Kathleen Madigan: Madigan Again

- As our friend Jeff harmon says,

you know a city's great when it welcomes you with a fist...

A big, black fist.

- It's right in your face. No explanation.

Just... "Guess what.

"Somebody, while you're here,

"may or may not punch you in the face,

"and this is what the fist will look like

when it comes to your face."

Yeah, it's Joe Louis'.

Look it up.

Bye.

White castle.

I need to get a little drink of beer

before I do this, maybe two.

- Ladies and gentlemen, my good friend

and someone who is probably the funniest person I know.

Please give a good, loud, warm Detroit welcome

to Kathleen Madigan.

- Wow. Thank you.

Thank you guys so much.

And how about one big hand

for a guy working for $500 tonight...

Mr. Lewis black?

Thank you guys so much for coming out,

and this took me 25 years to have enough say-so to...

"Well, where do you want to tape your special?"

"Well, you have to go here. You have to go there."

And now, finally, I'm old enough where I go,

"no, no. We're gonna go where I want to go."

And they go, "where do you want to go?"

I said, "I want to go to Detroit."

And they said, "why?"

I said, "two reasons.

"I'm not sure I'm fond of all of you,

"and I know that in Detroit, at any given moment,

"something weird and bad could happen to all of you.

"And second of all, the people of Detroit...

"perhaps for those of you who haven't read a newspaper...

"are the most optimistic people.

"They're still there.

"Do you understand?

They are still there."

"60 minutes" has covered it.

"20/20" has covered it.

The "New York times" has covered it,

and what is the conversation at the dinner table?

"Well, something's gonna happen. It's got to turn around.

"I mean, I don't know when,

"but I'm certainly not leaving yet.

"I have hope.

"I mean, that kwame kilpatrick was crazy, but you move on.

"You do, you move on...

And you find a better man."

I do love this city.

And, you know, I don't know if this is progress,

but normally, and this is my city included,

we're usually flip-flopped

in number one and number two in murder.

It's usually Detroit and then St. Louis,

which is why I feel so close to you people.

I understand the element that you live with,

that at any moment, shit could get weird.

Just driving down the road. You don't know.

Things could get weird, but this year, no, no, no, no.

Number one, flint.

Yeah.

I'm like, "how? How is that possible?

There's not even any people there."

Are they just shooting people that drive by and counting that?

Are they, like, tricking people to flint?

"Free money!"

And then they shoot them and go, "there's another one.

We're so gonna win this year."

And I don't think it's fair

that Detroit dropped to number three

just because you've actually shot everyone.

Just because you did a good job

doesn't mean you should lose gold ranking.

Because there's lovely parts of Detroit.

Here, this whole area.

People don't know that, though.

They only know what you see on the news.

You know, like, "are you afraid to go to Detroit?"

No, I'm not afraid to go to Detroit.

I'm not afraid of normal things.

It amazes me when...

My friend is a DVD distributor,

and he's like, "you know what people love?

Horror movies, 'cause teenagers...

They love to pay to be frightened."

I go, "that's because they have not lived long enough

to know that real life will scare the shit out of you."

There is no reason to go pay to be scared,

'cause at this age, I could care less

if a vampire walked in my house.

I truly wouldn't even blink in an eye.

But look at this mole.

Yeah, that scares me.

Look at that mole.

Yeah.

It's got ridges on it now.

It didn't three weeks ago,

but I don't have time to go to a doctor,

so I just ask other comedians.

Like, "hey, does that look fucked up to you?"

And they go, "no." I go, "cool."

And then I go have another beer and forget about it.

Yeah, really, you're gonna pay to be scared?

I'll scare you. Here's a letter from the IRS.

Do you want to open that now or after you've eaten lunch

and you can vomit your $8 lunch special?

I'm not afraid of a burglar.

I'm afraid of the mailman.

That's who I'm afraid of.

That son of a bitch

hasn't brought anything good to my house

since I was ten.

That's the last time

I got a birthday card with money in it.

That was it. Ever since then, nothing.

But I do love the post office,

which is a bit of a dichotomy,

because I cannot believe at this age,

I have friends that when they raised the price of a stamp,

my friends will go insane.

Young people in their 30s and 40s.

It's not old people on a budget. 30-year-olds.

"My god, they raised the price of stamps.

"Jesus Christ, this is highway robbery.

This federal government..."

Really?

It's 49 cents.

You're angry about that?

'Cause I feel the exact opposite way.

I cannot believe, to this day,

that I can walk into a building

with a piece of paper in my hand

and look at a full-grown adult and go,

"hey...

"49 cents...

Will you take this to Alaska?"

They go, "yes, ma'am. We'll have it there in two days.

Is there anything else you'd like?"

"More stamps. This is crazy."

And then the government's cutting some of the post office.

That makes me sad,

'cause then there's always that big argument.

Should the government pay for programs like that or not?

I don't know. I feel back and forth.

Pbs... Mitt romney said cancel it.

No. That's "sesame street." You can't do that.

But you could do pbs better than it's being done.

I can tell you... I don't get it.

I know in hotels it's always the channel that's on.

So, like, I'll come home from a show.

Maybe I've had two or four glasses of wine,

and maybe it's late,

and maybe I'm in a sentimental mood,

and that's what pbs does.

They show sentimental concerts.

It's those three old people sitting on a couch.

It's like they're talking directly to you.

"Hey, Kathleen, welcome home from the show.

Did you have a good time tonight?"

"Yeah, yeah, I did. I had a good time tonight."

"Would you like to hear

a little John Denver this evening?"

Yes, I love John Denver."

I don't tell people that.

It sounds geeky,

and I'm still really angry at him

for not putting enough gas in his airplane.

I don't understand...

I don't understand how you do that.

You're an American icon.

Check your gas Gauge.

All right, okay.

"But, yes, I'd like to hear some John Denver."

"Would you like to hear John Denver sing 'sunshine'?"

"Yeah. I love 'sunshine.'"

and then, bam, they blast you to red rocks.

There it is, Colorado, red rocks, 1978.

There's John Denver singing it.

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me...

And then he's gone, and it's the old people again.

"Hey, Kathleen, were you enjoying that song?"

"Yeah, yeah, I was."

"Would you like to hear John sing the rest of 'sunshine'?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I would."

"Well, here's the thing.

"We are $84 short,

"and we got Peter, Paul, and Mary coming up next,

"and I know you don't want

"'puff the magic dragon' interrupted,

"so why don't you just go ahead

"and put $250 down on your credit card

and enjoy your evening?"

You wonder about our government spending money.

You wonder who makes these decisions,