Stuck in the Middle

Big day, Mom.

- Harley, how'd you find me? - Mom-tracker.

Same way I found you yesterday behind the dryer.

Your inventions are killing me, kid.

Oh, come on. Who left the jelly open?

It's in my hair.

Yep, that's my mom.

Squatting on a can of corn in the closet.

When you have 7 kids and want some peace, this is what happens.

I need 2 more minutes to slug down my coffee.

Close the door before the other kids see, and start buggin' me.

Love it, respect it, can't do it.

The whole family has to be at the park by 11:00,

for something great.

Where's your travel mug?

Not sure. You got a mug tracker?

Better.

I'm the middle kid, so it's hand-me-down city.

I've gotten good at working with what I've got.

I'm not bragging.

Being creative isn't a choice.

It's survival.

Enjoy your new travel thumb.

Hazelnut and dish soap. Weirdly, it works.

Good, 'cause we gots to get this party started.

Doughnuts!

Doughnuts!

It's either an earthquake or my family.

That's my family.

Doughnuts, woman. Where?

Calm down, people.

Everyone's gonna get doughnuts... when we get to the park at 11:00.

Oh! - What?!

You are lucky we're family, or I'd hurt you.

Hurt me at the park.

The park at 11:00?

Let's see what the big board says.

Cooking class, Beast and Lewie.

Basketball game, Georgie.

Rachel, volunteer at the soup kitchen.

Harley, honey, your magnet's not even on here.

It was there yesterday.

Seriously?

I was under the fridge, and no one even noticed.

Hate to say it, but unless you found a dozen doughnuts,

you're not gonna get a lot of sympathy from this crowd.

I'm sorry, sweetie, but we just can't squeeze in the park today.

This is what happens when there's 7 kids, and you're stuck in the middle.

If my family was a week, I'd be Wednesday.

Not the beginning of the week where everyone's full of energy and hope.

That'd be Rachel... Ethan... and Georgie.

Yes, officer, she yelled, "Doughnuts,"

but there are no doughnuts.

Can you at least pretend to arrest her?

Hello.

I'm not the end of the week, where they're relieved and happy.

That's Louie, Beast, and Daphne.

I'm the day people muddle through as best they can.

Hump day.

I'm Hump Day Harley.

No name changes. I can barely remember the ones we gave you.

Wasn't me!

Welcome to the Diaz family.

Hide your breakables.

Actually, just hide.

Ah, Harls, I'm really sorry we can't make it to the park today.

It's hard to take you seriously, when you're sucking on a thumb.

Sorry.

So what was going on? Was it important?

Well... "The Young Inventors Club is pleased to invite you"

"to McKay Park to award you 1st place in..."

No way!

No way, no way, no...

No way!

Okay, yeah, it's huge.

Then we are gonna make this work.

Sorry, Louie and Beast, no cooking class today.

What's the point?

Yesterday I saw them steal pizza crust from a pigeon.

All right, we can make it.

If we hit every green light, we can get from basketball to the soup kitchen

to the park with 3 minutes to spare. Now comes the hard part.

Getting 9 people out of the house.

I'll go round everybody up.

- Permission to knock some heads? - Denied.

I wish I could find someone to do the ninja challenge.

Sadly, you're not old enough.

Hello. We're twins.

Hello. I was born 90 seconds before you.

So you'll always be 90 seconds behind,

which means you're not ready for the ninja challenge.

Ninja challenge? I'll kill it.

I'll bite its head off, step on it, and eat it. I just ate it.

What's the ninja challenge?

You have to go around the whole day,

without letting your feet touch the ground.

It's impossible.

Says you.

It's on.

Ninja!!

Your foot's in a tub of margarine.

Not a strong start, ninja.

Guys, wait until breakfast to put your feet in the food.

Let's push the tables together so we can eat.

Cereal assembly line!

This is how my family eats.

Divide, conquer, score.

And this is where my family eats.

A real table, a card table,

and something I'm pretty sure used to be a nightstand.

Mom bought the real table when they had 2 kids.

But then they had 5 more, and no time for furniture shopping,

so welcome to the bacon-free zone.

Beast put that up his nose.

Thanks for mentioning it after I had my teeth on it.

Hey, guys, gotta go.

Get up now and I'll do your chores for a week.

Rachel. 3-minute limit.

You've been in there for 20.

In a big family, you need rules.

We all get 3 minutes.

You have to do number 1, and number 2, in less than 3.

That's bad math.

I'm literally the only one in this family who consistently looks hot,

so maybe don't hassle the one who's bringing it on the regular.

You're going to feed the homeless.

The only hot thing they want is lunch.

I'm not scared of you, or Dad's old flip phone that you blinged out.

It doesn't even work.

The clock does, and so does the camera.

2 seconds before I'm all up in there updating your profile photo.

This is a violation.

Kendall and Kylie would never do this to Kim.

Really? The list of what the Kardashians won't do is pretty short.

I'm behind schedule.

I'm gonna need an assist from my B.F.T.F.

Best friend in the family, which is even better than a B.F.F.,

because he's stuck with me no matter what, until the end of time.

That came out evil, but it's actually really cool.

Ethan, I need you to...

- What's with the walking lint ball? - It's Jermaine.

My friend's on vacation, so I'm watching his hamster.

I'm training Jermaine to be my wingman.

Girls come for the pet, and stay for the song.

Yeah, no pet's making anyone stay for that song.

And are you concerned your wingman just ate his own poop?

It's a concern, yes.

I need you to help me get everyone out the door

Look, I get it. I'm the middle kid.

I didn't mind that I had to toilet train myself in a potted fern.

The only watering that plant ever got.

But I invented something really cool.

Maybe the coolest thing I've ever done.

And I'm getting an award for it at the park at 11:00.

Congrats, sis. What is it?

Can't say.

It's a surprise for the whole family, and I want everybody to see it together.

Ethan.

I've never asked before, and I know it will never happen again.

But it's super important that today is the one day

where the whole family shows up for me.

Look, you know you're my B.F.T.F., and I'd do anything for you.

But this family in one place, on time?

Oof.

2-minute warning.

It's about to go down.

B-ball, soup kitchen, park by 11:00.

Hold onto your furball.

Gonna be a people stampede.

Everybody ready to go?

No!!

Doughnuts!

Yeah, right!

If it makes you feel any better, I think Jermaine bought it.

Hey, guys, got your shoes locked and loaded.

We're gonna totally get to the park on time. Yeah!

Wow, that sounded way more confident than I feel.

Good hustle, Georgie.

We got one minute to be out the door to your game, so step in, let's go.

Yeah, gonna win this thing today.

Success isn't given, it's earned.

Earn it, Georgie, earn it.

Whoever you're talking to, we don't have time.

Self-talk is a key strategy for enhanced physical performance.

Say it with me, Harley. Self-talk is a key...

I am not... - Say it!

Self-talk is a key strategy...

Like you mean it.

for enhanced physical performance.

You know, Georgie, you do this before every game,

and I'm not sure it's working.

Does that count?

Your team never wins.

Negativity is loser fuel, my friend.

I need to sweat out the negativity, you just brought into my zone.

- Jump with me, Harley. - I am not...

Jump!

All right, jump it on out to the car.

Comin' through.

Ninja!