Two and a Half Men

I really appreciate you getting up so early

and driving me to work.

I owe you one.

You owed me one

when I didn't smother you in your crib.

Well, then, I owe you two.

My car will be out of the shop in a couple of days.

There was a terrible knock in the engine.

Like a... like a...

I kept saying, "Come in," but nobody did.

Ooh, carpool lane-- that's us.

We could... Shut up.

Right.

It's 7:00.

Where are all these damn people going?

I know, right?

I deal with that every day.

Very frustrating.

Sometimes I dream about buying a cabin in the woods

and just getting away...

I said shut up. Yes, you did.

The people going that way should just switch jobs

with the people going this way,

and everybody can leave their freaking cars in the garage.

You know, that's a... that's a hell of an idea.

Right on.

Don't patronize me.

Sorry.

Wait a minute.

How are you getting back to Malibu?

Uh, I... I was, uh...

I was hoping... No.

Charlie. Take the bus.

There's no bus from Tarzana to Malibu.

Then, take a series of buses.

And don't get stuck on having to end up in Malibu.

Charlie, come on. It...

it's just for a couple of days.

That's what Mom said

when she brought you home from the hospital.

Good one.

: You're a very funny man, Ollie.

You certainly are.

It's Laurel and Hardy.

Boy, they used to...

they used to get in some wacky jams, huh?

What about, uh... uh, Abbott and Costello?

: "Hey, Abbott!"

Or, uh... or, uh, Martin and Lewis?

: "Hey, lady, with the flavin' and the mavin' and the wow."

Three Stooges?

"Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck."

Whoa, what... why are we stopping?

Ow! Ow! Ow!

"Oh, a wise guy"... ow!

Okay, I don't mind

the good-natured brotherly punching,

but you did not have to twist my nipples.

You're lucky I didn't rip them off

and feed them to you.

Um, you know, if you...

if you really have to go to the bathroom, there's, uh...

there's one right down the hallway.

What's wrong with the one in your office?

Uh, it's not really for guests.

Neither is my house.

Um, you know, I think we're out of paper towels.

I'll wipe my hands on you.

Get out of the way.

Morning, Dr. Harper.

Morning, Melissa.

Hello, Melissa.

You rat bastard.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

Good to know.

Hi, I'm Charlie, Alan's brother.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Thought you had to tinkle. Go away.

So, how long you been working for my baby brother?

About six months.

Wow, he's been keeping you a secret

for six months?

Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute?

There's no reason to thank me

for the ride again, Alan.

Mi Mercedes, su Mercedes.

It's what brothers do

when one is vastly more fortunate than the other.

Seriously, we need to talk.

Excuse us.

Charlie, she is the best receptionist I have ever had.

I'm hoping to say the same.

Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.

Hey, you crap where I live.

So tell me about her.

There's nothing to tell.

She's a... she's a terrific employee.

She does my scheduling, my books.

My patients love her.

She keeps the whole operation running like clockwork,

and she does it all for crappy pay and no benefits.

So you're not hitting that?

No, I'm not hitting that.

And even if I were hitting that,

I wouldn't use the phrase, "hitting that."

It's a violent image for a beautiful act.

Yeah, yeah... so the coast is clear?

No, the coast is not clear.

The coast is foggy

and strewn with dangerously pointy rocks.

Can I get either of you a cup of coffee?

Sure. No.

No for both of us.

Please leave.

All right.

Bye, Melissa.

Bye, Charlie.

Hope I see you again.

Oh, you'll see me tonight

when I come back to pick up your boss.

Oh, oh, no, Charlie, Charlie,

you don't have to make that long drive.

I'll take the bus.

I thought there were no buses.

If I have to, I'll charter one.

Why don't I just give you a ride home?

Oh, that is so sweet of you.

You got a real gem here, Alan.

Tell you what, when you get him home,

there will be a cold margarita waiting for you out on my deck.

Which overlooks the ocean.

On the beach.

In Malibu.

That sounds wonderful.

It's really not: it's chilly, damp,

and covered with pelican poop.

That's why he'll never win the Malibu slogan contest.

See you tonight, Melissa.

Bye, Charlie.

Have a great day, bro.

I hate you. I hate you, too.

Gee, your brother is really cute.

As a bug.

Bathroom?

Oh, let me give you the key.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

You are a doll.

You are cute.

She's actually a doll.

I wonder if she's anatomically correct.

* Men.

Yeah.

Who's the Smurf?

The Smurf is my receptionist.

You're letting Charlie hit that?

Okay, look, first of all, that is a very ugly phrase.

And second of all, I'm not letting him.

I mean, short of drugging him

and dumping him in the woods, what can I do? Yeah.

He is like an Alabama bloodhound once he gets a whiff.

Now it's just a matter

of waiting until it blows up in my face.

And after it blows up in my face,

it will then circle around and bite me in the ass.

That's me.

No face, no ass.

Well, that's what you get

when you mix work and personal.

Which is why me and Charlie

have always kept everything strictly professional.

Yeah, yeah, I've often wondered about that.

When I first started to work here,

I laid down the law: looky, no touchy.

Yipes.

All right, I'll make you another,

but you got to promise not to chug this one.

Promise!

What a fun gal.

Charlie, do you know how hard it is

to find a decent receptionist?

Well, kudos, bro, you did a great job.

Thank you, and I-I really don't want to lose her.

Why would you lose her?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

Maybe because my brother intends

to defile and discard her like a warm melon.

A warm melon?

Nothing.

Anyway, my point is

that you're gonna leave her with bad memories

that can only be erased by removing herself

from anything that reminds her of you-- like me.

Is that what you're worried about, Bunky?

Yes, that's what I'm worried about.

What did you think I was worried about?