Sarah Silverman: PostMortem

This is the lowest my voice goes.

Oh my gosh, Ali Wong.

Jerry.

My parents?

Ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between.

- It's time to introduce my former lover. - Oh, Tina and Amy.

- Yeah, that makes more sense. - Oops, how did that slip out?

Please put your hands together for your pal and mine, Sarah Silverman.

Thank you. Aw.

Wow. Uh, wow!

I accept.

If this doesn't bookend with that, it's… it will be a failure. But…

I'm concerned you're setting yourselves up for disappointment.

But I'm so happy that you're here,

and I'm so happy to be here in New York City…

Ah!

…at the Beacon Theatre.

And I… This is actually the middle of my tour.

And, uh, I've come to really love being on the road, especially now.

You know, just, one,

because I really love connecting with audiences,

you know, now more than ever.

And, two, because I've really become a, a…

A real hotel slut.

I, um…

I just love when a hotel is really nice.

You know how… You know how you can tell if a hotel is fancy?

If you come back to your room

and where you left off in your toilet paper

has been folded in a perfect triangle.

I mean, there's just, I mean, nothing more luxurious than, um,

knowing that a stranger's fingers…

Uh…

…have handled

something that you will press to your asshole at some point for sure.

Mm!

It really is how the other half lives.

And, um…

I've been with my boyfriend… …Rory, for five years.

I should be able to say his name better, but it's ridiculous.

Rory. Rory.

But, you know, it's enough time that we do things to jazz things up a little.

Like, uh, lately I've taken to jerking him off

with my non-dominant hand.

Which is great, you know,

'cause it feels like someone else is doing it.

And, uh…

I was actually a little bit proud of myself when I thought of that joke.

And Rory was sleeping next to me, and I woke him up and told it to him.

He goes, "Yeah, that's good. You know what we call that?"

The Stranger.

"The Stranger."

Everybody knows but me.

I had never heard that before.

And, you know, it's just crazy because I always feel like, um,

women, in general, are more familiar with, uh, the experience of a man.

We need to see the world through a male lens

in order to just survive.

Men don't need to do that, but, um… Yeah, this one got by me.

"The Stranger."

I love it. He goes, "Yeah, like, uh, I'll use my left hand,

or sometimes I… I'll sit on my hand to numb it up a little."

I mean, swoon.

And, well, I think this is normal, like…

We'll do things with sex, like we'll start talking fantasy talk

sometimes during sex, like…

One time, we were fooling around, and this just came out of my mouth.

I-I didn't plan it.

And I go, "You just showed up at my summer camp."

And even he was like…

But he saved it.

He goes, uh, "But you, like, own the camp, right?"

I go, "Yeah. Yes."

"I own the camp. Yes."

Uh, oh, another time, I was on top of him…

What, do I go side to side?

I… Whatever.

The position doesn't even matter, but we were doing it.

And then he goes, he's like,

"This is so crazy. Like, I don't even know your last name."

And, you know, I'm playing along, and I said, um,

"It's Hitler."

And…

He came immediately, which was…

…a little disconcerting.

Right here. Right between my…

…my upper lip and my nose bottom.

Oh, my dad and my stepmom Janice

both died last May, nine days apart.

And… Oh, that one needs work.

Um…

But they really did,

and, uh, I was really close with both of them.

And my dad was my best friend, and, uh, they both gave me so much.

And most recently, about an hour of new material, so let's do this.

Good.

All right, uh…

Let me introduce the characters involved.

Uh, first, my dad, Donald "Schleppy" Silverman.

Everybody called him Schleppy. Uh…

Born in Boston, then his family moved to…

You've heard of it?

You're like, "I'm from Boston." You're from Quincy. But, uh…

Uh, they moved to New Hampshire, and that's where I was born and raised.

And, uh,

my dad owned a discount women's clothing store

called Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.

It's funny. When I tell people I'm from New Hampshire, they'll go,

"There are Jews in New Hampshire?"

Then I have to explain to them that, you know,

even New Hampshire deserves retail.

And, uh…

He'd do his own radio ads. He'd be like, "I'm Crazy Donny."

"When I see the prices at the mall, I just wanna vomit!"

And then he'd rattle off a bunch of off-brand brands.

And then at the end, he'd go, "If you care enough to buy the very best,

but you're too cheap, come to Crazy Sophie's!"

It… You know, I think he named it because… Um, Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.

He… He loved Crazy Eddie from New York, you know, in the '80s?

And he wanted to do something like that.

And, uh…

But he needed it to be a woman's name 'cause it's women's discount clothes.

And then, you know, we're Jewish, so he wanted to sneak in a Jewish-y name,

so he picked Sophie, Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.

And my Nana, his mom, was very upset because

her best friend back in Boston was Sophie Moskowitz.

And she felt that he was calling her crazy.

And, uh, he explained to her,

"Mom, if I named the store after Sophie Moskowitz,

I'd call it Ugly Sophie's Factory Outlet."

And I thought that story was so funny, so years ago,

I told it on a talk show,

and I didn't realize at the time

that, um, Sophie Moskowitz was still with us.

And, um…

It caused much tsuris between the families.

But I… I did make absolute sure, um,

that she's dead now, so…

My dad, uh, he called me every Saturday,

and I almost never picked up the phone because his messages were gold.

And I committed a couple of them to memory.

I remember one was around the time when everybody had cell phones,

like, even in New Hampshire, you know?

And he calls me, and he goes, "Guess where I am?"

"The car wash. Can you believe it?"

"I'm talking into this hunk of plastic,

and it's bouncing off the sky and down to you."

The sky. Yeah.

And then he just starts going,

"Oy."

"Oy!"

"Oy!"

His windows were down.

And I was listening to him get soaked for several minutes.

That is a very specific oy from my dad.

I haven't heard it a lot. Um…

We went to exactly one movie together, uh, when I was younger. Um…

It seemed like the perfect movie by the title, but it really wasn't.

It was called Boys Don't Cry.

Brilliant film, but don't go see it with your dad.

And, uh…

There's an absolutely brutal sexual assault scene.

And during it, the entire theater is silent,

and all you can hear is,

"Oy."

"Oy!"

The other message I committed to memory was, uh…

I had… I had moved to Los Angeles,

and I was getting jobs, like, on TV shows and stuff.

And, uh, he calls me up, and he goes,

"I know you're a real Hollywood hotshot now."

"Maybe you could find time in your busy schedule

to call back the guy who gave you life."

And then it sounds like he's hanging up, but he gets, like, a new idea and he goes,

"I used to lift up your little legs and wipe the shit out of your tuchus."

"Maybe you can find a minute for me."

He… He really loved getting old.

He loved it.

He, he, he knew he was adorable. He loved what he could get away with.

We were at a sandwich shop in LA.

And we're eating, and these two huge muscle guys

walk over to him and start, like, threatening him, like…

And he's laughing, and they leave, and I'm like, "What was that?"

He goes, "Oh, I went to refill my Coke, and then I saw those two big muscle guys."

"So I walked over there, and I go, 'You know what?'"

"I feel like kicking some ass."

With his little nubby elbows.

He had sacks of water that just hung off of both of his elbows.

Uh, you know, even the doctor goes, "I can drain those."

He said, "Nah,

my grandkids like it."

Oh, I was home.

Uh, I took a quick break from tour to go home for the holidays.

And, uh, at that time,

I, um, went and got my teeth cleaned

because, of course, death creeps in through the gums.

And, uh, my dad and I had the same dentist,

uh, Dr. Hernandez, so it was fun to see him.

And he's cleaning my teeth, and he goes,

"I miss your dad!"