Downsizing

It gives me great pleasure to welcome the director of the Institute

and my old friend,

Dr. Andreas Jacobsen.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Pereira.

Seventy-five years ago, Ms. Nellie Edvardsen,

overcome with guilt by the fortune her late husband's family had amassed

producing mustard gas during World War I,

founded our Institute

so that the wonders of science could instead be used to help mankind.

In the 1950s,

the Institute identified overpopulation

as mankind's single greatest long-term threat.

The cause of all the catastrophes we are seeing today,

extreme climate and weather events,

and the devastating impact on food and water security.

Among the many solutions we conceived so many years ago,

one, which seemed then so ambitious, so out of our grasp,

has finally borne fruit.

And today, we are proud to unveil

what we fervently believe to be the only practical,

humane and inclusive remedy

to humanity's gravest problem.

My colleague, Dr. Jorgen Asbjørnsen, will now present his findings.

Are you ready, Doctor?

Yes, I'm ready.

Please take your seats.

Please sit down, ladies and gentlemen, please.

Please take your seats, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Dr. Pereira, esteemed colleagues.

Five years ago, building on the research of our predecessors at the Institute,

my team and I discovered a process

by which all organic material can be reduced at the cellular level

by a ratio of approximately 2,744 to 1.

Such a process converts a man of 1.8 meters

to just 12.9 centimeters.

A wide array of flora and fauna were subjected in this process,

and, with the exception of some fish and shellfish,

absolutely no side effects were detected.

Please, lights.

Once the safety of the procedure was confirmed,

36 brave volunteers joined my wife Anne-Helene and me

as the very first humans to undergo cellular reduction.

The process is short and painless,

with only the mild discomfort of

removal and replacement of dental and other prosthetics.

The subjects are placed under light sedation

and after a brief rest, fully recover within an hour or two.

Once completed, our little village, just 7 meters by 11 meters,

was placed inside a gas-permeable enclosure

designed to protect us from the hazards of

weather, animals and insects.

Thus, we set about to live together

in the world's very first self-sustaining community of the small.

I hold here in my hand

all of the uncompostable waste produced by 36 people over four years.

In this afternoon's session, we will outline

our proposal for a two to three hundred-year transition

for the world to transform from big into small.

But for now,

I'd like you all to meet some very special people. Come.

Bravo!

And look, there is Little Ronni Nestrud,

the first small baby ever born,

and his new little sister Ulrikke.

Jorgen Asbjørnsen of the Edvardsen Institute,

himself now only 10 centimeters tall and weighing just 18 grams,

explained the rationale behind the invention.

That is wild, isn't it? Just Wild.

Say, Holly?

You can go ahead and put the takeout order in. Thanks.

- Is that you? - Yeah.

You hungry?

I ate about an hour ago.

I didn't know when you were coming.

You knew I was bringing food.

I called you and asked you specifically, and then you go and eat?

Just a sesame chicken! I'm still hungry.

Did you see the news today?

- About the little Swedish man? - Norwegian.

Helen called to tell me to turn on the TV.

What won't they think of next?

Unbelievable.

Biggest thing since landing on the moon. Bigger!

I don't get it.

Why would anybody want to do that to himself?

They can shrink people down

and fly to Mars,

but they can't cure my fibromyalgia?

And all this fuss about the environment

as though the world's going to end tomorrow.

I'm in pain.

I can't breathe! Doesn't that matter?

Lots of people are in pain, Mom,

in all sorts of ways.

...tingling?

- More like tingling. - Tingling, okay.

This downsizing thing is simply runaway-train technology

that's having a devastating impact on our world economy.

We're losing billions of dollars in consumer spending already.

It's hurting us in construction, automobile,

housing and defense.

And then, of course, when we get to politics?

Israelis shrinking Palestinians,

African dictators shrinking rival ethnic groups.

Look, Ron, in any major transformation of society,

are there serious growing pains? Sure.

But at current mass and volume, human life on Earth is unsustainable.

You know, that one guy makes a good point.

This family on my block just moved away to get small.

Now their house is just sitting there.

Making everybody's values take a dive is what they're doing

and just when I'm trying to refinance.

Marlene thinks I should do it just to lose the weight.

You and me both, buddy.

Hey, Dee, is that takeout order about ready?

Hey, honey, I brought food!

I'm not hungry.

What's wrong?

I have a splitting headache.

The store was super busy,

and Carla was a total bitch on wheels.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Here, let me do the neck thing.

Yeah, do the little neck thing.

Just relax, honey.

Let me take all the weight.

Okay, here is the beautiful formal living room

with the wonderful fireplace.

And come around here, and we have

the nice big breakfast area for the kitchen.

Big eating area.

And this kitchen is just a complete wow.

No, it's awesome. I just think

maybe we should look again at that place in Benson.

Come on, let's just check out the rest.

This is great in here.

Double oven, six-burner gas stove.

It's got this wonderful butler's pantry over here,

granite counter top...

- Hey, Sean. - Hey, Paul. How you doing?

Good.

- Do I look fat? - No, you look very handsome.

Anesthesiology?

My wife says I put people to sleep even without the drugs.

I'm surprised you're still awake.

He uses that joke like twice a week.

- What's your field, Paul? - Occupational therapy.

- Okay. - Like career counseling?

No, it's just like physical therapy,

but focused on workplace injuries and rehab.

Repetitive stress, lower back, that sort of thing.

A lot of shoulder problems.

I'm in-house over at Omaha Steaks.

He does a lot of paperwork.

Yeah, well, I get a little carpal tunnel of my own

-from time to time. - Tell me about it.

Medicine these days is all about covering your ass.

Hey, Paul, weren't you pre-med down in Lincoln?

Good memory. Yeah, I put in two years.

Then my morn got real sick,

so I moved back to Omaha to take care of her.

I wanted to be a surgeon, actually.

You know, we might've ended up working together.

You could've been my anesthesiologist!

- How about that? - Yeah.

Oh, my God. No way.

Dave?

That's Dave! Dave Johnson!

And Carol!

I heard he was coming. I had no idea!

He never struck me as the kind of guy who'd go get small.

- Hey, everybody. - Hi.

- Hope we're not intruding. - No.

Hey, Andy?

Could you get Carol a...

Gin and tonic.

A gin and tonic.

With lime.

With lime.

Well, actually,

we weren't planning on coming at all at first,

but then, you know, we started getting all the emails.

Plus my sister was having a lump removed.

She's fine, thank God, but I still needed to see her.

So what's traveling like?

How'd you guys get up here from New Mexico?

Gosh, it's great! Yeah.

The airlines are getting more and more small-friendly.

All the seats are first-class.

So, after a couple of years in Florida, we moved out to Vegas.

Yeah, I think that's the last time we talked.

Yeah. Well, Vegas wasn't such a good choice for me,

as it turns out.

Got into some real bad habits. Pretty much hit rock bottom.

I'll tell you, any other woman would've run for the hills.

But Carol, man, she's a saint. She stuck with me.

But I really had to come clean about everything.