Two and a Half Men

* Men.

Man, I love German cars.

Well, if you keep your nose clean and work hard,

someday you'll be able to park them for a living.

Excellent.

Why is my ass getting hot?

You turned on the seat warmer.

Oh, good.

I was afraid I had another case of swamp ass.

Another case?

Yeah, it happens every year around this time.

Only thing that helps it is aloe vera and Vaseline.

I see.

Half a tube of each, right in the crack.

It's like squirting ketchup and mustard into a hot dog bun.

Uh-huh.

Then you, like, mash the sides together.

Enough.

Sorry.

You hungry?

I'm getting hungry.

I may never eat again.

Yellow light.

I'm slowing down.

No, no, no, gun it, gun it!

Man, this thing is a rocket ship.

Okay, okay, now you can slow down.

Should I run for it?

What are you, crazy?

Pull over.

You told me to run the light.

My dad's gonna kill me.

Calm down; he's not gonna kill you.

How can I calm down? I just got my license,

and now I'm gonna lose it!

All right, all right.

Switch places with me.

What?

Just do it.

And give me your hat.

You want my lucky hat?

Yeah. I want to share in your good fortune.

Evening, Officer.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Hey. Where have you guys been?

Van Nuys.

What were you doing in Van Nuys?

That's where the jail is.

What?

I got arrested.

You're kidding. What for?

Apparently, I ran a red light at 64 miles an hour.

And I was in the passenger seat.

Yes, I was driving,

therefore you were in the passenger seat.

Anyway, it turns out

I had a couple of unpaid parking tickets.

Seventeen.

Thank you.

They arrested you for unpaid parking tickets?

Well, there was also a bench warrant

when I didn't show up in court.

Well, how could you not show up in court?

Don't they send you a summons?

Lots of them, but I threw them away.

I thought they were for jury duty.

Long story short, when I didn't show up,

they suspended my license.

And I was in the passenger seat.

So you were driving with a suspended license?

Only for a couple of years.

Luckily though, my license was fine,

so when they took him to the police station,

I followed in the Mercedes.

By the way,

I reset all your radio stations to good stuff.

I'd like to be alone now, Jake.

Understandable.

You've been through a lot.

By the way, if you need anyone to drive you to the movies

or the mall or a strip club, I'm available.

Appreciate it.

And you can just relax in the passenger seat,

like I did earlier today.

Get out!

Listen, I am sorry that you lost your license,

but I would be remiss if I did not point out

what a bad example you're setting for Jake.

Not now, Alan.

That young man looks up to you.

And when he sees you blatantly disregard the rules of the road,

he's more likely to do it himself.

You're right. You're right.

I'm sorry.

Are you really?

Or you just saying the words?

Uh, don't walk away when I am talking to you.

I'm gonna count to three, Alan.

Oh, that's mature. Three.

Ow!

Where was one and two?

Ow! Ow!

* Men.

Hey.

Hey.

You know I was just trying to show concern for my son.

I do.

And you know I was just trying to cause

severe nerve damage to your shoulder.

I do.

You know, we should maybe

come up with some kind of safe word.

Like "pumpernickel."

Sure, whatever.

You know, until you get your license back,

you can count on me to drive you wherever you need to go.

Thanks.

Of course, during the week, I'm working.

I know.

And, uh, and Monday nights, I'm at the senior center.

What the hell are you doing at the senior center?

Free pilates class.

They don't even check IDs.

Uh, Tuesdays and Thursday nights,

they have water aerobics, uh, Wednesday is low-impact hip-hop,

and, uh, Friday is movie night.

This week is Cocoon.

Again.

And of course on Saturday, you know, I need to power down,

and, uh, Saturday night...

maybe a date.

You're calling those magazines dates now?

But, hey, any other time

you need a ride, I'm your man.

Wonderful.

Sunday is usually good.

Uh-huh.

Not this Sunday though; I got a little thing.

I know, but what does that have to do with Sunday?

Cute, cute.

Um, you know, actually,

I've been meaning to talk to you about this,

but, um, I was waiting for the right time.

Are you...

moving out?

No. But that never ceases to be amusing.

Um, anyhoo, turns out,

I was invited to Chelsea's birthday party.

What?

Yeah, well, you know, when she was living here,

we were friends, and we've remained friends.

She invited you to her birthday party?

I won't go if you don't want me to.

I don't want you to.

Okay.

Asked and answered.

Done and done.

I did buy her a lovely scarf.

Will it support your weight from a shower rod?

Classic.

Of course, it might be a little awkward if I don't show.

Why is that?

I volunteered to bring the ice.

Is that why you've been filling Ziploc bags

with my ice cubes all week?

It's exactly the same ice as the kind you have to pay for,

sans the fancy polar bear label.

I'm not gonna say this again, Alan.

I do not want you hanging out with my ex-fiancée.

I hear you, loud and clear.

It's just so rare I get to socialize

with people my own age.

What, there's no free nooky night at the senior center?

Okay, okay, what if I just go for cocktails and skip dinner?

Three? Three.

* Men.

Alan, wake up.

Pumpernickel!

You got to go to Chelsea's party.

Uh, okay.

If you don't go, she's gonna know I told you not to.

That's possible.

It's a sure thing.

She knows you never pass up a free meal.

That's not true.

How many birthdays have you had at Denny's this year?

All right.

So you got to go to the party

and let her know that I'm doing just fine without her.

Okay.

But you got to be cool about it.

You know, like in passing.