Joe vs Carole

* *

- Wake up, sunshine.

[Harry Nilsson's "Gotta Get Up"]

- * Gotta get up, gotta get out *

* Gotta get home before the morning comes *

* What if I'm late, got a big date *

* Gotta get home 'fore the sun comes up *

* Up and away, got a big day *

* Sorry can't stay, I gotta run, run, yeah *

- Drop trou, baby, it's time for your vitamins.

- * Gotta let the people know I'm gonna be late *

* Gotta get up, gotta get out *

* Gotta get home before the morning comes *

* What if I'm late, got a big date *

* Gotta get home before the sun comes up *

* Up and away, got a big day... *

Lookin' good.

Hey, maybe I should get on some of that juice.

- Nah, you're good just like that.

- I am? -

- You gonna mess up my eyeliner. - Mm-hmm.

This just got dropped off.

Delivery from Florida.

Mm.

Mother-fuck!

That bitch

had the fuckin' gall to sue me!

For makin' a website?

Copyright infringement my ass. It was a fuckin' prank!

I thought it was hilarious.

- It was fuckin' hilarious, wasn't it?

Mm-hmm.

- And I'm actually glad I waited for this

special occasion to drop this bomb on her,

'cause it's carpe fuckin' diem, am I right?

Damn right.

- All right, let's roll. - Okay.

Three, two...

Good morning, world.

I'm Joe Exotic.

Welcome to the first edition of what I like to call

"The Saga of the Little Cat Rescue"

down in Tampa, Florida.

And boy, have I got an extra special treat for you tonight.

Carole Baskin's diary!

Excuse me while I put on my glasses

because I'm goin' fuckin' blind

from lookin' at Carole's ugly ass.

Today, we're gonna reveal why Carole may have killed

her former husband, Don Lewis.

Oh, you didn't know she was married before?

Well, surprise!

'Cause that murderous bitch is on hubby number three.

That's right--you might think Carole acts like a saint,

but she's a goddamn monster.

Is this awesome or ridiculous?

It's perfect.

And people love the Big Cat Rescue Calendar,

and they're gonna love you in it.

- Okay. Bingo, we have a winner.

Come in.

Oh, Howie, say hello to Miss December.

Oh.

Uh...

What's wrong?

We have a problem.

And then Carole writes,

"My patience and long suffering

"are qualities to which I am known for.

But there is a limit to what I can stand."

Clearly there was a limit.

Did you feed Don to your tigers?

Did you bury him under your septic tank?

Or maybe you ground him up in that meat grinder of yours!

And if you're listening, Carole,

this is just the beginning,

'cause I got pages and pages to get through,

and nothin' to do but fuck with you!

- It was uploaded a few hours ago.

Was that really your diary?

- I just don't understand how he got his hands on it

because the only place that I bring my laptop is to work.

So it must've been a staff member or an intern.

So we need to shore up security so this never happens again.

Carole?

Yeah?

- Don't you even want to discuss what he said?

He brought up Don.

- I don't care what him and his 12 followers think about me.

He has no idea what I've been through in my life.

* *

Stop it!

- You can't sit there. That's our bench.

Stop it.

Your brother was in our turf.

- First off, you can't be in turf.

One can only be on someone's turf.

Secondly, it doesn't belong to you.

- Get out of here, you and your stupid briefcase.

You cross-eyed, nasty...

* *

Oh!

- "Let every man be swift to hear,

"slow to speak, slow to wrath;

for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God."

At Holy Cross, we pray for our enemies.

We do not retaliate.

I was defending my brother.

That is no excuse.

- But he's the one who started it.

He's a Neanderthal.

Nobody likes a know-it-all.

I would suggest a dose of humility.

- Mom, I didn't do anything wrong.

Apologize to that boy.

Right now.

I'm sorry.

[Paul Anka's "Everything is Super Now" plays]

- - * Everything... *

- Hiya, honeybun. -

Jamie's at the sitter's. How was work?

- I interviewed ten applicants for that sales job.

- Ten. - Huh.

- I just don't know why it's so goddamn hard to find someone.

* *

Hey, um, if it helps...

I know someone who might be good for it.

Yeah?

Who?

You?

Well, I said, um...

- Jesus Christ. - What?

No, I told you I wanted to work.

Oh, come on.

Honey, honey, you really don't need to worry

your pretty little face off about that.

I mean, look,

you've got your work cut out for you right here, don't ya?

Oh, well, yeah.

I was gonna do the dishes after we eat

'cause I was cleaning the house all day.

Yeah.

You were, huh?

I know what you need.

Why don't you relax while I finish making dinner?

* *

Yeah, this is not Michelob.

I know. I'm sorry.

They were out.

- So you can't even figure out how to get the right beer

for your husband, but you want to go to work?

Is that right?

- I'm--I said I was sorry. -

- I went to three places and tried.

Carole, Carole.

Come on.

Like, how hard is it to run a household?

I am out there busting my ass every single goddamn day

so you can have a nice life.

What else do I gotta do?

Do I--do I have to show you how to use a goddamn mop?

Is that what you want me to do?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

Ah!

* *

You shouldn't have done that.

- I'm sorry.

You shouldn't have done that.

You shouldn't have done that.

You should not have done that!

Carole!

* *

Carole.

Carole!

Carole, you get back here!

* *

[Redbone's "Come And Get Your Love" playing on radio]

* *

Hey, are you all right?

Miss, you all right?

I'm fine, thank you.

Where are you going?

I don't know.

What are you doing out here?

I'm tired. I'm angry.

I just threw a potato at my husband

and I ran out of the house, so I don't exactly have a plan.

But thank you for checking in.

You didn't ask me.

I'm hungry, I'm tired, and my wife,

she just threw me out too.

There were no potatoes involved, but...

I got no place to go, either.

- * What's the matter with you feel right *

* Don't you feel... *

- What do you want? - I don't want anything.