Mafia Mamma

This means war.

Oh, my baby.

Fucking college.

Okay, so, I checked

the weather in Portland and it's 85 degrees,

so you will need your sunscreen.

Yeah, I know, Mom. It's in my backpack.

You got all your other toiletries?

Yes, in my bag that you packed.

While I watched, remember?

You were crying the whole time.

Yeah, what a mess.

It's not like he's going off to war. It's just Oregon.

I know, I know,

but it's such an amazing time in your life,

you can literally become anyone you wanna be.

- Mom? - You could change the world.

- Mom? - You could colonize Mars.

- I mean... - Mom,

you're spiraling.

- Sorry, sorry, boys. We'll just be one minute. No problem.

And remember...

- Lakers for life. - Lakers for life, I know.

Come back a Blazers fan, I'm not gonna let you

- back in the house. - Yeah, I know, Dad.

- Stop. - I'm serious.

Stop eating the trail mix.

It's for Nicky. It's a long trip.

Um, I guess this is it.

I'm sorry, I'm a little emotional.

Mom, Dad.

- Okay. - I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you.

Okay, see you later. Call me when you get there.

Yo, let's... fuckin' go.

Freedom!

Let's do this.

There goes our baby.

Ah!

I love you!

Every woman dreams of full brows

and long luscious eyelashes.

And thanks to Profizal's hair-generating technology,

I believe we have a real opportunity

to market this to chemo patients.

It's too sad.

I mean, anybody here wanna be sad?

No. Nobody wants to be sad.

Where's the ad that says

Profizal puts hair on men's heads?

That's who we should be marketing to.

Insecure men

with lots of cash.

No, actually, Dad, ICO labs said Profizal

- doesn't work on scalps. - It doesn't?

- No. Oh, shit.

We gotta get you on another project, dammit.

Oh, what about Restylane?

The anti-ageing filler?

Yes, the new Galderma product

for older women.

Because, you know, you're a...

...you're... you're an expert, really.

I mean, you're of a certain age bracket.

- I'm 40. - Whoa! I did not ask her age.

Everybody saw that, right?

Would never do that.

Look, I really think

this would be a perfect fit for you.

Okay.

Randy, what do you got?

Erectile dysfunction, Hank,

is a thing of the past

with Thoracinil.

Hey. So, Thoracinil is banned in the EU,

so we can't use Mykonos

but he's on a jet-ski. I love those.

I love jet-skis.

Hello?

Uh, well, it's Kristin Dorner

Balbano is my maiden name.

You never give up the name Balbano.

Sorry? Who is this?

I am Bianca

and I have terrible news.

Giuseppe Balbano is dead.

Oh, my father's father.

God, I didn't even know he was alive.

Can you hold on a sec?

Paul!

My husband's in a band.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Your grandfather is dead.

You need to settle his affairs.

His affairs? But, I mean,

I don't even know him.

You're named specifically in his will.

We'll fly you to Italy.

You'll leave tomorrow night.

Wait. What, did you say Italy?

Like, as in Italy Italy?

Yes, Italy.

Oh, that sounds...

No, I... No, I can't just get on a plane

and head on over to my dream place.

Everything is crazy at work right now

and my husband needs me, you know?

- And I just can't see that I can get away...

Quiet, listen to my lyric here.

I gotta go.

What time is it?

Kristin...

- Before you start... - Hey

- Hey. - Listen, I just want you to know I'm a feminist.

Uh...

We met before.

- Really? Yeah.

At Domenick's school,

I'm the guidance counsellor.

- Oh, my God. I... It's just that,

I wouldn't have done this if you had

more faith in your husband.

He's a great songwriter.

I know.

Tracy, it's time for you to go.

What?

- Listen. - Yes, listening.

- I support your right to be angry. Thank you so much.

- That's really kind. - Yeah, maybe call me,

we can talk this through.

- Really? You would do that? - What d'you say?

Yeah. Sure, I mean...

Bye. - Bye.

Kris, I am so sorry.

This is really hard for me to admit but,

I have this illness.

All I wanna do is have sex.

I mean, I wanna have sex, too.

We haven't had sex in, like,

- three years. - Yeah, I know,

but I mean, with a new person.

Oh!

Yeah, it's not personal, it's...

Hey,

I left my phone.

My phone.

- This one? - Yeah, thank you.

It's just hard, you know, with Domenick leaving,

it's just a big adjustment.

Don't defend that douche stain.

He's a grown-ass man working at a Starbucks.

Stranger grabs your purse.

Crotch. Eye. Crotch. Eye.

Stranger grabs your boob.

Crotch. Eye. Crotch. Eye.

- What? Oh, my God! - Is that him?

- Is that him? Give me the phone. - No, it's Italy calling again.

They want me to fly to Rome

tomorrow night to settle his affairs.

I mean, that's crazy, right? I can't go.

Kristin,

what do you masturbate to?

Italian cooking shows. I mean, more specifically,

Stanley Tucci: Searching for Italy.

There was this one episode

where he went to this burrata factory,

and it was all creamy

and he got his hands in all the milky stuff.

- It was so... - Stop. You've masturbated

this fantasy into existence.

You have to go.

Stranger puts a gun in your face.

Jenny, my boss just assigned me a new campaign.

Well, make it a business trip.

ICO has suppliers all over the globe.

How do you think I got to go to Brazil, Iceland and Ireland

- last year, huh? - I don't know.

To settle their lawsuits.

Well, shouldn't I stay here

and work on my marriage?

You should work on getting your pussy pounded.

Oh, my God. - Stranger says you're prettier

when you smile.

Crotch. Eye. Crotch. Eye.

Stop thinking about everybody else.

Start thinking about you.

Fine, then think about your grandfather's

last dying wish.

Oh, my God maybe I should go.

- Did you see what I did there? - No.

I just got you to go to Italy by putting

- someone else's feelings ahead of your own. - All right, all right,

I deserve this. I deserve this.

I'm gonna go and I'm gonna have my own

Under the Tuscan Sun. Or Eat, Pray, Love.

Fuck.

What?

Eat, Pray, Fuck.

Say it.

What, Eat, Pray... Fuck?