The Invisible Raptor

That's showbiz baby!

Results of cognitive skill test

part two finished compiling.

Subject possesses strong deductive reasoning skills,

but lacks basic empathy.

Commencing cognitive skill test, part three:

visual spectrum differentiation.

Ten bucks says the bastard doesn't get the next one right.

Hey, can you not do that?

He doesn't like it when you do that.

And can you not eat your lunch in here?

This is supposed to be a sterile environment.

Prompt number one: shapes and color.

Which key opens the door?

A for yellow, B for blue.

You have five seconds remaining.

A is correct.

The yellow key opens the yellow door.

Positive reinforcement: achieved.

We raised one smart invisible raptor.

We raised the only invisible raptor.

Poor guy doesn't have any family.

Oh, here we go.

You know what? Family's overrated.

And speaking of, I got to run out

and get my kid a birthday present.

Oh, yeah. When is it?

Uh... Two weeks ago?

Ouch. What are you gonna get?

Uh. I figured I'd stop by that old dinosaur museum

gift shop off the highway.

I mean, it's on the way home.

Oh, yeah. The one with all the giant dinosaurs.

I love that place.

Yeah. Get him something the, uh, ex-wife will bitch about.

You know how that goes.

Not really. I'm solo.

No family, no kids, nothing.

I could be dead on the floor in here

and no one would think to look for me for two weeks.

Well, you're lucky. Can't escape mine.

Oh, do me a favor.

If Dr. Tyler comes by, cover for me.

I'll keep an eye out.

Access granted: John Sykes.

Whoa!

What you got there?

How did you get those?

Come on. You want to give 'em to me?

Come on.

It's almost like you know what those are for.

Ha!

Oh, shit. Of course.

Willie, I forgot my keys again.

Can you toss 'em over?

Can you toss 'em over for me?

Thanks, dick.

Have a good weekend, Willie.

Access granted: John Sykes.

Access granted: William Walsh.

Oh! Goddammit.

Dino World guests and dino campers,

please make your way to the dig zone

for a special fossil presentation

by our world-renowned paleontologist,

- Dr. Grant Walker. -C'mon, Boo Boo,

we don't want to miss the show.

-Okay, Mom. -Okay. Let's go.

...and other tools are used to remove the rock

covering the bones to see how much

of the skeleton is present.

Special glue is applied to the cracks and fractures

to hold the fossils together...

Can anyone tell me what this is?

A claw!

That's right. This is an actual raptor claw

dating all the way back to the Cretaceous period.

Oh, just around over 75 million years ago.

And believe it or not,

that's older than all your mom and dads put together.

My dad's in Mexico with Sally.

Okay.

Now this claw was located right on his middle toe

and it was retractable like a switchblade.

The raptor would extend the claw

to slash at its prey just like...

this!

Okay. Okay, everyone calm down.

Now raptor...

Fuck.

Hmm.

All right, you chickenshit motherfucker,

you listen to me.

All right, that shit was a long time ago.

All right, you're a grown-ass man

doing grown-ass man shit now.

All right?

Hmm. No one's gonna pants you.

No one's gonna see your dick.

All right. You got a full-ass dinosaur costume on.

You got a zipper and everything.

It's impossible.

So get out there and dance your dick out.

D-Dick, dick, dick off.

Jeez, Mr. Beagle.

I'll be right there! Hold your nuts!

Now can anyone tell me what this is?

No?

This is coprolite.

Also known as fossilized feces.

Or raptor poop.

Ew!

Don't worry, it doesn't smell... anymore.

That's just this place.

All right, everybody, take a whiff.

You don't smell anything, right?

It's really old.

Now, something you may have noticed

is that raptor droppings are very unique.

In fact, there's nothing quite like it

in the animal kingdom.

You notice the distinct impressions

and patterns throughout.

Kind of looks like a big croissant

made out of old tires, right?

You know, when I was doing my fieldwork

to get my PhD in paleontology, uh, I actually found--

How do they pee-pee? Does it have a penis?

How does it have sex?

Hey, Doc G, it's almost showtime!

Actually, that is a great question.

Uh, we don't know for sure.

They either had a penis or a cloaca,

much like modern birds and reptiles today.

And a cloaca is a tiny little flap

covering a little hole.

Hey kids!

Did someone say "Dino Pal"?

All right, that's pretty much it for today.

So if you want to get out of here, it's--

Boo!

Remember when I said that dinosaurs were closely related

to modern birds?

Well, another thing raptors did

that's similar to the descendants

are mating calls

and a ritualist mating dance.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for,

it's everyone's favorite dinosaur,

Dino Pal...

...here to perform his famous dino rap dance.

Thank you for visiting Dino World.

Be sure to try our fossil funnel cake.

It's... DINO-mite.

-in our state-of-the-art... -And please kill me.

...for the prehistoric ocean exhibit

featuring the megalodon in 3D.

You heard me.

Kill me.

Mr. Beagle! Mr. Beagle!

Ooh, there he is!

You know you can't be out here doing the show.

No, you can't. You know I love you.

You know I'm your best friend. You're my best friend.

Yes, you are.

All right. I'm sorry buddy, okay?

I'm gonna give you a Flintstone-sized bone later.

Okay? Yabba-dabba-deuces.

Dino World will be closing in 15 minutes.

Please head to the exits.

Make sure to stop in our gift shop

before you end your visit today.

A lot of these sales will go extinct.

-Did you learn anything today? -No.

Shit.

Uh, okay, Elliott,

why don't you be a good little raptor

and run off with your raptor pack?

I don't have a pack.

Okay, well, why don't you go find anybody else?

Here. Have some dino eggs.

On me. And you can use those to make friends.

Okay? Go!

Yay.

I see you still have a hard time letting people get too close.

Amber.

What's it been? Ten years?

What? Since you dumped me?

I'm just messing with you.

It's just water under the bridge now.

Uh... You look good.

This old thing? I know.

Hey, listen, the way I left things off...

could very well be perceived as wrong and I'm just--

Hannah, why don't you go get yourself a gift

in the gift shop?

We have some catching up to do.

So, you, uh, still into this stuff?

Um, not since grad school.

I mean, not all of us were lucky enough