Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Cluck, cluck! Gobble, gobble!

Guess who just came from

the P.S. 321 Thanksgiving Parade?

Charles, you actually might...

- Who's Charles? I'm Tommy Gobbler.

And I'm stuffed with Thanksgiving happiness!

Gobble, gobble!

Seriously, Charles...

Uh-uh, I warned you!

I'm Tommy Gobbler,

you silly pilgrim.

Okay, Tommy Gobbler.

There you go!

These are the Davidsons.

They want to know what happened

to their missing grandmother.

- I have some deeply tragic news for you.

Listen up.

Diaz and I are going to Rikers

to interview a guy we think has info

on the Douglass Street murders.

Also, IT says the internet is down.

What? No!

I had just clicked a link that said

Balloon Boy grew up hot.

Now I will never see those pictures.

- Can't you just use the internet on your phone?

- Bitch, you know I'm out of data.

Jake,

can I speak to you for a minute?

In private.

Ooh, someone's in trouble.

It's me. I don't know why I did that.

- So Sharon'll be here in an hour.

We're driving up to the Berkshires to spend

one last weekend alone

before the baby comes.

- Yeah! Somebody's gonna get it!

She's 37 weeks pregnant, man.

We're gonna eat pie in bed.

Oh, yeah.

I just wanted to ask:

If Sharon gets here before I'm back from Rikers,

can you make sure she's comfortable?

And also, um...

Keep Captain Holt away from her.

Really? Why?

He's always weird around her

and it stresses her out.

She says he reminds her of those

judgmental trees from "Lord of the Rings."

- They're called "Ents."

Get a life, dweeb.

- I don't care. - Okay.

Can you handle it?

Yes, I can totally handle it.

I will take care of Sharon.

As long as she's carrying

my godchild inside of her,

I am her god-husband.

She is my god-wife.

And I will god-love her forever.

Come on, man.

Don't say stuff like that.

- Which part? All of it?

I'm gonna assume it's all of it,

and just make my exeunt.

Okay. Don't hurt me.

Happy Thanksgiving, sir.

This year, I'm more thankful than ever

to have you as my Captain.

- And I'm thankful for the low price of gasoline.

- And I'm thankful for the friendship...

- I think there's been a misunderstanding.

There's no time for everyone to have a turn.

- But I'm the only one that didn't get to...

Boyle.

Now, with the internet being down,

we'll have to do all the paperwork by hand.

Would you two be okay with staying late tonight?

- Well, I was gonna slow-cook a goose,

but I guess I could normal cook her.

Great.

The bullpen is getting overcrowded,

and I don't want the situation to deteriorate.

I'm sorry if this ruins your holiday.

Nonsense.

I'm thankful that you trust us

with such an important task.

- And I am thankful to have such a dedicated employee.

- And I'm thankful... - Dismissed.

Yep.

Hey, Gina.

I need a top secret favor.

Sharon is coming to the precinct

and I need your help.

- Uh, it better not be pregnancy-related,

'cause that crap is nasty.

The miracle of life?

Dress it up however you want,

that's some disgusting animal kingdom nonsense.

- Okay, don't worry about Sharon.

I'll take care of her.

I've got everything she needs.

Pillow, blanket,

copy of "Breast-Feeders" magazine...

Which, now that I say it out loud,

sounds like porn.

Yep, it is.

So what do you need me for?

- Keeping Captain Holt away from her.

Terry says he gets very awkward near Sharon.

- Hmm. That's one way to put it.

- Ah, Sharon. Nice to see you.

You look so big. Like a mighty truck.

- I can help you avoid Captain Holt.

I'll keep you appraised of his location

at all times.

- Gina. Peralta. - He's behind me.

Yeah.

- I love paperwork, but this is crazy.

There isn't even time to savor it.

Charles, you're going so fast.

I don't have a choice.

We can't let this place fill up with perps.

Yeah, but you're gonna cramp.

- Are you kidding, baby?

I've been cramping for the past 20 minutes.

- I'm so attracted to you right now.

Sharon.

Mrs. Sarge, how are you?

Very pregnant.

Is Terry back yet?

- Not yet, but he will be back any minute,

and in the meantime, I will take great care

of my godchild and my god-wife.

Oh, yes.

Terry did tell me that you might be

calling me that.

- Aww. You guys talk about me?

Sharon!

Hello.

- Oh. Raymond. Hi.

Um, Captain, I need you to

sign this here and here.

Excuse me, everyone.

We got to keep this area clear.

If you could all proceed in a wall-like fashion

to the briefing room.

- Oh, oh, oh... - That's it.

- Also, right here. - Human blockade style.

And here, and here, and here.

Uh, give me one second, Gina,

I just want to say hi to Sharon.

Just, um...

Sharon is gone.

Gina?

Is also gone.

Well, Sharon is happy,

and Captain Holt has no idea where she is.

- Damn, we are good at stashing pregnant ladies.

Guys?

My water just broke.

Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one.

Oh, you mean your body water!

That's much worse.

Okay, Terry.

I love you. Just hurry back.

I love you too, baby.

Put Jake on, okay?

Hey there, Sarge.

Everything is totally under control.

As you know, her water broke

and she's had a couple of contractions.

And... hey, Sharon,

how are you doing vaginally?

What?

Don't ask her that! - Okay.

Jake, all you have to do

is keep her comfortable.

I'm on my way. - Okay, sounds good.

And do you want to just meet us at the hospital or...

Both: No hospital!

- Okay. Got it. Got it.

Cool, cool, cool. No hospital.

I am picking up what you're screaming down.

We had a terrible experience

when Cagney and Lacey were born.

- Last time we went to the hospital,

they pushed me to have a C-section,

didn't have enough rooms,

and the anesthesiologist was a med student

who stabbed me in the spinal cord

ten times before he got it right!

- See? Needles in your spine?

Childbirth is a horror movie.

That is not helping.

Jake, there's a copy of our

birth plan on my desk.

Call the doula. - Copy that.