M*A*S*H

Just hang on to your long johns, Lieutenant.

We people in combat appreciate

how rough it is back there at Headquarters Company‐‐

bulletins flying in every direction

officers blowing up in your face.

Problem here is, we're breaking in a new man,

and he's not quite up to snuff yet.

Now you'll start getting your morning reports pronto.

Klinger!

Klinger, we gotta talk.

Oh, not now, sir. Very busy, sir.

‐Now, Klinger. ‐Mail call, sir.

Neither rain nor snow nor dark of night

shall stay this courier from his appointed rounds.

How would you like to be making your rounds

with a potato peeler for the rest of this war?

Threats are another story, sir.

I just got off the horn with I‐Corps.

You know how fussy they are?

They actually expect to see morning reports every morning.

Say it would be a real boost for their morale

if they got one from us once in a while.

Just tell 'em unless they hear any different,

assume everything's okay.

You know, no news is good news.

Do 'em, Klinger, on time, every day. That's an order!

Sir, am I to take it from your tone

you're dissatisfied with the way I'm performing my duties?

I can't tell you that until I see you perform one.

You've been company clerk for two weeks now.

So far you've handled the job with all the efficiency

of a one‐legged man at a butt‐kicking contest!

I'm doing the best I can, sir.

I was afraid of that.

Maybe this responsibility's too much for you.

No sin in owning up to that. We can't all be Radars.

And obviously we can't all be sensitive to underlings, either.

Now, if you're through insulting me, sir, I have mail to deliver.

Potter, S. I need a "Yo," sir. Efficiency, you know?

Yo!

‐Potter, S. ‐Yo!

And Potter S.

Go!

Close enough, sir.

Mail call.

‐Houlihan, M. ‐Give me that.

Whatever happened to good old‐fashioned military courtesy?

Klinger, this morning I asked Colonel Potter

about my two new nurses.

He said, "What two new nurses?"

I said, "The two new nurses on my personnel requisition."

He said, "What requisition?" And I said, "The requisition

"you obviously never got from Klinger,

your new company cluck."

"Company cluck"?

That's a low blow, Major.

There's a perfectly logical reason why

Colonel Potter hasn't seen those requisitions.

What is it?

I lost them!

You want mail?

Get it yourself. You too.

Ah, the postman always sneers twice.

I'll do it, Klinger. You must be worn out,

carrying that grudge around all day.

Pierce! Here. Pierce! Here.

‐Hunnicutt! ‐Present.

Sorry, no present. Just a letter from home.

Ah, ha, ha! You were wrong about the present.

Erin sent me another cookie.

Klinger, feel around in your bag for a wet letter.

She must have sent milk.

Klinger‐‐ (chuckles)

Thought I'd find you here.

‐It's mail call, sir. ‐Yes, I know.

I just found mine outside on the ground!

Okay, so I dropped it!

Maybe it's a suicide note, and it jumped out by itself.

It astounds me, Klinger. It truly does, that you are still company clerk.

I'd have thought that by now Colonel Potter would have replaced you

with a higher form of plant life.

Don't listen to him, Klinger. We love you.

Especially in the spring, when you bloom.

His predecessor, Corporal O'Reilly, was no Aristotle,

but compared to this oaf,

he was a veritable Phi Beta Kappa.

Who's an oaf? And what's a "Phi Beta Kapper"?

I rest my case.

Hey, guys, listen to this.

Peg says the meeting with Radar went just as we planned.

"Erin and I went to the airport,

"and we spent two or three hours with him.

"He sure is a cute little guy, and so nice.

"Sweetheart, it was really funny.

"When Erin first saw Radar in his uniform,

she ran up to him and said, 'Hi, Daddy'."

Out of the mouths of babes comes drollery.

Come on. What else did she say?

Uh, she just goes on with some other stuff.

Who cares anyway? Radar. Radar. Radar.

Even from somebody 10,000 miles away.

That's all I hear about!

What's it look like out there, Padre?

Much of a line waiting to get in?

Oh, just a few, Colonel. Thank the Lord,

business wasn't particularly brisk today.

It's this location. I told you we needed a better corner.

Apparently it was just a minor skirmish.

Funny, they don't look skirmish.

I didn't even know Skirmia was in the war. Did you, Beej?

I'll need some more retraction, Margaret.

Father, can you help us, please?

Oh, coming up.

I requisitioned more nurses, but we don't have them yet.

If you're sending out for nurses, order me one. With everything, to go.

I'd rather send out for a new company clerk.

The clown we have is the reason we don't have the nurses.

Now, Major, Klinger isn't making my life

a bed of petunias, either.

Let's just be a little patient.

I agree with Major Houlihan, Colonel.

There must be at least a dozen candidates

who could handle the job better than Klinger.

One springs to mind immediately‐‐

my pet mastiff Bruno.

I think you people are being very unkind to Corporal Klinger.

Oh, it isn't Klinger so much, Padre.

We all got used to the way Radar handled things.

Well, that sews it up. Oh, Corpsman, take a litter.

Hey, we heard from Radar. Or about him, anyway.

Peg Hunnicutt saw him in San Francisco.

What'd she say in her letter, Beej?

Uh, nothing, really.

She met the boy's plane? How was he feeling?

How'd he look? What'd she say about him?

He got to San Francisco.

He saw my wife and kid for a couple of hours.

‐That's it? ‐Boy, Beej,

you sure know how to tell a story.

What a spellbinder.

What's to tell? It's no big deal.

How do you like this? I give the kid the spotlight.

I give him a chance to be a big star in show business,

and look what happens.

I wouldn't be surprised

if even the patients walked out on you.

Three‐oh silk, Margaret.

There. Now that's more like it.

Doctor, this one just came in. Looks bad.

All right. Let's get to work. This kid is lucky.

If he got here any later, I'd have had to start the operation without him.

Do you want more, sir?

No, I've got enough.

I'm really hungry, Igor.

Slice me off another hunk of that soup, will ya?

About the only thing you haven't lost is your appetite.

If you're referring to your personnel requisition, Major,

I filled out another one.

Oh? Huh.

How did you manage to find a typewriter?

Oh, out of my way, Corporal.

Is that so?

Huh! That rapier‐like wit.

I've heard snappier comebacks from a bowl of Rice Krispies.

First I'm a plant, now I'm breakfast food. What's next?

Well, you're crude and unrefined. How about petroleum?

That does it. I've had enough.

I'm gonna sit at a table where I'll be appreciated.

There's an empty one over there.

Is that so?

Please. Don't you people think enough's enough?

You have to stop picking on poor Klinger.

He's doing what he can under very trying circumstances.

Well, Father, he has done one thing remarkably well.

He's made me realize what a little gem Radar was.

Radar. Radar. Radar. Klinger's right.

Doesn't anybody talk about anything else?

Even Peg. "Radar was here."

"Radar's so cute." "Erin loves Radar."

I'm getting sick of hearing the name.

B.J., the young man did mean quite a lot to us.

Well, he's gone now. Can't we forget about him?

He's home, seeing his family‐‐ and other people's families.

It's not like he was dead. He's better off than we are.

Whatever happened to our cheery evening meals?

How's Anderson doing, doctor?

Better. Lucky we got him when we did.

He made it to O. R. just before closing time.

Good evening, Lieutenant.

Time for the changing of the guard.

Pierce, I have come to relieve you.

I'm sure the patients will be relieved as well.

‐The man's a regular Mayo Brother. ‐(chuckles)

Anything in particular I should know?

Just Anderson here.

He's lost a lot of blood, but he's stable now.

Keep an eye on him, Baker.

Any problems, call me right away.

I'll be in conference with my pillow.

Only if you can avoid your bunkmate Hunnicutt,