The Cockfields

We're still on the ferry, Mum.

- How come?! - Because it's a 45 minute crossing

and you only phoned 15 minutes ago.

What way's he driving from the ferry?

Tell him to go via Afton, not Norton Green.

Ray says to go via Afton.

I heard him. We're not going that way, it takes longer.

No, it doesn't.

Ray's shaking his head, he's says it doesn't.

Give me the phone, Sue.

You there, Simon?

No, I've flung myself overboard.

When you get to Yarmouth, go via Afton, not Norton Green.

- It'll be quicker. - No, it won't, it takes longer.

- No, it doesn't. - Yes, it does!

Listen, I've lived on the island for 35 years.

You should know your way round the place then, shouldn't you?

Will you just listen to me for once and go via Afton?!

I'm handing you back to your mother.

Hello, love. Is Donna there?

You have a go.

- Hello, Sue. - Hello, Donna.

Donna, I can't sign into my iPad.

Okay.

It's probably your password.

What's your password?

- Password? - It's shitpipe17.

Don't look at me like that! Andre set it up.

Shitpipe17.

Why is your password Shitpipe17?

Is is your mothers maiden name?

- Well, can you fix it or not? - Mum?

Mum, can we sort this out when we get there?

- Okay, love, yeah. Drive carefully. - Yep. Bye.

- Bye! - Bye-bye.

Did he say he'd go via Af..

Why does your mum always think I work in IT?

I've no idea. I'll put it on a long list of things

I do not understand about that woman. Come on, then.

You're definitely going to split up with me after this weekend.

- Probably. - No, I'm serious.

Mum and Ray are going to do your head in.

- Speak of the devil. - Hello, Mum!

We're five minutes away.

Quick question. Can you ask Donna if she likes raw carrot?

Like raw carrot?

- Yes, thanks, Sue. - Yeah, she does, Mum.

Thank God! Donna does like raw carrot, Ray.

What are you on about?

I'll see you when you get here, love. Bye!

- Okay. Bye, Mum! - Bye! Bye!

You've just missed the turning for Afton.

Oh, right. Well, you know, that's the kind of bloke I am, Donna.

If I want to go via Norton Green, I'm going to go via Norton Green, all right?

- You're so butch! - I know, it's about time you bloody noticed!

- Hello, Mum! - Hello, love!

- Hello, Donna! - Hi, Sue.

Welcome to the island!

- Peanuts! - Oh, I'm sorry!

She wets herself when she gets excited.

I have the same problem with her, Mum.

- I doubt that for a second! - These are for you, Sue.

They're lovely!

- Did you go via Afton? - No, no.

Well, that's why you're late.

- We're not late, are we? - Look at these.

Well, they'll need to go in the lean-to because of my lips.

Well, you weren't to know, Donna,

these'll give Ray a runny nose and big lips.

- Hello, Donna, welcome to the island! - Hello, Ray, nice to see you.

- How's my favourite stepson? - I'm good. How are you, Ray?

I'm fine. Do you want to park your car in front of mine?

Can't I just leave it there? It's been a long drive.

Just pop it in front of mine.

- Right. - I'll clean it for you later.

You don't have to.

I'll hoover the inside as well.

Ray went into Totland this morning, Donna, and got you a block of lard.

Thanks.

We noticed when we came to visit you didn't have any.

Now, would you kids like to have lunch inside or outside, Donna?

I don't mind.

Well, it might be nice to have it outside.

You don't think it's too hot to eat gala pie in the garden?

Maybe.

Although we might regret it if we have it inside.

Let's eat in the garden, then.

What about the midges?

Well, let's eat inside, then.

Although the midges don't really bother me and Ray.

Well, let's eat outside, then, Mum.

It seems a shame when you've come all this way.

Right. Ray, change of plan, the kids want to eat outside now.

- I thought they would! - Yeah, make up your mind, Donna!

Bloody hell, is that you?

Yeah, that was my storing food in my cheeks phase.

Fair play to your mum for not lobbing you in to the sea at birth.

- The eagles have landed! - Hello, pal! How are you?

- Good. - You remember my stepbrother?

- Yeah. Hello David. - Hello, Donna!

Oh, wow! Nice shoes!

Oh, thanks, they're just plimsolls.

No absolutely, that was a bit much, wasn't it?

Rein it in, David!

- So, how are you, David? - I'm good, I'm good.

I lost my job but, you know, it's probably for the best.

Why, what happened?

To a large extent, for some reason, working on ferries,

specifically the ones I've worked on, and I think there should be

a documentary made about this, bullying occurs.

No-one wants to hear about this again, David.

I'm sorry Dad, but comments were made about the length of my trousers.

I was ostracised by the other cafeteria staff and,

on top of that, I had my coffee sweetener stolen.

And I said to the captain, "It's not lost, it's stolen!"

Me and David shared this room.

Wow, what was that like?

Yeah. He chatted a lot.

- Is this all right for you, Donna? - Yeah, it's great.

Right. Well, there's a spare duvet under there,

- and I've emptied these drawers out for you. - Brilliant, thanks.

Right, well, I'll get out of your hair, let you get settled.

Thanks, Mum.

I'll just quickly plug this air purifier in for you, Donna.

Do you want me to put your suitcase in the loft?

No, we're all right.

Ray? No, we're all right.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, we're fine.

Fair enough. Well, give us a shout when you want me to put it up there.

We don't want to put them in the loft.

Right. If you say so.

Right, I think that's about it.

Donna, do you need any washing doing?

No, it's okay, thanks.

You won't need that.

Right, do you need anything else?

No, we're fine, thanks, Mum.

Well, I'll let you get on with it.

- We've got a new paper shredder. - Cool.

Yeah. I'll be going.

I'm so glad you've come over for your birthday.

Well, thanks for having us, Mum.

I can't believe my little boy's going to be 40.

Where does the time go, eh?

They're really sweet.

- Come and have some food, Mum! - Yeah, come on, Sue! Come and sit down!

Pass us the piccalilli, David.

Absolutely!

Stop shouting, please.

Yep, no, keep volume to a reasonable level.

- So, are you living here now? - Yes.

Dad's been very generous and patient and has allowed me

to stay here until I'm back on my feet.

Well, you've got a month and then you're out on your arse.

There's only so much wittering a man can take, Donna.

Sausages!

Eat up, everybody.

Oh, my God!

Everything all right, Mum?

What's she doing now?!

Napkin rings!

At least we can all relax now.

Thank you.

- How's your mum, Donna? - Yeah, good.

- How's your dad, Donna? - Good, thanks.

Lovely. Give them my love.

Bloody hell, Suzie, you're talking as if you know them, you've never even met them!

Are you too hot, Donna?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Do you want to go in the shade, love?

Yes, I think so.

Move yourself a little to the left, then.

Mum doesn't know if she's sitting in the shade or not.

Am I in the shade now?

No, no, just a bit more.

- Now? - A bit more.

- Now? - Now you're in.

Oh, yeah, that feels better!

You don't know if you're in the shade or not, do you, Mum?

No, I've never been able to tell where the sun ends

and the shade begins, Donna.

It's a worry, isn't it?

No, it isn't! Slap him for me, Donna!

Everybody enjoying their gala pie?

- Yeah. Yes, lovely. - Very good.

If this recipe was online, I'd give it a digital kiss.

Oh, David, that's a lovely thing to say!

What's that you're eating there, David?

Sweetcorn niblet pie.

David's a vegetarian, but he doesn't really eat vegetables.

- You live on cereal, don't you, David? - Absolutely.

A big bowl of granola drenched in full fat lactose-free milk

is my crack cocaine!

Would you like some more gala pie?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

- Have that little bit. - Honestly, I'm full.

Go on, eat it, it'll only go to waste.

Have you met anyone famous lately, David?

Yes, I have. I met Clare Balding at the Medina Centre back in April,

and Dan Walker at the Southampton Boat Show.