Defending the Guilty

The time is 6:10.

Barristers, valiant public defenders, or a waste of taxpayers' money?

The Government seems to have taken a view.

Try this one.

One critic accuses its legal aid plans

of "cutting justice for all as if it were chips for dinner."

That critic is Ashley Jeevaratnam,

barrister and blogger, and he joins us now.

Mr Jeevaratnam, good morning.

So, how should barristers be paid?

Well, this is a very serious matter.

Crap!

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Ahh...

Caroline, it's a fit-up.

Now, don't get me wrong, I hated Hassan.

I could have done it. I wanted to do it.

Yeah, you also said you'd do it.

Barman overheard you talking to Johnny Rhino in the pub.

Yeah... I was angry.

Said I'd smash Hassan's head in with a hammer.

And two hours later, he's in a coma, head bashed in with a wrench.

There's a difference. Can't you use that?

Look, it was hard talk! Ask Johnny.

We sat and watched The Apprentice together later.

I'd calmed right down.

Sorry. Morning, sorry I'm late, I got held up at security.

Mike, this is Will, my hot young pupil.

Hey, Mike, been reading your brief... Great stuff!

Thanks for that, Will.

We'll put that on the back under the quote from Stephen Fry.

Mummy wants her croissant!

Fuck, I love pastry!

Are you going to be a barrister, then?

Oh, yeah, fingers crossed.

I'm actually only three months in and there are four of us

and Chambers are only going to give us one place.

So, it's actually kind of scary.

Yeah? Tough breaks, eh?

Right, let's see. OK. So, witness hears you in The Stag,

Hassan gets battered,

police turn up at your gaff,

and find a wrench with his blood on.

Mike, I want to get you off,

but we've got fewer defence points than I have viable eggs.

So, tell me something that helps.

Did you get any frozen?

Case-related. Not egg-related.

Oh.

Um... I might actually have something.

OK.

So, the police had everything around Hassan's body analysed.

But he actually crawled to where he was found.

He was hit here by the table.

And on the table were some of these things.

Worry beads.

Now, these are not Hassan's, but the police never had them analysed.

So, what I'm thinking is, we get the police to analyse the beads,

we find the real killer,

we get you home, Mike.

Away from this whole ordeal.

Yeah.

Maybe don't get those analysed.

They actually sort of look like my worry beads.

I had 'em stolen recently. They might have my prints on.

Look, I realise this complicates things.

OK. We offer a deal.

They drop the big charge, we admit to grievous bodily harm.

Plead to GBH?

Yeah, I mean...

..I might have wanted to hurt him,

but I didn't want to murder him.

You said you were nowhere near him.

It's either/or, innit?

Wow. He is very guilty.

Yes, well, that's the thing about being a criminal barrister, Will.

You do meet criminals.

Yeah, it's such a waste of resources.

All those innocent people out there. Where?

Out there? Aren't there?

I'll take your word for it.

Now, baby boy, I have crucial business for you.

I left my laptop charger in Chambers.

I need you to fetch it for me, please.

From Chambers? That'll take hours.

Well, it needs doing, Will. Mummy needs her power.

Actually, do you mind not calling yourself Mummy?

It's just... it is a little weird.

But Mummy wants to call herself Mummy.

OK. Well, fine, then.

Hey! There you are.

I'd almost forgotten what you sounded like.

How's it going? Oh, knackered.

I was up working till 2:00am

and now Caroline's got me travelling halfway across town.

OK. So, you're running a lot of errands.

You knew it was going to be like this.

Yeah. Yeah, it's fine.

I'm 29 and my job is fetching chargers and pastry.

Whoa! Sorry!

At this conference, we're talking about famine and refugee camps

in South Sudan.

What were you saying about your job?

I'm saying it's the worst. Poor me.

This is worse than any other human is experiencing at the moment.

Remember, this is what you wanted.

You know, making a difference, helping people in need.

Yeah, I am helping people in need mostly, I guess.

Although today, we've got this absolute murderer...

I'm sorry, I've got to go.

Save it. OK.

OK. Bye, love you. Alright, bye!

Love you t...

Hey, Will.

The junior tenants did odds on which one of us will get tenancy.

I'm Hot Robot!

Sorry, Pia. That's so objectifying.

What? Oh, yes. Feminism.

So if Danielle is Angry Chav, then I'm guessing I'm...

DJ Stupid.

I guess because of the headphones?

And the nodding?

You know that nodding you do, that really annoying nodding?

The DJ himself. Wills. Shouldn't you be in Harringay?

Oh, I just had to pop back. Urgent business for Caroline.

Seen the Deathball, then. Yeah!

Just a little joke, isn't it? Just a bit of fun.

Yeah. It's just a bit of fun.

What's that? What's what?

That! Huge brief in your hands. Oh, this!

It's just a massive organised crime case for Miles.

Two gangland bosses. Four-year sting. Multiple CHISes.

Oh, sorry. CHIS means...

Covert Intel Source. A paid grass, thank you, Liam.

Liam says it sounds like "jizz"!

Well, I mean, objectively it does sound like "jizz".

So, what, the head of chambers just gave you this huge case, did he?

Oh...

I guess it must be hard for you and Danielle.

Because if we get all the best jobs now,

how are you ever going to overtake us?

It's a cruel system.

We go up and up, while you go round and down ad infi-shite-um.

Liam, you have seen that your nickname is Lanky Poison Twat?

Seen it? Reclaimed it. Made it a badge of pride.

Call me LPT.

Hey, Danielle! Alright?

Will, I'm headed to court. You can come with if you like.

Fuck off, Liam. I didn't say anything.

Yeah, well, keep it that way.

Sitting there smirking like you shat somewhere secret.

Good to go? Yeah.

"Angry Chav"?

Wankers!

My boyfriend Dave remortgaged his house so I could go to law school.

Made dumping him really hard.

Now, I'm losing to Law Barbie and that human lube-stick.

At least you're not last. Alright, make it about you.

I work constantly. I fetch a fuckload of coffee.

Plus, my pupil-master's the biggest prick!

Ashley does this thing where he says something is not something

and it's, like, automatically funny.

He'll be like, "This meal is not uncold,"

or "This evidence is not undamning."

I find it not un-fucking-annoying.

Caroline's OK. We get on fine.

You can't get on that fine.

You're losing at Deathball. Caroline's your pupil-master.

Who do you think tipped off the other tenants?

One charger.

Got your post as well.

Ooh.

Becca, hey!

Mr Packham, one of our junior tenants got delayed.

We've got a youth being sentenced for a street robbery

and I need you to hold her hand until he turns up.

Aah, sorry, Becca. It's just, I think Caroline needs me.

Caroline doesn't need you. I don't need you.

You don't need me? Nope.

OK.

Well, just send me the details and I'll take care of it. Cheers.