Mike & Molly

Tomorrow night, I'm showing up

at Christina's house with a dozen red roses

and a box of fine Belgian chocolate.

My lady don't care for no American chocolate.

I can relate... I'm the same way with taffy.

After I went to Atlantic City, I became a bit of a taffy snob.

What are you talking about?

I've seen you eat plenty of crappy taffy.

Yeah, but I don't enjoy it.

Anyway, after that, I'm taking her out to dinner.

Five courses, each paired with its own special wine,

hand-picked by the in-house sommelier.

That's French for "picker of the wine."

Wow, sounds like you're really going all out.

Hey, it's our first Valentine's Day together.

Can't just drive through a Taco Bell

or take her bowling.

No, I get it. I went through

the same thing last year, man.

Candy, jewelry, carriage ride.

Boy, I'm glad all that romantic crap is behind me.

You're at least gonna take her out

for dinner, though, aren't you?

She said she didn't want to do anything.

No woman wants to cook on Valentine's Day.

And every restaurant is booked solid.

Unless it's got a guy out front

dressed as a hoagie and spinning an arrow.

She said not to make a big deal out of it.

I'm just following orders.

Mm, that's what they said at Custer's last stand,

right before they got their dumb white asses tomahawked.

No, Molly's not like that.

When she wants something, she tells me,

sometimes two or three times until it really sinks in.

Yeah, let me explain this to you in a way you might understand.

You know how when I go to get a milk shake,

and I ask you if you want one and you say no?

-Uh-huh. -Well, if I listen to you

and I don't come back with your own milk shake,

you get all pouty and mad.

Well, we've been together a long time,

and I don't think I should have to ask.

And that's why I always buy two milk shakes.

Otherwise, I'm gonna have to get another straw

and share mine with you, and that's a race I cannot win.

Egg whites with wheat toast.

Denver omelet with hash browns.

Oh, hash browns.

And that's why Carl ordered the second plate.

Now, let me ask you, how would you feel right now

if I didn't order you those hash browns?

Uh-oh.

In 24 hours, you and I are gonna be screwed

in two completely different ways.

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love.

Okay, then how about something like this.

I'm dressed as Venus, the goddess of love,

and you're suspended over me

like a bare-assed little Cupid.

Look, I'll play along with this Valentine boudoir shot,

but I am not dropping trou.

What are you worried about?!

It's just a sexy little keepsake for the two of us.

These things always end up on the Internet,

and I don't want my precious mother

to accidentally Google my shvantz.

- Come on, how would that ever happen? - Easy.

That old lady's on the computer all day googling shvantzes.

Eventually, my number'll pop up.

You know what, I'm rethinking the turkey franks.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, sweetie. Hey. Hey.

- Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.

By the way, you're not hanging your nudie pics in the house.

Oh. Of course not.

We can still get the T-shirts and coffee mugs.

- What's up? - I just want to make sure

we're still on the same page with Valentine's Day.

Now, you said to me, and I quote,

"Don't make a big deal of it."

And I meant it... you went all out last year.

Plus we're saving for a wedding... let's just go low-key.

- Ah, good. I was just double-checking. - Seriously,

- no bouquets, no baubles. - You got it.

Just a, you know, a simple dinner out.

Right.

Out of the house?

Of course. I mean, I can't have my lady

cooking on Valentine's Day.

No, you cannot.

And don't go too expensive... st somewhere where, you know,

the spoon and the fork are two separate things.

Of course. I mean, what was I gonna do,

take you to Taco Bell and bowling?

You wouldn't like that.

Would you?

No, I would not.

I'd kill you.

Yeah.

Last night I'm trying to watch TV,

and Grandma walks in front of me, like, half a dozen times,

carrying my laundry back and forth.

And you know how slow she walks.

I missed half the game.

It's a testament to your character

that you're so patient with her.

What can I do? She's an old woman.

I mean, she can't even shovel the driveway

without me showing her where she missed a spot.

She's lucky to have you, Carl.

You're a good grandson.

But why wouldn't you be?

You're a great cop and a wonderful friend.

What's going on with you?

What do you mean?

Nah, you've been shamelessly kissing my ass all morning.

- I'm just calling 'em like I see 'em. - Uh-huh. Then

how come you never seen 'em this way

in all these years I known you?

Jealousy.

You're a handsome man, and it can be intimidating.

Oh, no, something smells rotten in here,

and it's not just your feet and pits.

All right. Molly wants to go out to dinner tonight,

and every nice place is booked.

- See? I told you this would happen. - I know, you were right!

You're always right!

You're the smartest guy I know.

Wise and generous...

Oh, no! No! I see where you're going with this.

You're trying to piggyback on my plans with Christina!

Come on, you already got a table... just scooch in and add

- a couple of more chairs. - I ain't scooching in anywhere!

You better grab your bowling ball

and make a run for the border!

Come on, Carl!

You're not horning in on my night.

Besides, it's too late to change the reservation even if I wanted to.

Not according to the maitre d'.

You called the restaurant?

No, I drove over there last night

and slipped him a 50 wrapped in a clergy parking pass.

You sneaky bastard! You know how I am!

You should've seen this coming and made it a table for four in the first place!

You got no one to blame but yourself!

Get your straw out of my milk shake!

Thanks for doing this, Harry.

Mike's been hinting around for one of these

universal remotes for a long time.

He's gonna love this gadget.

I can program it to control the TV, DVD player,

lights and ceiling fan.

Geez, if it came with a set of boobs,

Mike wouldn't need me.

If it came with a set of boobs,

I'd still be out in my car right now.

Hey, Mol. Hi, Mike.

That's not Mike.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I just saw a chubby hand holding a remote.

Victoria...

Uh... listen, I've got to get ready.

Are you gonna be okay here?

Oh, absolutely. I'm on the case.

Soon Mike will have the world of entertainment at his fingertips.

Thanks for helping me make this a special Valentine's for him.

Yeah, anything I can do to help blow wind in the sails of love.

Sweet kid.

Are you talking to me?

No.

Come on, man, you're gonna make us late.

Well, all the flowers left are crap!

You should've thought about this a month ago when

she told you she didn't want you to do anything.

What about your flowers?

Why can't you just split 'em with me?

I'm not giving my girlfriend

a half a dozen red roses... I'll look stupid.

Hey, I'll do it, too... then we'll both look stupid.

two guys splitting a dozen roses!

That's not funny at all!

All right, how about this?

I will pay you...

$20 cash money for one r

Oh, I see... one red rose, so you come off as simple and elegant,

and I'm the jackass handing my girlfriend 11 flowers!

Why are you making this harder than it is?

I mean, if she's a flower counter,

maybe she's not the gal for you anyway.

Fine! After all the favors

I've done for you, you can't help me out

this one time? One time?

Are you forgetting last Tuesday, when you split your pants

and then asked me to color your underwear with a black Sharpie?

I didn't ask you to do that.

Well, somebody must have, 'cause I sure as hell

didn't volunteer for crack detail.

Man, add some baby's breath to it, pull that thing together.