Shameless

Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.

Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given

by 'im upstairs...

and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

Stay away!

Stay away! What sounds on earth could ever replace

kids needing money or wives in your face?

Because this, people reckon, and me included,

is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented -

to calm us all down, to stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.

You shit on our head.

But you pay the taxes!

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,

who'd cum on your face for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

Scatter. Party!

'Some old fella was found dead in his bed.

'Nothing unusual in that.

'Apart from the fact he'd snuffed it at least six months previous.

'Nothing unusual in that, apart from the fact

'that he lived in a busy street

'that prides itself on Neighbourhood Watch and community spirit.

'But somewhere amongst all that bonhomie, a human being had died

'and no-one even noticed, because they were all too busy,

'too selfish to clock it.'

All right, babes.

'What we need is for someone to shake us out of this sleep we're in,

'to remind us that we're all cogs in a big machine

'and if we don't start looking after each other,then we're doomed.

'We need someone to show us the way, set an example.

'We need a hero!

'But where are you going to find one of them around here, eh?'

Hey...the one thing I do not need when I'm in this much of a hurry,

is one of your floozies taking space in the bathroom.

is one of your floozies taking space in the bathroom. Yeah, happy 50th birthday, you miserable bastard.

And I didn't pull a floozy last night. I'm very happy with Maxine.

15 minutes she was in there, with her ablutions.

I'm outside, bladder's busting.

Had to take a piss in the sink in the end.

Why bring her back here. What if Maxine finds out?!

Why bring her back here. What if Maxine finds out?! Finds out what, Frank?

Oh, my dad was just asking me

how I think you'd react if you caught me with this lady here.

I'd rip his balls off.

I wouldn't blame you. Hey, morning, Frank. Remember me?

Yeah, we met in The Jockey last night.

Yeah, we had a few drinks, got chatting

and before long, we found ourselves back here,

one thing led to another and, er, here she is...

We are. Isn't that right? Enjoy it?

Happy birthday, mate!

None of this would've happened if I'd got my alarm call like I asked for.

Where've you been, you selfish little shit?

Out earning a living, so don't wag a finger at me,

you job-shy, sponging waste of space!

Don't talk to me like that. I've got a job, and all. I contribute!

I've got a job.

I've got a job. Wouldn't really call it a job.

Oh, well what would you call it, then, smartarse?

Community service?

# My boy lollipop... #

Come on.

# You make my heart go giddy-up... #

# You make my heart go giddy-up... # HORN TOOTS

Nice to see you paying your debt to society, Gallagher.

POP!

POP!

Not long now.

Half of me can't wait.

The other half doesn't want it to happen at all.

They say you forget the pain, though.

How could you forget the sensation

of having an eight-pound bundle of flesh and bone trying to fight it's way out you

Seven I've had. There's more scar tissue down there than fanny now.

I remember Paddy telling me he'd finished.

I didn't even know he'd started.

Like chucking a chipolata up the Mersey tunnel.

All sense of grip gone.

Worth it, though.

When you've got that little bundle in your arms, it's all worth it.

I just want it out now. I mean, two weeks overdue.

I was three weeks over carrying our Jamie.

A few tricks you might want to try.

Me and Paddy were at it 24/7 to try and budge him.

Tried that.

I love you.

God, I love you.

Curry?

Heartburn.

Get a few gins down your neck.

Might that damage the baby?

Nah, I did it with all of mine. They turned out OK.

Where do you want these, Mam?

TINNY MUSIC

All this is for Liam, is it?

His birthday party tonight as well.

Oh...

I feel sorry for Liam having to share a birthday with you.

He'd have been better off born with the number of the beast on his head.

He'd have been better off born with the number of the beast on his head. Oh, well...

Nin!

All right, Nin!

How's my second favourite great-grandson?

Yeah, I'm cool. This is my girlfriend, Max. This is Nin.

Hiya. Fancy a brew?

Oh, that would be lovely.

Happy birthday, Liam.

Happy birthday, Liam. Nin!

And happy birthday, Vernon.

Oh, cheers, Nin.

I would've been round sooner but Jonty went hypoglycemic

so I've spent half the morning force-feeding him Mars Bars.

Sister.

Thank Christ for that.

Well, I've come round to offer my services.

I heard Monica had popped out for a loaf again.

Oh, I wonder where you heard that from(!)

Thanks, love. Well, I love cooking, cleaning, ironing's a doddle,

babies need a mother, so do young boys.

And with Debbie in the Army now...

I don't think that's going to work, Nin.

It can't be easy, with Monica leaving.

Well, we've all adapted.

Well, we've all adapted. Nin could come a couple of nights a week, maybe.

You could stay over. Liam'd bunk in Stella's room.

Yes, you could go out for a pint, I could babysit.

No. No, it's too much. Much too much.

No way.

..hell.

All right.

It was just a thought.

I've got to get off now. >

Jonty'll be needing a feed.

Yeah... Eh, don't be a stranger.

I'll pop round when I can. Bye, darling.

I'll pop round when I can. Bye, darling. Nice to meet ya.

You're welcome to come round whenever you want.

You're welcome to come round whenever you want. Yeah, whenever.

OK, bye-bye.

You piece of shit.

You piece of shit. That was horrible. She's lonely.

I'm lonely.

I'm lonely. You're a sociopath, she's an OAP.

It's not always about you, you know. >

It's not...

It's not... What about us and Liam? >

It's not... What about us and Liam? > Oh.

Nin wanted to help - we could have done with it!

You better have remembered Liam's present. You promised him!

Yeah, course I remembered!

Not every day your youngest lad reaches his teens, is it?

He's 11.

Get off me fuckin' case!

Get out!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Micky, any chance you can use your contacts in the underworld

to get us one of them?

Eight tonight, the latest?

Cost ya.

40 quid.

45.

45. 35.

Deal.

Go on, kids.

Go on, kids. Liam told me about Nin.

Wait there.Nice one(!)

Just what I need another - Esther fuckin' Rantzen!

Just what I need another - Esther fuckin' Rantzen! All that shit you fed us about how Nin was the one that saved you

when you were little and yourmum died

and how you were living with your bastard of a father, that was all bollocks?

So she moves in and it's all cottage pies and starched shirts.

But you know yourself, within weeks it'll be sponging her women's bits and wiping her arse!

I'm a single parent now, got two kids under...

12.

At the age of 50, I'd like a little bit of colour in my otherwise monochrome life!

Selfish! Left the upbringing of his kids to anyone that'd take 'em on,

and I should know - I'm one of them!

and I should know - I'm one of them! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I made mistakes!

Oh, I'm fallible!

Let he who is without sin cast the first st...

Oh!

Not funny son, not fuckin'...

OK, OK, OK. Contrition you want, and contrition you shall have!

N-o-o-o!

HORN BLARES

Oh!

Dozy bastard!

I shouldn't wear these things. You saved my life.

Just doing my duty, Mrs...?

Miss. Miss Croker.Libby Croker.

Thank you.

Hey...

What you after, Lillian?

Can't I wish a friend and neighbour all the best on his big one?

Well, you could if I was your friend and neighbour.

And you're getting nowhere near my big one.

Your survival's been a combination of advance medical