The Sand

Ladies, nice! Welcome to the party!

That's it. Own it! That's right!

Yay!

Oh, crap! We've got Steve and Steve.

We've got the Steves, guys! Oh, yeah. Oh-oh!

Hey, Kaylee! What's up?

- Hey, what's up? - I didn't think you'd show up...

cos of the whole, you know.

Yeah.

Last midterm's at 4:30. Where else am I gonna go?

- Aw! Eh, you drinking? - Nah, I'm good, thanks.

Jonah!

- Konnichiwa, bitches! - (CHEERING)

Actually, I changed my mind.

Oh, shit!

- (CHEERING) - Hey, hey, hey!

So, I need everybody to put your phones in the bag.

Okay? Okay? Put your phones in the bag.

- Everyone put your phones in the bag. - No way, Mitch. I need my phone.

Oh, you saw the invite! You saw the invite!

You wanna... you wanna spend the rest of your spring break

taking naked selfies of your vagina?

- Right! But tonight Vegas rules, baby! - (CHEERING)

- What about him? - No, rowdy, rowdy, bro. Give it up!

No, no, no, no! - Give it up! Get him!

Come on, Marsha. Give me a little something. Nobody's around.

It's just us! For the camera. (CHUCKLES)

Did you see that?

- Come on! - All right, babe. You ready?

- Ready for this. - All right. Let's go.

- Gilbert, Gilbert! - (CHEERING)

Come on, baby!

- All up! - Ah! That was for my mom!

- She's had... - Uh-oh, incoming!

Ooh! Okay.

- How you getting on there, Gilbert? - Oh, I'm good.

- (HE GRUNTS WITH EFFORT) - What the hell is that?

- Ew! Ew! - We found it up the beach.

- It's gooey. - Dude, yo! Holmes. That's not gonna burn.

Yo, we need firewood! We need firewood, guys!

You're an idiot, Gilbert.

What did you say?

I said you're an idiot.

- What the fuck you say? - Man, it's about fire, bro.

Hey, hey!

- Yo, come on, dude. Hand it over. - No, man.

Listen to me. I know it was nice for you...

Yo! Oh, dude, trying to have a moment here, bro.

Oh, don't touch me, you troll!

Oh, that is awesome!

That is so awesome!

- (LAUGHTER) - Hand it over!

- Come on. - Come on, bro!

Vegas rules, bitch! All right, no Tweet-Tweets, no Facebooks, My Spaces. Let's go.

- Nothing leaves this beach! - Aw, man!

Shit.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey.

- (SIGHS) Look, Mitch... - Dude, I get it. Okay, I get it.

Vegas rules.

Do you want to get wet?

Surfing. Do you want to surf or...?

I just...

I just wanna go home.

Hey, where are you going?

- Nowhere. - Mm!

- Good morning. (SHE LAUGHS) - Morning.

- Mm, we should probably... - Later?

Mm.

- Okay, people, let's get up and out of here. - No, five more minutes.

Seriously? I thought I was horny.

Marsha.

Marsha.

Marsha!

- (HONKS HORN) - Marsha!

Ssh!

What?

- Marsha, I can see your nipples. - I can see them.

- Don't look at her nipples! - Where's your top?

Dick!

- Have you seen Heather? - Oh, my God.

I'm gonna kill that bitch. Oh, shit!

Hold on.

- God! - Oh!

That was amazing!

- There were like chunks. Did you see that? - She's probably puking in your shoes.

- Nice! - Mm.

Are you stuck?

Oh, my God!

Guys, I'm sick.

Yeah, no shit, Marsha. Come here and let's go.

Marsha, don't touch the sand!

What the fuck?

Oh! Uh!

Yeah, don't touch the sand!

Uh!

- What is it? - I don't know.

I'm stuck.

Did she say she's stuck?

My feet, I can't...

- (SHE WHIMPERS) - Marsha, just get up!

Uh! Uh! (SHE SOBS)

Is she okay?

She probably just stepped on something.

Yo! Something's wrong.

- (MARSHA SCREAMS) - No, Vance, don't!

- No. - Yeah, we have to help her.

- No, Vance, you can't! - Oh, my God.

Get back in the...

- Vance! - There's something wrong with the sand.

- We have to help him! - Do something!

- Vance! - You guys, why isn't he getting up?

Ronnie! Help! Help me!

- I'm going. - No!

- No. - Just let me go!

- Aah, it hurts! - Goddamn it, do something!

- Start the car, Jonah. Start the car! - Come on!

- It's going to be okay! - Come on!

It's gonna be okay. Vance, baby, look at me. Look at me, baby.

Ronnie! Help!

Get a rope. Get something. Just see what there is.

I'm coming, Vance. I've got some rope!

Help!

- Look at me, baby. Look at me! - Shit.

Let me know if you can hear me. - I got it!

- He's sinking! - You will, too.

Ronnie!

Oh, honey!

Baby, no!

No, God!

Ronnie!

Oh, my God, baby!

No!

Please, please, get up!

Did he...?

This isn't real.

Guys!

Fuck!

God!

Okay! Okay!

God!

What the hell? Somebody want to tell me what the fuck just happened?

You saw!

It was quicksand, man. We need to get out there and dig.

No! You saw the sand.

The sand ate him. It devoured him.

- It was chemicals. - What?

Chemicals. There was a spill or something, like oil or something.

That's bullshit! Oil does not do that,

or the fucking Quicky Lube guy would earn more than fucking minimum wage!

It was the government.

So, it was the government, oil, chemicals that killed Vance! Mystery solved.

- Okay, what do we do? - I'm gonna call my congressman.

KCAL9, 60 Minutes!

Just get me my phone. Call someone and let's get the fuck out of here!

Shit! The phones are in the trunk.

Oh, that's just great! How are we supposed to get 'em?

Vegas rules, you dick!

What kind of stupid-ass plan was that?

Take our phones away so we don't end up on the fucking internet!

You see how played out that is?

- God! - Guys...

Hey, hey! It's okay. You know we're okay.

The fuck we are! Did you see what just happened?

No, he's right.

Look around. We're okay.

Vance is in the fucking sand!

Vance is gone, but we're okay.

- And we're gonna stay okay, right? - Right.

No!

Okay, it can't get us in the car. We've got to stay in the car.

Okay, drive the car over here and get us and we'll get out of here,

and tell somebody about this and they can come deal with this shit.

The car won't start.

It's the battery. Jonah, stop! Lights.

Turn the lights off.

Oh! Dead battery.

That's okay. All right then, we wait here. We're just gonna wait here.

Someone's gonna come. Someone's bound to come and save us, right?

- Kaylee, what are you doing? - Kaylee! Kaylee!

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

- No, just look. Listen to me, you guys. - The sand, you can't!

Okay. Just please shut up for a second and pay attention to this.

- Kaylee. - Just watch.

Assholes! Get me out of here!

- Gil's stuck. - Come on, you assholes, help me!

- Gilbert, you have to listen to me. - Screw you!