Bored to Death

.:: La Fabrique ::.

L'Équipe à Roger

Synchro: mpm

Sorry sorry.

- Are you all right? - I've got a weird situation going on.

- I've been calling you all morning. - Sorry. My phone's been off.

What's the matter?

Lisa and Michelle... The lesbians I've been donating all my sperm to...

They've disappeared. I'm worried.

Why do you think that?

I don't know. My emails are bouncing back.

Their phones are out of service. It's been going on for 5 days.

if they got an accident? What if they're in a coma?

I don't think they would both be in a coma.

They do everything together.

- Have you called the local hospitals? - I don't know their last names.

But you've been giving them your sperm for two months.

- Yeah, but I'm bad with names. - They're probably on a trip.

No, they would have told me. We've become very close.

For years I've been jerking off purely for medicinal reasons,

like lancing a wound.

But trying to have a baby with them has given it new meaning.

- I understand. - What if something happened to them?

What if Michelle wasn't conceiving and they just dumped me?

I don't know.

Where was the last place you saw them?

Ozzie's cafe. It's where we did the sperm transfer.

- Let's go there. - Why?

In detective novels you always start where the missing person last was

and work your way back.

Okay, are you sure you can take a writing break?

Yeah, I'm at a really good stoping point.

Let's go.

You do all the talking. She doesn't like me.

Can I ask you a few questions?

Who are you?

My name is Jonathan Ames. I'm a private detective.

- You don't look like a cop. - I'm a private cop.

A security guard? Why aren't you wearing your outfit?

Private detectives don't wear outfits.

Look, do you recognize this man?

Yeah, I know him.

He comes in with a cooler and doesn't order anything.

I'm an illustrator. I'm a little low on money right now.

- Ever see him with two women? - Yeah, they were nice.

They spent money.

They also had a cooler. It was weird.

Why were you carrying that thing?

I don't mean to be rude, but I was transporting chilled semen.

- Shut up. - You shut up.

Look, the two women you saw him with, are missing.

- Do you know where they live? - I don't know where anybody live.

Question...

If you don't know where they live how do you know they're missing?

That's an excellent point.

I've seen them at the food co-op.

You have to be a member to shop there. So they'll have their address.

Thank you. That's very helpful.

Sorry, it's all I got. I'm kind of a starving artist.

You look like you eat all right to me.

I know all the members of the co-op,

and I can't place a couple named Michelle and Lisa.

But park slope has more lesbians than any other city in the U.S.

It's kind of like San Francisco, but for women.

I love San Francisco. The light there is very beautiful.

Shit. You must have seen 'em. Michelle is large-chested.

Lisa is strange.

She doesn't look at you in the eye. She had those tattoos on her neck...

The circle thing with a cross going down

that stands for vaginas or women's restrooms or something like that.

You know who he's talking about, don't you?

Yeah, I know 'em. I've seen that tattoo.

But their names aren't Michelle or Lisa.

What are their names and where do they live?

I'm not telling you. This is a food co-op, okay?

People expect privacy. We have ethics here.

Would...

$20 help you with your ethics?

Who do you think you are?

The people who work here are like family.

I'm not gonna betray their trust for money.

I might have something else

that interests you.

I like a man who carries a one-hitter.

I can tell that this is good stuff

because I'm kind of missing everyone in my life right now

but I don't mind,

because it's like a beautiful sadness.

That happens to me too when I'm high...

I miss everyone and I love everyone.

When I'm high I realize

that I clench my anus.

- That's not healthy. - You clench it all the time?

Yeah, but smoking helps me unclench it.

See, that's why pot should be legalized.

I think this is what you guys are looking for.

I've got to get back to work.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

I was worried about them. We're trying to have a baby together.

Yeah, thank you.

And if you see them again, please give me a call.

Or...

call me if you want more of this pot.

The guy I deal with is very organic and hydroponic.

We should definitely smoke again sometime.

I just ordered this vaporizer... The volcano.

They use it on cancer patients in Germany.

- Great. - It's really healthy.

It's what Woody Harrelson uses.

Why would they give me false names?

I had a crush on a Michelle, not a margaret.

That co-op girl was really cute.

I think she kind of liked me.

I think she liked your pot.

She liked me

and my pot.

Okay, they're not answering. Now what?

Yes, building inspector. I need to be buzzed in.

Go fuck yourself.

Yeah, it's...

UPS.

I have that thing you ordered.

Nice.

I can pick the lock.

- Why didn't you use that out front? - Well, it's a little conspicuous.

And I'm so stoned I forgot that I had it.

Voilà.

They definitely skipped town, all right.

I'll check the kitchen for clues. You check the bathroom and bedroom.

What are you gonna do, find a turkey baster with fingerprints on it?

Man, I don't know. That's what detectives do.

We gotta case a joint, follow protocol.

The only thing I found was this unopened kombucha.

I can't believe they left it behind. This stuff's really expensive.

Look what I found...

Lady shaving cream.

I could use some of this stuff

for my neck under my beard.

I usually use soap. It looks like shit.

I'm glad I found this. I've got really bad dry-mouth.

What's this?

There are papers in here.

Why do I always believe the labels on this health-food stuff?

I think the writers they use are really good, very convincing.

There's nothing with a forwarding address.

I really just wanted to get Michelle pregnant and make her happy.

Why don't you just try with Leah?

She doesn't want any more kids. And she wouldn't want any with me.

- Why not? - Because I'm broke.

She's giving me an allowance.

I can hardly pay for all the DVDs I've been buying.

How much is she giving you?

Well, more than the two girls, but they're four and six.

Look at this.

- Something with my name on it. - Let me see this.

"Beth Handler and Annie Sklaver, Tavia O'neal and Shelby Hernandez,

Dawn Miller and Samantha Bryant. "

There must be 30 couples on here, all female.

500 bucks.

They've been selling my sperm.

Oh, shit, you're right.

Let's get out of here. We'll study this later.

I have to have dinner with George.

Why are they selling my sperm?

What are you doing in this apartment?

Call the super. We have intruders.

Everything's okay. We're not doing anything. I'm jewish.

Call 911!

Get out of my way!

Oh god, I twisted my knee.

Why were you running down the street?

Well, it's crazy, but it's not my fault.

Ray got in trouble with some hasids.

He hurt his knee. And they called 911 on us.

No one's ever called 911 on me. It's very scary.

What are you talking about? Are you stoned?

Hey, who's this?

I didn't know you had a dog.

- What's his name? - Philip.

I got him to get over you.

You replaced me with a little white dog named Philip?

But you could have held on to me.

I'm not neutered. I don't beg for food. I don't have to be walked.

You're obviously stoned and I...

Let's go. Those hasids got a good look at us.

Okay, one second.

Here.

Suzanne, wait wait wait.

You forgot these.

- I fucked things up with her again. - At least you're consistent.

So you think that these women are selling Ray's sperm

on some kind of, what, lesbian black market?

Yes, he may have as many as 30 children.

You know something? I envy him.

I always wanted a big family,

to be a patriarch like Tolstoy.

I sometimes do wonder if I have children out there that I don't know.

I had a lot of one-night stands in the '70s

and in the '80s.

Also the '60s.