The Simpsons

Okay, children, everyone pick an instrument.

Doesn't matter which one.

Everyone's gonna be bad.

Eh, who cares? I'm union.

I told you, I am not playing an instrument.

You're playing an instrument.

Mom, music is made by computers,

not rusty metal you put in your... ugh... mouth.

Look, your mom thinks that forcing you to do music

in school will somehow make you into a different person

than we all know you are... which it won't... so just do it,

or I'll cut all your shorts into skirts.

Fine.

What about this stupid thing?

Why don't you try this clarinet?

It's like the recorder, but cooler.

What about this hobo guitar?

At least he was wearing a tuxedo.

Now can we get out of here?

The Wi-Fi sucks, and I'm trying to click through

this slideshow of celebrities who let themselves go.

Word is that number four is insane.

And here's the form which says

you're responsible for the instrument.

So, if I break the violin, Homer has to pay?

Homer has to pay?

The school is lending your son an instrument

that's worth $430.

Violin, you and me are gonna make beautiful music together.

Bart? Bart?

$430 violin?

If the beer's in a frosted mug, you're not an alcoholic,

you're an aficionado.

Hello, Father.

Thank you for taking responsibility

for this lovely instrument.

I trust you find its music...

soothing.

Come on, dude, just leave me alone.

I'm a good man. I've got kids!

You're right, I've been too hard on you.

Here you go. Catch.

You. You. I took you into my home,

and you've stolen everything from me.

You know what this is?

It's me playing the world's smallest violin.

I'm free. I'm free.

I'm finally free!

Mwah!

Where are you going?

To do to my brain what I just did to your dreams for our son.

Chug, chug, chug!

Chug, chug, chug!

The little engine that could... get me wasted.

Yeah, everyone loves the ol' Disorient Express.

Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.

What? You have the nerve to call me?

Why don't you delete my number from your phone,

then put the phone in a sock,

and then beat yourself in the head

till your face looks like motor lodge buffet eggs!

Yeah, another prank call, huh?

Who was it this time, uh, "Anita Manbone"?

"Ivan Talickya"?

Ooh, ooh, I got one.

"John Rootbeer."

Eh, it wasn't no prankster.

It was someone I know all too well.

- Oh, who? - Shut your stinkin' face-hole!

That's who it was, okay?! Bar's closed!

Everybody get out! Get out!

Oh, stupid drunk breath.

Ah.

Oh, stupid drunk dog!

Guess I'll have to order a ride on my smartphone.

Get in.

No mints? I should've just called Uber.

Hey. What's with Moe?

It's too late for the cockfights

and too early for the rat fights.

He's been extra psycho since he got that phone call.

I just want to...

Oh, it sounds like that time you lit the barbecue

with a possum inside.

Hmm, maybe we should follow him.

Mm, you're the sober one.

Call me, will you? Oh, I'll meet you, all right.

I'll meet you good.

I'll kill you.

I'll kill you, you dirty mug!

You've got to stop them.

Let me go, huh?

I'm one loafer smack away

from tearing off his whole hair system!

Why are you fighting with an old man?

Because this old man...

is my old man.

Morty Szyslak. Nice to meet you.

You mean nothing to me. Huh?

All you are is a rotten old rib roast covered in cologne.

You ungrateful punk.

You're not worthy to walk through a cloud of my scent.

I never should've called you.

On that we agree.

The saddest thing in the world is seeing a family broken apart.

Drunk dog.

Oh, I ain't seen my pops for years.

After he called, I weakened and went to meet him.

But one sniff of "Eau de Sportcoat,"

and my shoe was in my hand.

How could you go so long without seeing your own father?

Seriously, how'd you do it? It sounds amazing.

Yeah, well, let me explain.

You know how the world sees me as a... a...

- Human toilet brush? - Bingo.

Well, I'm the white sheep of my family.

They're involved in a very evil business.

- Illegal drugs? - No, worse.

- Prescription drugs? - Oh, well, not that bad.

The Szyslaks are... mattress salesmen.

Eh, I know, I know.

They're like mortgage brokers without the moral code.

Charging people 1,200 bucks

for what's essentially a big bag of hay.

Growing up, it was me, my dad and my brother and sister.

We were the biggest mattress chain in town,

mainly thanks to our local TV ads.

How does it...?

There it is.

Here ye, hear ye!

I declare the best deals in all the land!

And don't ye forget: No credit...

No problem!

So come on down to Mattress King,

at any one of our many convenient locations.

We'll have you sleeping on a new mattress

- to... - Knight!

- And cut. - Great work, kids.

Everyone gets an onion.

But there was another reason for our success,

as I was about to learn.

Son, your voice is finally gravelly enough

for you to learn what it takes to survive in the sleep biz.

Bedbugs?!

These are Hungarian mattress gnashers.

The only way to get rid of them

is to walk away from your house naked and start a new life.

Y-You're gonna sabotage our rivals?

No, no, no, no, no, no. You are.

You want to be a sandman, a slumber jack, a yawn jockey?

This is what it takes. It's the Szyslak way.

They were the competition, sure,

but they were a family, too.

I couldn't ruin them.

You should be proud. You did a good deed.

Yeah, well, that good deed ruin't my life.

That family I took pity on,

they doused our mattresses with bedbugs.

The Szyslak empire was ruin't.

Soon, we were down to just a few locations.

My pops never said how disappointed he was,

but he let me know in his own way,

by kicking me out and turning my room

into a home gym he never used.

My brother and sister took my place in my father's heart.

The only connection I had with Pops was Linkedln.

That's worse than nothing.

Why do you think your dad reached around to you

after all these years?

I don't care. I don't care so much!

Moe, you will never have peace

until you make up with your father.

Honey, I need you to hear this:

Sticking your nose in Moe's horrible life will end badly.

Homer, what's your favorite movie?

Fast & Furious 6.

And what's the theme of that movie?

Cars.

What's the other theme?

Family.

She's right, Moe.

You got to give your cars a second chance.

Is that your family's mattress store?

- No. - Is that your family's mattress store?

- No. - Is that your family's mattress store?

No!

Geez, I never noticed

how many mattress stores there are.

Yeah, you never do till you're shopping for one.

Then they're freakin' everywhere.

That mattress looked perfectly fine when it was delivered.

It's not my fault you flipped it over!

Mr. Szyslak, I've brought someone here

who still cares for you.

Um, hey there, Pops.

I'm, uh, I'm sorry about shoe-slapping your face and all.

Well, maybe I had it coming.

You hittin' that?

- Can I, uh, say I am? - Mm-mm.

That must be Moe's brother and sister.