American Housewife

Thanks to Anna-Kat

selling the most cookies and winning this trip,

tomorrow, we'll be eating breakfast

in Hollywood, California.

It's our first real vacation. It's gonna be awesome.

Sunshine, beaches, celebrity sightings, no laundry.

If you run out of underwear, you ride dirty.

This vacation is gonna be so much better

than our usual trip to colonial Crapsburg.

And Valley Forge! Don't forget, you guys hated that, too.

And while we're in California,

we're gonna be celebrating your birthday... the big 4-0.

We're not gonna make a big deal about my birthday.

It's a day like any other day,

so I don't want to be treated any differently.

- You hear me? - I hear you. No special treatment.

Now go help the kids finish packing.

I'm gonna go meet Doris and Angela.

You're going out now?

There's still so much to do before we leave.

How can you give me a hard time about this?

It's my birthday.

Did you remember to pack everything?

Swimsuits? Toiletries? Hats?

Nope, nope, and nope.

Then what have you got in here?

"The Big Finish: Rich, Famous, and How They Died."

I want to go to the Hollywood Walk of Fame

and find all the celebrities that died horrible deaths.

Murder, drugs, the occasional yacht mishap.

Hollywood, baby.

Taylor, could you come in here?

Please help your sister pack.

Why do I always have to take care of her?

Because the older sister takes care of the younger sister.

It's been that way for hundreds of years.

You know, back in colonial days,

- the eldest... - Oh, my God. Enough! I'll do it!

Anna-Kat, I need you to make room in your bag for this.

It's Mom's birthday gift.

I can't pack it with our stuff. She'll find it.

I'll try to fit it in.

You know, you don't need to take your pillow.

They have them at the hotel.

Did you know that after two years,

hotel pillows are mostly dead skin cells?

I'm gonna go pack my pillow.

The best part about flying west is you gain three hours.

You'll get there by lunch.

I don't know about that.

We have a long layover in Dallas.

So change your tickets to nonstop.

And first class.

And make it Monaco.

We can't just change the tickets.

We won this trip.

We have to take what they give us.

They can't tell you what to do.

Last time I checked, this was still America.

You know regular people

can't just switch flights whenever they want.

It's actually the first time

my family's taken a plane to a vacation,

so don't ruin this for me.

All right, I hear you. I was totally out of line.

But you've, like, been to Monaco, right?

You just don't get anything about me or my reality.

I don't feel seen or known by you.

"Seen or known"?

Working at Teen Help Line's made you super emo, dude.

Oh, yeah.

You know, this vacation's come at a perfect time.

I need a break from you.

Well, did you ever stop and think

I need a break from you, too?

Great.

- Uno, dos, tres, cuatro... - What are you doing?

Stopping myself from saying something I might regret.

No, say it.

You can't pull off that belt.

Get... out.

This is from me and Doris.

Happy 40th, honey.

- Thank you. - Just promise not to open it

- until the night of your birthday. - Mm-hmm.

So, 40.

How you dealing with that?

I don't care about 40. Bring it on.

It's just one step closer to 48,

when the last kid is finally out of the house.

Then it'll be Katie time all the time.

- - What about Greg?

By then, he'll probably have, like... a train set?

What are you guys gonna do in L.A.?

I want to go to that restaurant PUMP

and meet Lisa Vanderpump from "Real Housewives."

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, yeah.

LVP rules! She is the best of the H-wives.

- Mm-hmm. - She's British,

so when she calls you a whore,

- it sounds polite. -

And then we'll do whatever vacation stuff

everybody else wants to do.

I hate to break it to you, but you ain't going on vacation.

You're going on a family trip.

What's the difference?

A vacation is when you do what makes you happy.

A family trip is when you drag your kids all over the place,

everyone is arguing about where to go and what to do,

and by the end,

you realize that your friend who chose to stay single

was actually right.

Okay, don't listen to her, Katie.

This trip is for everyone.

This is also the first time your family's traveling

to a place where no one's wearing a bonnet.

Crapsburg!

My advice... ditch the kids and do what you want to do.

Take a vacation, Katie, not a family trip.

I can do both.

Oh! That's what Angela said

when she was dating those two women at once.

How'd that turn out?

One's in a coma...

and the other one's in jail.

That's on Angela.

I got this.

- Ah! -

I'm gonna go check us in.

- Wow! - Whoa!

Oh, my gosh.

This is awesome!

This is the first time

we've stayed anywhere with an actual lobby.

And I'm not worried we're gonna be murdered here tonight.

There's a complimentary continental breakfast

on the mezzanine level between 8:00 and 10:00!

You know what that means, kids.

Load up our pockets with muffins.

Cooper?

What are you doing here?

I don't like to go to bed angry.

I took my jet here so we could talk.

Huh. Must be nice.

This place is pretty cool.

Yeah, the Ottos are finally doing it right.

But it's not on the beach.

You know what you got to do?

Rent yourself a place in Malibu.

I can't afford that.

Sure you can! It's just the 'Bu.

- You just don't get it. - What?

You keep suggesting things that I can't do.

And it's embarrassing to keep saying, "I can't do that."

I'm 12 hours away from stuffing muffins in my pockets.

You know what?

I really want to understand what's going on with you.

Okay.

Tomorrow, let's go out in L.A.

I'll show you what it feels like to be me.

The bottles of water on the nightstand are free!

But don't touch the big FIJI.

We have a rain shower.

That's nice.

And a toilet that flushes different for ones and twos.

That's great.

What are you watching?

I hired Maria to stay at the house and take care of Luthor.

We have a camera in the living room?

Yeah, we put it in to spy on Taylor

when she first started dating Trip.

- What?! Oh, my God! - Relax!

We stopped watching after the 15th time

you guys tried to play "Clue" and couldn't figure it out.

Principal Ablin?

- Ewwwww! - Oh. Oh, no.

I told Maria no boys!

Okay, here's what we're doing tomorrow.

We're all meeting up with Cooper in Beverly Hills...

No! I want to go to the wax museum and Venice Beach!

I want to see the Walk of Fame!

I want to see the Michelangelo exhibit at the Getty.

Great, great, great. We're not doing any of that.

We're going to go to PUMP

so that I can try to see the queen, Lisa Vanderpump.

But I promised Cooper I'd meet him!

No one would be here if I hadn't won this trip!

I want to see the Specific Ocean!

I'm the one reason that everybody is here...

Do what you want... Not a vacation...

Ditch the kids...

Why is there so much melon in this fruit cup?

Stop!

Here's the deal...

tomorrow, everyone is free to do whatever they want.

- - Really?

It will be nice going to a museum

without your mom saying, "Big whoop, I could do that,"

after every painting.

Sorry, nerd. Birthday. You're coming with me.