Outrageous Fortune

Yeah? A West doesn't leave his family to lay lino — or a tarty piece of skirt.

Hey! You can keep him, because from now on, he's no bloody son of mine!

Before you bugger off, let's talk about a divorce.

Who said anything about buggering off?

I'm Sheree. It's great to meet you. I've heard so much about everyone.

Well, guess what. We've heard fuck all about you.

Mum had a kid — a bastard kid.

Dad, the kid was Gary.

America, huh?

Uh-huh. They're gonna make a series out of my videos. It's all totally true!

Oh, Daddy!

You'd sell your baby?

I never wanted a baby. Why should I get nothing from this?

You're not selling your baby. You can't do this!

I'll take you to court. I'll send you to the bin.

Slight change of plan. I need half my money up front today.

BABY CRIES

Family — back in business.

Blood's always thicker, don't you reckon?

SIREN WAILS

BABY GURGLES Hey, what a clever girl you are, huh? What a big poo-poo.

You go give your uncle a cuddle.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy. Hey.

Yeah.

TAP RUNS

LOUD KNOCK ON DOOR Ooh. We got it.

Hey. Hello. Kitty Mayhew from Plunket.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Following up on baby, uh...

Princess. Tiffany.

Princess Tiffany.

Help! I'm in here! Help! It's me! I'm in here! >

What was that? Nothing.

Help me! >

Stay back from the door. >

THUD!

What the fuck do you want?

We received an emergency call from this address — a kidnapping.

There is no kidnapping.

Help me! >

LOUD BANGING ON DOOR

How did she get a phone?

I dunno. Did you give her your phone?

I didn't.

Help! > BANGING CONTINUES >

Just keep it down, eh. Keep it down.

Hey, she's a real sweetie, eh? Eh?

She's being kept inside for her own good, and the baby's, all right?

She's the mother?!

No, I'm the mother.

< No, I am the mother!

She's got a really nice room. It used to be my room.

Open this door.

She's got psychological issues.

< Because I am being held prisoner!

Open the door, Cheryl, or we break it down.

Yes, break the fucking door! >

Hold this.

Shit.

Well, if you're not gonna arrest her, then get out of my fucking way!

No! No!

No!

Now, my family are great, and I love them to pieces, but if they curse or if they throw anything,

you know, just try not to—

Fuck off! Leave me alone!

Shoot.

Fuck off! No, leave me.

Oh. Shooty-shoot.

Help me!

Wow. You know these ladies?

Mum!

Pascalle. You're back.

Fuck!

Yes. And, uh, this is Milt, who owns the Sunset Channel.

He really loves my work, and, um,... as of two days ago,

is now my adorable and completely wonderful new husband.

Hi.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

# Lying in the gutter,

# I cut the cord from my mother.

# She pat me on the head and said,

# 'Go to sea, boy. Get to sea, man.'

# My luck in the gutter black.

# I guess I'm running back...

# ...to you.

# You in my brain. You in my heart. #

NZ police don't carry weapons. How 'bout that?

How 'bout doing your fucking job?

Wow. What a cutie.

She's very healthy, and the cord's cleaned up nicely.

You think we wouldn't look after her?

Well, I'll be back very soon, and I'll be putting in a call to Maternal Mental Health.

Great. I'm not nuts. She is the one who's nuts.

What? What is going on here?

OK, first we had the cops—

No, with Loretta.

She was good, actually, yeah, and then she— Oh, the whole 12-day thing came up.

Uh. What 12-day thing?

Well, that's when you can adopt a baby.

A few weeks ago, it was day 12. She was gonna give her away.

Where are you going? Nowhere.

If she signs the adoption thing, the baby's gone.

So Mum had Munt and I put another lock on the door, and, um...

And she's been in there ever since?

< Uh... I'll see you very soon.

Definitely one for psych services.

You're not meant to agree with her.

Well, isn't it a red-letter day?

I hear Wayne moved out.

Yep.

We'll leave you to it.

Mum's gone real dark on it. The whole Dad thing isn't helping.

Dad thing? Just sign her over to me, and everything goes back to normal.

Fuck you!

Don't ever take this phone in there again.

Got it.

Wow. Mum, it's so terrible.

So, you're married, are ya?

Yes, and I know you're dying to hear about it — the little chapel in Las Vegas.

That can wait. Stay here and hold the fort. I'll be back in time for her next feed.

Loretta? No, the baby.

Shouldn't have stolen my phone, man. That was mean.

Van, what no one seems to get is I've promised my baby to a poor childless couple.

OK, but we really like her too.

What about the angst as they wait and wait—?

Yeah, but she's, like, this perfect little princess.

You know? (CHUCKLES)

That's my new name for her — Princess. (CHUCKLES)

Fuckin' hell. I wanted to call her Aurora, but Mum says it's bad luck.

Van.

I owe the Colquhouns. I owe them a shitload of money.

Give it back. I can't. I've already spent it.

OK.

I'll help. Really?

Yep.

I've got...

20— That's not gonna do it, Van.

I'm trying to help you. You don't care about me at all.

I— Of course I do.

No. You're a coward and you're a traitor, and I hope you remember that when I do go actually crazy

or die of starvation.

I'm starting a hunger strike.

BOTH MOAN PASSIONATELY

PHONE RINGS

Yeah, gidday.

Fuck. Wolf, is that you?

Cheryl, what can I do for you?

I'm looking for Jethro.

Don't go anywhere.

Why are you sleeping there?

It's safer.

Eh?

Oi.

For you.

Your mother. Hey, Dad.

Let's take this upstairs, shall we?

Hey, Mum. What's up?

I know you're not meant to come round to the house any more, Dad, but, uh, Loretta, she's real bad,

and, um,... Mum's bad.

It's all bad.

Except, um, Princess. I mean, she's amazing.

Yeah. Oh, and, uh, Pascalle, she's good too, I guess.

She's back? Yep, with her husband.

Her fuckin' what?

Her husband.

No, no, no, no. Dad. But about Loretta...

Yeah, well, at least the cops think she's crazy,

and it won't be long till you're going to court.

But no way am I letting that bitch from Herne Bay take little Tiffany.

Tiffany?

What's wrong with that?

Uh, nothing.

Oh, hold on. I've gotta go. I'll talk to you later.

All going well? Yep. Couldn't be better.

It was real sweet of you to take the couch, Jethro.

I didn't have a choice, did I?

BOTH MOAN LOUDLY

Well, it was playing hell with your old man's back.

Where are you going?

Got a few things to sort out.

Family things.

DOOR SLAMS

Well, it wasn't my fault.

What about Tui? What about it?

Well, it's not a bad name.

So, what's the dirt on the Colquhouns?

Nothing. Fine upstanding couple. Not even parking tickets.

Oh shit.

Are you coping?

Kind of.

Is there anything I can do?

Well, you're dealing with the old man. It's more than enough.

What do you bloody want?

Daddy! I was gonna surprise you.

Yeah, well, you did that all right.

Hey, Mr West. Milton Delaney III.

What sort of a stupid name is that?

It's my name. Same as my daddy's and my good old pop's.

Aren't you going to congratulate me?