see ya. Nice to... Hey, how's that knee, huh?

- - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Inga will miss you! Bye-bye.

What are you doin'? I gotta go get the tape.

I don't want you to give them the money until I get the tape in my hand.

Come with me.

Chief!

By golly, am I glad to see you.

I'm sorry I'm late. I had an emergency.

You know Sergeant...

Where'd he go?

Sergeant Brown, the vice squad.

We don't have a vice squad.

You don't have a... Som-bitch!

Oh, waiter, where's my bourbon sour?

Oh, you must think I'm Kareem. I'm Jamal.

He stiff you on your drinks too? He fired.

Kareem! Wait right there. Kareem, where's this woman's drink? This woman's thirsty!

- I've always enjoyed the time we've spent together. - Oh, thank you.

Why don't we sit down over here?

Olaf, I'm thinking of retiring from Congress.

You can't retire. You just promised all these people you're gonna run again.

That was a political promise. You know better than to believe that.

Zeke, come here. Listen to this.

Have you all seen a waiter come through here?

No, I haven't, but, Zeke, I need your help. Hey!

- What's got into Zeke? - Damned if I know.

Listen, Jeff, you know you got the best job in the world, don't you?

You get to go hunting, fishing, skiing and golfing.

The best resorts. Then you get to call it, "official business," huh?

And, Jeff, you know there's no aphrodisiac like power.

Are you tired of having the most beautiful and intelligent women in this country?

Ah, the joy's gone out of Congress, Olaf.

No, that perks thing was the last straw.

And who needs the aggravation? Life's too short.

Yeah, well, look, Jeff. You can't retire.

If I retire this year, I get to keep $1.3 million...

that's left in my campaign fund.

It's called "the grandfather loophole."

All right, Jeff. I got it. Come here.

There's this small software company that's about to go through the roof.

Now, what you do, you buy a few thousand dollars worth of stock options.

It's gonna bring in a half a million dollars easy. That's just for openers.

Huh?

If you put it like that, I suppose I...

have a duty to continue my career in public service.

"Duty"! You're something else, Jeff.

I am definitely in the wrong business.

- Som-bitch! - Well?

- Som-bitch! - Yes!

- - I love it!

- - Ohh! Oh, Kimberly!

Oh, Congressman!

Oh, Kimberly, you're so good! Yeah!

Oh! Oh God! Oh, Oh! Oh, I got a cramp!

I got a cramp. It's okay, don't stop. Don't stop!

Oh! Yeah, yeah! Oh, God, yes, yes!

- Kimberly! Yeah! - Oh, Congressman!

- Oh, now, now! Yeah! Oh! Oh, my God! - Oh, Congressman!

Oh, my God! Oh, my...

Oh, my God!

##

It was my honor...

to serve with Jeff Johnson in Congress for a generation.

No one was a better legislator, a better husband.

We're gonna miss him. But we are grateful that his passing was peaceful.

The consummate public servant,

working late into the night at his desk.

- Thank you. - Vera?

- Let me talk to you for a minute in here. - Excuse me.

Uh, now...

I know that, uh, you're still in shock over Jeff's passing,

- But we need to talk about his seat. - We do?

I would like for you to announce that you're gonna run for Congress.

With your name, you can't lose.

Mrs. Jeff Johnson would win in a walk.

Dick, I've been a Washington wife for 20 years.

I think that's enough bullshit for one lifetime.

I'd help. I'd be running the office night and day.

I'm sure you would, dear. But I couldn't give you...

the same kind of job satisfaction Jeff gave you.

Uh-huh.

How did I end up with a thief for a grandson?

Hey! Aha! Hey, thieves steal.

I con, all right? It's different. I'm an artist.

I'm a con artist.

- Hey, look! There's the new ad. - Hey.

I am Inga. I am here from Sweden.