Silent Night

Oh, Jesus.

Why are we ruining this Christmas with this shit?

I love this song. It's cute. It's Christmasy.

For fallen off the fucking wagon?

Bit unfair.

You'd have to be pissed to stomach this.

Yeah, well, you know, I've got to stomach a lot more sober,

including your old schoolmates, trust me.

Thank fuck we don't have to wear these ghastly

Christmas jumpers again.

Oh, what a shame.

Thought we all looked rather splendid.

Oh, of course you did, darling.

How's our little Sleeping Beauty?

Oh, Prince Charming.

Thank you, darling.

Mwah.

Darling, Nell adores you.

Well, last year, she sat me at the kid's table.

I'm so sorry.

We don't have to go.

We could go anywhere.

We could turn around, just you and me.

Oh, sweetheart, I love you.

But Nell's like a sister to me.

I couldn't abandon them this Christmas.

Ooh, shit, fuck, oh, fuck!

Fly!

Fuck!

Fuck!

God, I love Christmas songs.

You know you know it! You know it! Just sing it!

- Mom! - Yeah?

I've cut myself, Mom. Fuck!

I'm coming!

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Did you find a plaster?

No.

Did you bleed on the carrots?

Really, Mom?

Will I die?

Yeah, probably.

Give it.

- Oh, Mom! - Oh, you'll be fine.

Did you rinse them first?

Yep, and the parsnips.

- Where are your brothers. - Uh, on the PlayStation.

Bastards. They're supposed to be in the bath.

We haven't got long, Mom.

I know, darling.

They'll be here soon.

Oh, shit, I'm not a fucking waitress.

Belinda's still in there.

She won't bloody leave.

Haven't made enough.

You sure your mother wants them let out?

She thinks it's kinder if the foxes get them first.

- Yeah, maybe. - You promised you'd let me

light the fireworks later.

Yes, I said I would.

You look great.

Ooh, ooh.

D...

Oh, shit, where are the boys?

Uh, on PlayStation.

Bastards.

- I could... - Boys! Bath!

You look perfect.

I don't hear a lot of movement!

Come on, Belinda. Be free and be brave.

Oh, and remember no TV, okay?

And no iPhones, no Googling, and, for the love of God,

no arguing with Kitty. I think she's annoying

but just make an effort, all right?

- She's a pain in the ass, Dad. - Language, Thomas.

You said we could.

Yeah, I know, but there's now need

to get carried away, chaps. Come on.

Is Kitty allowed to swear?

Probably.

You said everyone was allowed to swear.

Yeah, I did.

Oh, Jesus, they're early.

This is important.

Don't drown. How do I look good?

- Good. - Good.

That's why I love you.

Right, it's not time for a soak, so hurry up, chaps.

Oh, fuck. Sing to me.

Yes, darling?

They're beautiful. Thank you.

Sandra picked them from the neighbor's garden.

It didn't take her very long.

Oh, okay, lovely.

- Ah, Kitty. - Is the sticky toffee

pudding ready?

Sandra promised that there would be sticky toffee pudding.

Yes, absolutely.

Where's Art?

Uh...

Wow.

Kitty's university fund.

Oh, why didn't I think of that?

You did saved me your old room?

Fucking sticky toffee pudding, I forgot.

- Oh, no, fuck. - Sorry.

She's gonna kill me. Tony!

Tony?

- Tony. - Yes, mother?

Nell forgot toffee.

- Oh, crumbs. - What?

Kidding. Your mom's kidding. Come on.

Let's find Art.

Go to the garage, darling.

There's a Tesco drive-in right down the road.

What if it's shut?

Find a mallet. Break a fucking window!

- I don't know. - I suppose so.

- Simon, have you got a mallet? - What?

Simon?

Art?

Art?

You need a hand, darling?

Um, yeah, actually.

If you could just grab one and wait.

All right.

Oh!

Mm!

Oh.

Darling.

You look impossibly beautiful as ever.

Thank you, my love.

Where's Sandra? I want room before she nabs it.

Oh.

- What?! - I know.

- Oh. - I know, I know.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Alex didn't have to pay.

We had a rather regretful exchange with an Arab lady

and her surprisingly fierce bodyguard.

- Oh, happened?! - Oh, yeah, Alex got caught

in the crossfire.

It was very un-PC of me,

smacking a lady in a burqa.

Does it hurt?

Um, yeah, it does.

Does it?

- Why did you say something? - I did.

Oh, God. Is Kitty here?

With a bow in her hair.

Slightly hoping they'd put her down already.

Behave.

Remember, tonight is all about love and forgiveness.

Oh, exciting. Who are we forgiving?

Ourselves, of course.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, thank you for coming, sweetheart.

I don't know what we would have done without Bella.

Mind you, she's very naughty.

She should have stolen something for you, too.

Art?

- Hi. - What the fuck?

Get the fuck out, Kitty.

Nope. I want to watch.

My mother said since tonight is a special occasion,

you have to be especially nice to me.

- No fucking way. - Swearing is common.

- Out mom swears. - Exactly.

- What's going on? - They made me.

- No, we didn't. - No, we didn't.

Shut the fuck up, Kitty. We all know you're full of shit.

- Excuse me? - I said shut the fuck up.

Mum!

Are you coping, darling? Yes?

Yeah, just.

The boys upset?

Uh, well, they will be

when they see I don't have enough potatoes.

You're worried about potatoes?

Yes. Waitrose was empty, and James eats a lot.

Well, Sophie doesn't.

God, how's she do it?

Remember how hard we tried?

Coke helped, and then the kids came.

It was kids or coke.

You wanted to be anorexic?

She looked great. You looked great.

Sandra wants me to apologize to Kitty.

Did you call her a cunt?

Because we said that that word was out of bounds.

You should have done.

Art! Apologize.

It's Christmas, darling. What would baby Jesus say?

You're joking, right?

Sorry, Kitty.

Good boy, Art. You're such a good boy.

You just called me an asshole.

Well, you can be.

- What, I... - Sorry.

All right, all right, come on, piss off, piss off.