Iliza Shlesinger: War Paint

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

ILIZA SHLESINGER!

ALL RIGHT!

DALLAS, TEXAS!

THANK YOU.

OH.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING? THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT, Y'ALL.

FANTASTIC.

I AM SO EXCITED AND HONORED TO BE SHOOTING MY HOUR SPECIAL

IN MY HOMETOWN OF DALLAS, TEXAS.

YES, MA'AM.

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.

NOT THRILLED WITH GETTING HERE.

I HAVE TO BE HONEST.

I FLY ENOUGH THAT I FEEL I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY THIS.

IF YOU WORK FOR AN AIRLINE,

I HATE YOU.

OKAY? I HATE YOU.

AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR,

"NO, MY COUSIN SHEILA'S A REAL SWEETHEART.

SHE WORKS FOR SOUTHWEST."

FUCK YOUR COUSIN SHEILA.

ALL RIGHT, YOUR COUSIN SHEILA'S A GODDAMN BITCH.

AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE WORK FOR AIRLINES

IS BECAUSE THE NAZI PARTY IS NO LONGER HIRING.

I DON'T HAVE AN ISSUE... THANK YOU.

I DON'T HAVE AN ISSUE WITH FLYING.

MY ISSUE IS WITH THE BOARDING OF THE PLANE.

HAS ANYONE ELSE HERE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE

OF BEING STUCK IN BOARDING ZONE FOUR?

LIKE, THAT'S WHEN YOU HAVE A SEAT...

YOU HAVE A TICKET 'CAUSE YOU'RE HOLDING IT...

BUT YOU'RE SO LOW ON THE FOOD CHAIN,

IT PRETTY MUCH GOES, LIKE, FIRST-CLASS,

LUGGAGE, TERRORISTS, MAYBE YOU.

AND THEY TAKE SUCH PAINSTAKING CARE

TO BOARD ZONES ONE THROUGH THREE.

AND IF YOU DON'T FLY THAT AIRLINE OFTEN ENOUGH,

YOU ARE S.O.L. IN TERMS OF GETTING ON THAT PLANE

'CAUSE THEY ARE BOARDING GROUPS OF PEOPLE

THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW

YOU COULD APPLY TO BE PART OF.

WE'RE GONNA START BOARDING FLIGHT 556 TO DALLAS/FORT WORTH.

WE'RE GONNA START BOARDING ZONE ONE.

THESE ARE OUR FIRST-CLASS PASSENGERS,

OUR FIRST MEMBERS, OUR GOLD MEMBERS,

OUR GOLDEN SHOWER MEMBERS.

THERE YOU GO. THANK YOU, THERE YOU GO.

RIGHT THIS WAY.

OUR GOLDEN EAGLE MEMBERS, OUR EAGLE FACE MEMBERS.

IF YOU HAVE AN EAGLE FACE INSTEAD OF A PERSON FACE

'CAUSE YOU LOST YOUR FACE

IN SOME SORT OF HORRIBLE HOLIDAY TURKEY DEEP FRY ACCIDENT,

YOU DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH BUTT FAT

TO GET A NOSE GRAFTED ONTO YOUR FACE,

SO YOU HAD TO BORROW ONE FROM AN EAGLE,

SO NOW YOU HAVE A BEAK, AND YOU LIKE TO EAT MICE,

YOU CAN GET ON THE PLANE.

BOARDING ZONE TWO... THESE ARE OUR SILVER MEMBERS,

OUR SILVER STAR MEMBERS, OUR SILVER SURFER MEMBERS.

IF ANYBODY LIKES COMIC BOOKS, YOU'RE A FUCKIN' NERD.

YOU CAN SIT IN THE BACK OF THE PLANE.

SILVER HAIR, IF YOU'RE OLD, HURRY THE FUCK UP.

SILVER SPOONS, IF YOU LIKE RICKY SCHRODER, '80s TV SHOWS,

YOU WERE BORN REALLY WEALTHY, YOU CAN GET ON THE PLANE.

SILVER BULLET SUMMER... NO, MA'AM, YOU CANNOT BRING

YOUR COORS LIGHT UP IN THIS, BITCH.

BOARDING ZONE THREE.

THESE ARE OUR...

THESE ARE OUR COPPER MEMBERS, OUR COPPER STAR MEMBERS,

OUR COPPER TOPPER MEMBERS.

IS ANYBODY USING A DURACELL-OPERATED DEVICE?

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF IT'S A PACEMAKER.

YOU TURN THAT OFF FOR TAKEOFF.

COPPERHEAD.

IF YOU HAVE A COPPERHEAD SNAKE AS A PET

INSTEAD OF A NORMAL GODDAMN PET LIKE A DOG OR A CAT,

YOU'RE LIKE, "FUCK IT, I'M GONNA GET ME A SNAKE.

"YEAH, FUCK YOU, DAD. I'M NOT GOING TO LAW SCHOOL.

"I'M GONNA GO TO ART SCHOOL ONLINE

"AND LEARN HOW TO DRAW DRAGONS

"AND MANAGE A HOT TOPIC IN MY SPARE TIME.

"I LOVE MY SNAKE.

"I'M BRINGING HER TO THANKSGIVING.

"HER NAME IS JUDY. WE'RE IN SNAKE LOVE.

"I LOVE HER SO MUCH. DON'T TOUCH ME, MOM."

YOU GET ON THE PLANE.

AND BOARDING ZONE FOUR, YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.

NOW BOARDING ALL ZONES.

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME TRAVELING.

SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN HOTELS.

AND AS A RESULT OF IT, I WATCH A LOT OF TV.

AND I THINK THE SADDEST COMMERCIAL OUT THERE

HAS TO BE THE S.P.C.A. SARAH MCLACHLAN AD.

SEEN IT?

WITH THE FUCKED UP ANIMALS?

CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET ABOUT THIS COMMERCIAL?

IT KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE ALONE.

DO YOU EVER NOTICE IT ONLY COMES ON

WHEN YOU'RE BY YOURSELF, MAYBE YOU'RE DRUNK?

YOU'RE VULNERABLE, RIGHT?

AND WHAT'S CRAZY IS AT FIRST,

YES, YOU ARE SAD FOR THE ANIMALS.

BUT THE LONGER YOU WATCH IT,

THE LONGER YOUR SADNESS KIND OF BEGINS TO TURN ON YOU,

AND BY THE END OF IT, SOMEHOW,

YOU JUST FEEL REALLY BAD FOR YOURSELF?

YOU'RE SITTING THERE, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

THERE'S... THAT CAT DOESN'T HAVE A FACE."

I DON'T KNOW. "I'M SO SAD.

"I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM.

"AND I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIS CAT FAMILY.

AND I FEEL SO BAD FOR... ME."

"OH, GOD. WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

"WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I SHOULD... I SHOULD... I SHOULD GET A CAT."

SO YOU GET A CAT.

BUT BECAUSE HE'S FROM THE S.P.C.A.,

LIKE, LET'S BE HONEST, HE'S ALL, LIKE, FUCKED UP AND AUTISTIC.

JUST SHITS EVERYWHERE.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. WHAT DID YOU EAT?"

GOES THROUGH YOUR STUFF.

HE ONLY EATS THE BUTTONS OFF YOUR GOOD SWEATERS.

YOU'RE LIKE, "HOW DID YOU KNOW TO GO TO FOR THE GOOD SWEATERS?

"WHY DIDN'T YOU GO FOR THE CRAPPY SWEATERS?

WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH EXQUISITE TASTE?"

GOTTA GET RID OF HIM 'CAUSE HE'S RUINING EVERYTHING.

BUT WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU CAN'T KILL HIM BECAUSE...

BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING INSANE, I GUESS.

BUT YOU GOTTA GET RID OF HIM. SO WHAT DO YOU DO?

I'M GONNA TELL YOU.

YOU PUT KITTY IN THE CAR.

YOU DRIVE HIM TO A NEIGHBORHOOD HE DOESN'T KNOW.

YOU LET HIM OUT OF THE CAR.

DON'T WORRY.

THE S.P.C.A. WILL FIND THAT CAT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED.

THEY'RE IN THE BUSINESS OF SECONDHAND CATTERY.

THEY FIND THE CAT. THEY CLEAN HIM OFF.

THEY UPDATE HIS RESUME.

HE GETS A JOB MANAGING, LIKE, A CHIPOTLE.

HE'S FINE, ALL RIGHT?

SO IN HONOR OF THAT COMMERCIAL,

I HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU GUYS.

THIS IS MY CAT.

THIS IS MY DOG BLANCHE, AND I ADOPTED HER.

AND SOMETIMES WHEN YOU ADOPT AN ANIMAL,

YOU DON'T KNOW THEIR BACK STORY.

SO FOR BLANCHE, I MADE ONE UP.

IN MY HOUSE, WE PRETEND THAT BLANCHE

USED TO BE A DOG PROSTITUTE...

WHICH MAKES SENSE, BECAUSE AS YOU CAN TELL,

SHE'S A LITTLE SAD BEHIND THE EYES...

BUT SHE CLEARLY HAS NO PROBLEM

WITH YOU STARING AT HER DOG VAGINA.

MAKE IT RAIN.

SHAKE IT FOR THE MONEY.

SO IN HONOR OF THAT COMMERCIAL, SHE AND I ARE NOW GOING TO DO

OUR RENDITION OF IT FOR YOU.

HERE WE GO.

IN THE ARMS

OF THE ANGEL,

FAR AWAY

FROM HERE,

IN THIS DARK, COLD HOTEL ROOM,

AND THE END,

DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH

YOU WERE PULLED...

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT FOR BLANCHE.

LET'S GET SERIOUS.

MY DOG IS SO CUTE, I WANT TO HURT HER.

DO YOU EVER GET THAT WAY?

WHEN SOMETHING IS SO CUTE, IT MAKES YOU ANGRY.

I JUST WANT TO RIP ITS NOSE AND...

YOU EVER GET THAT WAY WHEN SOMETHING IS SO CUTE,

YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TRUST YOURSELF AROUND IT?

I USED TO GET THAT WAY WITH MY NANA.

SHE'S, LIKE, THIS TALL, AND YOU EVER HUG

YOUR GRANDPARENT, AND YOU'RE, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,

I JUST WANNA PUSH YOU DOWN THE STAIRS."

YOU EVER FEEL THAT WAY?

YOU EVER FEEL THE URGE, JUST, "WHAT IF I JUST..."

"JUST FEEL LIKE..."

HYPOTHETICALLY.

SOMETIMES, I GET THAT WAY AROUND GARBAGE DISPOSALS.

YOU EVER JUST PUT YOUR HAND IN JUST TO FEEL THE... FEEL THE FEAR?

YOU REACH THE OTHER HAND OVER.

YOU DON'T TOUCH THE SWITCH, BUT YOU HOVER AROUND IT?

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT IF I JUST..."

"NO!"