The Jim Gaffigan Show

Jim!

So fortunate I ran into you.

I was thinking you could speak to my young men's group

about the value of fatherhood.

Uh, Father Nicholas, I appreciate you asking,

but I don't know what I would say.

I'm not the best Catholic.

Jim, you are so humble.

What about this Thursday?

- Uh, well, I would... - Terrific.

- See you at the youth center. - But... I...

Jim!

I just keep running into you. It reminds me...

Wait, weren't you back there?

Can you help at the soup kitchen?

- What? - Terrific! See you Friday.

- I don't know what my schedule is. - Ah, 5:00.

Wear something that can get dirty. Like that outfit.

Okay.

All right. Go inside. Go inside.

_

Thanks, Yonah.

- Ah! - Jim, this reminds me.

I want you to teach Sunday School.

Wha...

_

Ah!

Oh. Sorry.

Hey, Buddy. What'll you have?

Light Ale, please.

Sure thing.

- It's... - time for dinner!

- Ah... ah... - It's lasagna!

- You're so sleepy. - Hi.

Did you have a good nap?

Uh, not really.

I had the weirdest dream.

I think I ate too much pastrami.

This is quite a production for dinner.

Well, Father Nicholas is coming.

Again?

Jim, us having him for dinner every now and then

is the least we can do.

Actually, us not having him for dinner

would be the least we could do.

Every time I see that guy, he asks me to do stuff. For other people.

All Father Nicholas does is stuff for other people.

Exactly. So we don't have to.

Then just say no.

To a priest?

Then he'll tell on me.

To God, and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit guy.

Are you even Catholic?

Hey, I'm learning.

That's him.

I expect you to be a good host.

With pants this time.

All I do is give.

- Thank you, Jeannie. - You're welcome.

Ah.

I'm gonna go put "SpongeBob" on.

- Oh, great. - For the kids, Jim.

I... I know.

Jim, can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Have you lost weight?

- Yeah, yeah. I have. - Ah.

You're looking fit.

I'm coming back!

Yeah, used to be a time when I was in pretty good shape.

I used to run six miles a day.

That's funny. Is this one of your comedy skits?

No.

I was... I was an athlete.

In high school, I was varsity football and wrestling.

Once an athlete, always an athlete.

This is amazing.

You know, the church soccer team, we just lost a player.

Oh, well, you know, I mean, I'm... I'm an athlete, but, like,

I, uh, enjoy it from a distance. You know, from... from my couch.

All the proceeds go to the homeless shelter.

Jim, come on.

Which homeless shelter?

The one down the street.

- That one? - Yeah.

Okay.

Wonderful!

Wonderful.

Jim, you scored the final goal.

I still got it!

I just got a little bit more of it.

Can I have an autograph please?

Uh, sure, sure.

No, not you. You.

You're Nicky Ngungumbane, right?

- Yes, I am. - Great!

Can I get a selfie?

- Of course. - Yes!

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- "Nicky"? - Don't you start.

You were unbelievable!

Did you play soccer professionally?

Oh, no, no, no... I mean, I played for

the Zimbabwe Junior National Team.

We won the African cup, and, uh,

I was recruited by Manchester United.

What? You were?

Well, what happened?

Nothing happened. I became a priest.

- Oh, you got injured. - Oh, no.

So... so you went from being

a soccer star to being a Catholic priest?

Oh, it's not as simple as that, Jim.

I first went to the London School of Economics.

Wait, the Catholic Church paid for you

to go to the London School of Economics?

Oh, no, no, no.

Modeling paid for that.

What? You were a model?

I... I mean, I did one campaign for this company... Benetton.

Wait... wait a minute.

You were a soccer star, a Benetton model,

and went to one of the top business schools in the world,

and you threw it away to be a priest?

Father Nicholas, I mean,

I don't want to be rude, but being a Catholic priest

is not exactly a status symbol today.

Yeah, well,

I've been blessed with many gifts in this life.

But I realized that I had a calling to serve,

and I answered that call.

I think I would've let that go to voicemail.

We all have a calling, Jim.

- Well, not everybody. - No, you.

- You make people laugh. - Yeah, yeah, besides that.

I'm talking about something important. To make lives better.

You know, I do jokes about donuts.

- Ah! - Now, the guy who invented donuts?

He had a calling. Is he a saint?

- He should be a saint. - Maybe.

Oh, I've got to go in and check on Mr. Camenela.

He's been very lonely since his wife passed.

Oh.

You're a good man, Father Nicholas.

Like, invented donuts good.

- I'm not playing soccer anymore. - Yes, you are.

- It's too hard! - No, no, no.

- You were really good today! - Where am I gonna get a cab?

That was him!

Yeah, could've been some superstar millionaire,

but instead, the highlight of his week

is coming to our apartment and eating your lasagna.

What's wrong with my lasagna?

It's veggie.

No one likes veggie lasagna.

Jim, you're missing the point. It was his calling.

Calling... you say "Calling" like that's something everyone gets.

Like a jury summons.

Well, I clearly remember when I got my calling.

_

Jeannie!

I told you, you could only get one Cabbage Patch Kid.

I want five!

I said one!

Okay, fine. Five. Just stop screaming.

It all makes sense now.

Jim, don't you remember a moment when you realized you were

put on this planet to do something?

- It's not eating. - I...

Jim, isn't your calling to be a father?

Being a mother is a calling. Dads order pizza...

we're like the vice president of the family.

Everyone has a calling.

You just have to listen for it.

Don't be weird.

_

_

Listen, listen, listen! You just don't listen!

Jim...

Jim...

Jim...

God?

Over here...

Macaulay?

Jim! We're having a party up here.

We're re-enacting "Steel Magnolias." You should totally come.

Uh, uh, uh, no, I'm good, thanks.

By the way, your bald spot is gigantic.

Okay, the next open house is on Bleecker.

Oh, FYI, I lied. I told them you're happily married

and that Jim is a great husband and father.

Daniel, Jim is a very active, present father.

Right, Jim? Jim?

Yeah, that's a great apartment.

What are you looking at? Our kids are over there.

Joseph! No, no, no. Don't eat that.

The rats poop in the sandbox. Come on.

Daniel, do you believe you were put on this earth

to do something for the benefit of humanity?

You know, I've thought a lot about that,