House of Lies

I wore this fake piece of shit to a charity event.

Previously on House of Lies...

Enjoy your expulsion, asshole.

'Cause some big donor said "boo," Roscoe became a pariah.

Then it was just everyone feeling free to spew

whatever hateful shit was inside of them.

So, the school, uh, sent over the surveillance footage.

There's security footage?

He's got a hoodie on, same brand that you wear.

Was shocked to learn that a man such as yourself

would not only have a baby out of wedlock,

but a gender-bending son.

You involved my son in this?

So, all I have to do to get things

back on the right track is start being your little bitch.

But you're already my little bitch.

It turns out that Azhar Halabi was

in bed with Thomas Altshuler.

And guess who suppressed that shit?

When we look back on the formation of this company,

our first bouncing baby app,

we're gonna say, "Hey, you remember when it all began?"

Word on the street was that you were looking for a new position.

I'm going to offer it to you.

Huh.

When exactly are you due?

Three weeks from tomorrow.

Whoa.

She's almost here.

Are you kidding? I can't believe

fucking Marty Kaan has already torpedoed Galweather

and my company in his upward fall to the top.

And now he's on...

Thanks, thanks.

Uh, hello.

Good evening, everybody.

Uh, sorry to interrupt the festivities.

I just want to say a couple words.

I see a lot of familiar faces out there.

Uh, most of them drunk.

Hey, Marty Kaan!

Fuck you!

Oh. Okay.

Whoa, take it easy.

I mean, I know you guys are pouring them pretty stiff

behind the bar there, but still.

Oh, yeah.

Right this second, I'm fucked.

I mean, triple-decker- on-toast-points fucked.

Deeply, physically, emotionally

and spiritually fucked.

You see, my sugar mama, Denna Altshuler,

has pulled out... prematurely as it were--

leaving me in a state of expansionus interruptus.

The bank says they will float me

and I stress this,

if all of these new companies that we've taken over

will stay the course.

If I can go through and one by one convince

each of these CEOs whose companies

Denna raped and pillaged to trust... me.

And I'm close.

I am so, so very close.

What would that mean for the new Kaan and Associates?

Well, it would mean that my balls,

already very healthy in weight and girth,

would grow to heretofore unrecorded tumescence.

If I can make this happen,

I will have one of the richest management consultancies

on the planet.

Me.

Not Denna Altshuler.

Not some faceless consortium.

Me. Marty Kaan.

The guy with the big fucking balls!

But right now?

It ain't looking too good.

Oh, hey, Denna.

Uh, we're about to get a very important call

about our app. We haven't even launched yet and...

Fuck off.

Okay. Oh!

I'm dumping K and A.

Okay. No, dumping's too personal a word.

It sounds like I have some emotional investment

or something.

So, let's try this.

I am withdrawing my financial

and strategic support of K and A.

That was better. Okay.

I'm totally fine taking a $20 million hit

in order to never have to speak to you again.

Yet, you had your driver drop you off downstairs

so that you could come all the way up here and say

that in person? I don't know.

Sounds a little girly to me.

Am I hurt in a girly way?

Actually, I'm surprised by it, but yeah.

I am a little hurt.

Yeah. So, I ask myself

why? I mean, what is this feeling?

And I realize it's a very young feeling.

It's a feeling I haven't had

since my high school boyfriend dumped me.

Oh, boy, this is gonna long.

Could take forever. Why is that?

Was this a great love? Was this the one that got away?

Were we in some amazing swirl of romance?

Fuck no.

No.

I'm having this very young feeling because you...

are a child.

And I am getting as far away from you as possible.

You used my son as a pawn in your little bullshit

chess game. Fuck you, Denna.

What, you thought I wasn't gonna return fire?

I think you put the gun to your own head.... as usual.

That's gonna be fun to watch.

Thank you.

Any second now. All right? Doug, calm down.

I don't... Oh, hey, Denna!

Uh, we're about to get a very important call on our app.

We haven't even launched... Fuck off.

Oh!

Ooh! Oh. Uh...

Oberholt. Yeah, I'll hold.

Oh, my God. Come on, come on, come on. Hey.

Get the fuck out of here. What's he saying?

Put it on speaker. Okay.

I can't hear. Put it on speaker. Okay, okay. Shh...

Okay.

So, I guess it wasn't bullshit. Oh, my God.

There is very strong interest in our app

from Google.

They're gonna make an offer today.

Oh! Whoa.

Oh, my God! Okay, calm down!

Just calm down, just calm down!

You're yelling! I'm not!

Yes, you are! Listen... You are!

I'm not. I'm very calm.

Oh, God. Oh, good news.

Move, bitch.

I'm not even making eye contact.

But, hey, it just happened!

That call I was talking about, so...

I mean, dreams do come true.

- We can celebrate at the relaunch party tonight. - Absolutely.

If there's something to celebrate!

Don't get too excited. Well, hey,

can I, uh, say something?

I know that Kelsey and I are

no longer, um... well,

you don't have to spell it out. We know, so don't.

We're not having sex anymore.

Don't, don't, don't! But I thought

since I don't have a date tonight,

and Clyde's still in mourning after he killed his dad,

and we might be celebrating the acquisition of our company,

perhaps we could... I don't need

to spell it out... Have sex again.

I'm not hearing a no. No, Doug.

No. Nope. No. No.

Well, think about it. Kiddies?

My office. Yeah.

Not you, Miley Cyrus.

Okay.

Denna is 100% pulling out.

Huh. Okay?

So, we got to lock down these big swinging dicks

that came over in this acquisition or K and A is

dead in the fucking water. Grab some cushion.

Clyde? Yeah?

I'm gonna need you to get letters of intent

from Craig Smith and Hannah Choi.

I'm on it. Okay, Doug?

Work on Tim Brockner, Mike Jenson.

Mm-hmm. I've got Jeannie headed

straight out to breakfast with Rachel Hoffman.

Okay. And what about Grant Stevens?

Yeah, I'll deal with that fucknut.

Hmm, wow! Huh.

I love when you just fucking mumble

when you want somebody to ask you a ques... What?

Well, in a very interesting twist...

Yeah, yeah, draw it out. Clyde and I might

be in a position to help godfather No, no, no.

the new K and A.

Do you want to tell him, Clyde, or should I?

Nope, I'm gonna tell him.

Oh, that's no fair. No, how about you shut the fuck up?

There's nothing to tell. He's... Yeah, okay.

Yes! Okay, okay! Yeah.

I probably shouldn't have said... Jesus, ladies!

Show me your titties.

Our GPS-based doctor house call app is selling

to a little company you may have heard of

called Google.

Selling to Google?

Yeah, and as I look at the comps here,