Useless Humans

- Doris likes mine just the way it is.

- I told you to stop talkin' to me 'bout that.

Why the hell you do

somethin' like that to your kid?

- I was that way, my daddy's that way.

My daddy's daddy's that way.

And it's sanitary.

It's a goddamn myth.

It looks good too.

Just ask Charlene.

Charlene don't know shit.

Circumcision cuts off 1,000 nerve endings

and some kinda natural lubricant.

Now that'll make fuckin' Charlene actually tolerable.

Why does everybody do it then?

- Well some guy who invented Corn flakes.

Probably to keep kids from masturbatin'.

C'mon.

That him?

- Yeah, the blood trail leads that way, let's go.

Whoa, what the?

- You think a deer did this?

Deer?

What the hell?

I do not know.

Whoa.

What is that?

Did you hear that? - What?

- By the trees. - Nope.

- Oh jeez, there's more than one.

So we grab that thing and split.

Could be worth money.

Oh shit.

This isn't how the gypsy said I'd go.

The universe is endless.

Cold and impartial.

We exist because we fought to be here.

The universe gave us a chance.

We grabbed hold, planted our flag in the ground

and said, "We belong."

Survival is fought for.

Right now ladies and gentlemen,

we are on a decaying planet of our own doing.

Well one day, Earth

will die

and we as a species will need to find

a new home.

Now greedy corporations and their puppets in Congress

are only speeding things up,

so that's why we must act now!

Invest in a Stars with Skaggs project

for intergalactic travel.

Together, we can discover unknown pockets of the universe

and need mankind to a new pine-fresh home.

Your money will make for a better universe!

Hi, Kenneth.

Hi.

What the hell are you doing?

- I was just rehearsing for a future presentation

for my space travel company Stars with Skaggs.

- That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Have you tested the equipment?

I started to.

I have a lecture in 30 minutes

and the sound must be an echo to the senses.

Right.

- And have you replaced the bulbs?

- You didn't say anything about replacing the bulbs.

I sent you an email last night

and I know you were on your computer

because of your masturbation problem.

I wouldn't call it problem.

Then where are my bulbs?

- Yeah okay, I'll get right on it.

- And the log report: stay late and finish it, okay?

Actually Kenneth, I can't.

It's my birthday today

and my friends and I are goin' on--

- I don't care about your birthday, okay?!

You're my assistant and you're supposed to assist me.

So do you wanna keep your job

or do you wanna drink Mai Tais with your friends?

- Mai Tais. - Huh?

- Oh I'm sorry, was that not an echo to the senses?

Mai Tais.

Have a good lecture, Kenneth.

Hey, wait!

Come here. - Whoa, ow.

God, unhand me.

Give that to me, you.

You will never work in a planetarium again!

- Jesus, interesting. - Hey, hey.

The coat.

Coat?

Here's your coat.

Huh, huh?

Hey, pick it up.

C'mon. - Yeah, okay.

But I'm leavin' it there.

Thank you!

Oh shit.

Hi. Oh oh, I'm sorry. - Oh jeez.

Pardon me. Sorry, Tracy. - Watch it, man.

Got a lotta momentum.

I'll see ya. - Bye, Brian.

Never.

Oh my god.

What the?

You gotta be fuckin'.

Fuck my life.

You fucking fuckface.

Not you.

- I don't need to stand anymore, right?

- Cheese. - No, you're good.

We were not in-sync on that one.

- No. - No.

- Ooh, but it's adorable. - Ooh.

Hey, all right.

Thanks.

- Alex. - Stop!

- Thank you. - Just a little.

- To Brian's birthday! - Here, here.

- And to the last Leonid meteor shower together.

What, the last?

- Yeah, the last year of college.

We might not have time to make a yearly trip

once our careers take off.

We could always find time.

I don't know, man.

You'll be busy blowin' shit up at NASA.

I'll be savin' lives in the OR.

Jess fighting deforestation in Guatemala.

Alex?

Well Alex might be free. - Yeah.

Hey, Louis.

You know, I'm really disappointed in you.

This is our thing, man.

This has been our thing since we were in elementary school.

The real world can't take that away.

- My dad says the real world

is an unforgiving thief of happiness.

And knowing my dad, I believe it.

- Well, I hereby declare this not be

the last Leonid meteor shower,

but a yearly continuation until the day we die.

And I concur.

Yay.

Duke it.

Yup, yup.

What, what yeah! - Oh.

- Lest we forget. - To our yearly meteor break!

I would live to come, you guys.

Oh Frederick, how are you darling?

But if I don't take care of my plants, who's going to?

This year is bad.

We can't have little Olaf

freezing his little butt off, can we?

Hey man, yeah.

Things have been a little, you know.

Yes!

Yeah, this year is bad.

Yo Brian, d'you see this shit?

20, motherfucker.

- 21. - No no no no.

Fuck, man.

You fuckin'. No no, you ain't takin' that shit.

Dude, this year's bad.

No, no.

No!

Faster, people.

We're on a deadline.

Can you bring that tree over here?

What are you doing?

I told you 15 minutes ago, that's not how you do that.

You guys, we're opening the garden.

This year is bad.

C'mon, bring the plant.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Ow.

All right,

so we're just gonna have to make a small incision.

It's gonna be about two inches.

- Incision? - Shh shh shh.

It's better if you don't speak, 'kay?

This year's bad.

Oh shit.

How's my ass look from back there, guys?

This year's bad, man.

This year's bad.

Oh, fuck!

- Oh, do you feel cool with your chainsaws?

I wish I could be there,

but I'm in the middle of saving the forest.

This year's bad.

- My mother was right about you!

This year's bad.

- Dude, last night was fuckin' epic.

This year's bad .

This year's good.

"Happy birthday, son.