Paper Spiders

McCarthy Quad serves as the hub of USC life.

You know they say if it rains on your college tour,

it's bad luck to go there?

Nobody says that.

And I probably won't even get the scholarship.

Mom, can you just keep an open mind?

I have an open mind.

You can move 3,000 miles away from me.

Or you can go to a local New York college

and live at home.

- Everybody wins. - On your right-

Except for me.

USC's student union building,

a hallmark of Romanesque revival architecture.

Seems a bit outdated to me.

Dad loved it here.

Your dad was a great man.

A great taste, no, not so much.

On your left, Leavey Library.

Open 24/7.

It's not uncommon to see students

leaving at four in the morning.

Ooh, that doesn't seem safe.

Mom!

Does anyone have any questions for me?

Yes.

Please tell me a little bit about campus crime statistics.

Mom, can you pretend to be normal?

Yeah.

How can I be normal?

What's the normal thing to say?

Tell me something normal, I'll say it.

She's not a very good tour guide.

Chlamydia.

You're vertical.

I am horizontal.

Oh, this way, yeah, okay.

Also, chlamydia has eight letters.

Nine. The H is silent.

It's probably one of the two questions

you got wrong on your SATs.

Why would chlamydia be on the SAT?

Well, to subconsciously dissuade students

from having sex, obviously.

Here are your meals.

Here.

Thank you. Great.

Thank you.

I'm just gonna

- quickly do that. - Hey!

I'll have more cake, thank you very much.

- I know you want this. - And I definitely

don't want this.

Ah, why did I push you to get straight As?

If I only knew I was pushing you straight out the door.

It's just college, Mom.

What am I gonna do when you're gone?

I'm not dying.

You should have just encouraged me to flunk.

100%.

Kermit.

Stick to vertical.

It's weird 'cause it fits.

Leave a big tip. He knows where we live.

Hey, Mom.

Good night.

[man drowned out by dishes clattering]

The septums.

And I .

And I was hoping to create a controlled crack-

- Oh, she's gonna look like a platypus

when he's done with her.

And won't light them up.

So we want to bring in a little butcher's carve-

What's he doing to her nose?

It's a lateral osteotomy.

He's narrowing the nasal bridge.

She's gonna look like this.

Uh huh.

Yeah, she doesn't look like she likes it.

Well, she's anesthetized.

So she doesn't really know.

We go right through the septum.

You don't even need to put a suture in there.

Here, you can feel it.

Oh, the new neighbors are blocking the driveway.

Well, they're not

very considerate people.

Oh! They just hit the tree!

They just... I'm going out there.

Here we ask Hume here

to attach the soft tissue.

And we're now between the septum

and the right nasal bone.

We are perpendicular to the bone on the left side.

Well, you guess he's afraid of me?

What?

No way!

What happened?

He told me to fuck off.

What?

What a jerk.

Oh my god.

Look what that psycho did to Dad's tree!

It's not that bad.

And he's staring at us.

I see you too!

Oh god, why do we have this neighbor?

Don't go.

I have a quiz.

You do not have to go to USC just because Dad did.

You can do pre-med anywhere.

Bye, Mom.

Love you.

I'm just saying, all we have left is each other.

Love you, Mom.

There's a mistake waiting to happen.

I thought you already slept with him.

No, that was his brother.

Well, how was it?

So good, that's why I wanna get with him.

Another mistake waiting to happen.

Mr. Franklin?

- Yeah. - Ew!

Sharp right.

Hi.

Seriously?

I gotta make time.

Buzz kill!

Hey, aren't you valedictorian?

Salutatorian.

Ooh, not as good.

Hey, those pants do not do your body justice.

Excuse me?

Are those Nine's?

Those are the worst Nike knockoffs I've ever seen.

You know you're not gonna make good time in those.

You're really bothering me.

I don't think I am.

I think we're having a great conversation here.

Hey, Mr. Franklin, what place did she get?

Daniel, back to class.

Is that vodka?

Why don't you say it a little bit louder?

Is that vodka?

Back to class!

Well, have you ever tried acupuncture?

'Cause I know an acupuncturist.

I don't think he's licensed, but he is Korean.

Wait, excuse me, who are you talking to?

Linda.

What? I told you I'm not taking her case.

Oh, come on Bill, she is in so much back pain.

She has no money, her son is going off to college-

Hang up.

I mean just take it.

Do you have to make money on every single case?

I don't believe this.

I think I can get him to take it.

Thank you.

Hey.

Mom?

Mom?

What are you doing?

Shh shh shh shh.

The neighbor threw a rock at me.

- What? - Yeah.

I was doing laundry, I heard a bang.

Thank god he missed the window.

Wait, can I see?

I can't...

What are you doing? Would you get down?

What? Are you trying to get hit?

Well...

I'm gonna confront him.

Oh, oh, are you out of your mind?

He could hurt you.

This is like that movie.

What movie?

The one with what's her name.

Oh yeah, yeah. I love that movie.

Melanie, Melanie, he's trying to break in!

Who?

The neighbor! Who do you think?

He walked by my window.

And then he jingles the door handle on the back door.

Okay.