The Mayor

I be right here. Right here.

...reporting live here at the intersection of First and Main,

- where you can see right behind me... - There she is!

I missed you, gorgeous!

Where your fine twin sister at?

Damn! How you doin', shorty? What, what?

I can't control who says hi to me.

Yeah, maybe you did need a dad after all.

What's up, Ma? How was work?

Oh, no, I can't even talk about it.

Nope. I can't do it. Not today.

- You know my manicurist, Roberta? - Is it weird that I do?

- And you know my gas station guy, Maurice? - Yeah, it's weird.

Well, guess what they have in common.

A secret baby!

You know how I found out?

You read his mail.

No! I read her mail.

Oh! Check it out. It's on.

All right.

Channel 8's Gabby Montoya reports.

If you haven't heard the name Courtney Rose,

you're not alone.

Wasn't she in "Bachelor in Paradise?"

He's a 27-year-old struggling rapper

who performs at small shows in Northern California.

Now he's adding a new title to his playlist...

candidate for mayor.

So, yeah, it turns out it's super easy

to run for local office.

Step one, get 200 signatures. Step two, don't be a felon.

And I don't go to trial till next year.

I'm just playing, Ma. I love you.

But organizing a campaign takes help.

Enter Rose's two best friends from high school.

So... So we couldn't have done it without our generous donors.

Mastercard, Discover, Visa.

- Yeeza. - What?

It's Yeez... Yeezy's Visa.

Oh. Oh!

- Mm-hmm. - Hello.

You've reached Courtney Rose for Mayor

and/or T.K.'s personal cellphone.

How may I direct your call?

One woman not voting for Rose... his old classmate

and rival campaign manager, Valentina Barella.

Courtney Rose is a know-nothing egomaniac

whose entire campaign is a stunt.

Voters won't fall for that. Not in America.

Is Courtney Rose for real,

or is he just an election sideshow?

- Either way, this local rapper - In the name of Jehovah,

- will have to beat... - why are you doing this?

- ...the competition. - Why does anyone in my generation

- Gabby Montoya, Channel 8 News. - do anything? Attention.

Ma, okay. H-Hear me out.

I know I'm a good rapper.

Nothing that spent nine months in me is good.

You are great.

One of the greats, yes,

but nobody's ever even heard of me.

I know. It baffles me, too.

I mean, you know how long I've been tryin' to go up

at The 8:30 Club, but just you watch.

This campaign is gonna change all of that.

If you want to get discovered,

just do it the old-fashioned way...

by waiting for a nice old Jewish man

to give you his business card.

Or people see my name in the news,

they look at my music, the labels start circling.

I'm like, "Guys, guys, it's too much too fast."

You know, just to be dramatic.

And next thing you know, me and Taylor Swift

are doing a Super Bowl performance

that red and blue states can enjoy.

Lord, thank you for making him cute,

because, otherwise, we'd be in big trouble.

Oh, tell him not to miss the debate.

Wait, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma. You know what?

It's really dope that we're roommates.

It's like we're fam but also like we're fam.

It's like you my mama, but at the same time,

- it's like you my ma. I love you! - Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

Go get it. Go get it, boy.

What's up, little man?

You, uh, protecting our city's...

Aah! Yep, you probably shouldn't touch stuff like that.

Ernie wanted to play.

He thinks it's a park because he's a dog and dogs are dumb.

Yo, you know, when I was your age,

there wasn't all this trash here.

Me and my boys, we would come here to freestyle.

And there was this rapper, Mac Etcetera,

we always wanted to be.

You're a rapper?

Like Eminem, Macklemore,

- and Iggy Azalea? - Hmm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that list is hella problematic,

but, yes, I am a rapper.

All right, man. Get home safe.

All right.

- T.K.! Jermaine! - Ah!

Here we are. It's the big debate.

After this, I will be blowin' up on the charts.

I wonder if I should cut off my non-famous friends.

I mean, like, I-I'll miss 'em,

but it's like what do we even talk about, you know?

- Okay. - I've already done the mic check.

They tried telling me it was too loud,

but I told 'em, "Trust me."

They were right. It was too loud.

- It was too loud. - Oh, Valentine Barella!

My 10th-grade lab partner, now my political adversary.

So what's the messaging tonight, huh?

- That's not bad. - Don't worry.

You have nothing to lose tonight except your street cred,

your dignity, and your self-respect.

Small stuff. Good luck.

- Ouch! - That hurt my feelings.

The Honorable Ellen Trout,

Councilman Ed Gunt, and Courtney Rose... rapper.

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

- Courtney! - I'm a nervous wreck.

He didn't prep. He refused to put on foundation.

Why do you have makeup?

What? Wow. Wow.

That's a little queerphobic, but okay.

You're not queer.

With intolerance like that in the world, thank God.

- You know what? - Nope. You said it.

Mr. Rose, as mayor, would you uphold

or overturn the Grover-Stevens bill to expand school choice?

Uh, Grover-Stevens?

Uh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I-I happen to be tight with Grover-Stevens.

Grover and Stevens, big guy.

It's two people.

But is... is this bill good, or is it bad?

I mean, who are we, really, to judge?

Because at the end of the day,

there's only one judge that matters...

a young carpenter.

Okay. You know what this is.

Don't fall for it. This is a funny distraction.

It's cute. I like it. I like you.

So let's laugh at this and get back to work fixing our city.

As you know, Drea,

I am the proud son of a steelworker and her husband.

Yes.

My folks weren't rich,

but what they lacked in wealth they made up for with love.

Point being,

I'm proud to have led the effort to restore the City Commons,

- which is now well under way. - Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.

Um, it's not every day that you hear "proud"

and "City Commons" used in the same sentence.

I mean, I was just there.

Have you actually ever been there, Mr. Gunt?

I know these people have.

I mean, there is so much trash,

Google Maps has it listed as a mountain.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, a saw a rat riding a toboggan

down one of them things the other day.

It's so much trash, Bravo gave it a second season.

Which is why I pledge that, by 2020,

all that trash will be gone.

And by "gone,"

he means underneath the new trash from 2018 and 2019.

I mean, come on, help me out here, fam.

I mean, how many of y'all drove here today

in a busted-up car from all of our busted-up streets?

And who's going home tonight

to a building with boarded-up windows?

I mean, hey, it beats

looking at all that gang graffiti, though, right?

I mean, don't... don't tell us about our reality, Mr. Gunt.

Because we live our reality every day.

I hate to interrupt the dog-and-pony show,

but urban development, it takes time. You wouldn't know that.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just calling .

- Okay. - Mr. Rose.

Mr. Rose, now seems like a fitting time for this question.

Are you running for mayor of Fort Grey,

or are you promoting a rap album?

Wow. Wow, I have to say that I am hurt

that you think that I would be here to sell some silly album

that's already available on my website

Can we stop this? Can a grown-up please intervene?

These lovely voters have been asking that same question for 25 years.

Pow, pow!